We’ve all heard the expression you can’t love anyone else before you learn to love yourself. Is there actual truth to this? Is it meant to be literal, or is there any wiggle room?
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist John Kim rejects the idea at face value. He told Psychology Today magazine “Yes, if you hate yourself and you’re living a reckless life, you probably should work on you a little (life coping tools) before investing in someone else. But the idea that you must fully love yourself before loving someone else is not true”.
There is always a dance between how we feel about ourselves and how we engage interpersonally with others. Our own moods change from day to day, and other people’s do, too. And we humans are designed to pick up on one another’s energy. For example: you’re having the literal best day ever, the kind of day that makes you feel like you’re the star of a movie and you hear the opening credits theme song in your head as you walk down the street and then…you’re stopped in your tracks because you get to the cafe where you’re meeting friends and the vibe is just…down. Bummer – you’re brought down, too, at least a little bit.
Of course, there are differing degrees of not loving yourself. Are you generally content, but experiencing the normal ups and downs of life? You may not feel great all the time, but this is no way means that you should shut down connection with someone else. However, like Kim says, if your self-esteem is so low to non-existent that it’s leading to anger issues, substance abuse, shutting down and other types of dysfunction, you won’t be able to successfully be in a relationship with others.
Additionally, there’s nothing wrong with wanted adulation from someone you care about. But if external validation is the only kind you’re depending on, you might want to explore what that’s all about before you get into a relationship with someone else.
If you’re already in a relationship and feeling down about yourself, this can manifest itself in the forms of depression, low libido, anxiety and general disconnect with your partner.
Sometimes, a good therapist can help you though those lows. At Maze, we treat both the physical as well as the emotional aspects of sexual health. If you’re experiencing low libido, pain with intercourse or a hormone imbalance related to perimenopause or menopause, our team of women’s health experts can help. Contact us for more information or to schedule an appointment. We can help you identify your goals to better health and a better sex life, and the path to achieving them.
