Re: Vaginismus getting worse, likely birth control related.

[mandykins]

Unfortunately, I’ve backtracked. I wanted so badly to leave this here as a beacon of hope for others, but I have bad news.
As much as what I said can work, if you’re a pushover like me, and your bf suggests something you’re not ready to do, it can completely ruin your trust with your significant other even though you were a willing participant, and restart the downhill battle again.
When I was getting better those tips were effective. I do still stand by them.
But I need to point out, you should NEVER EVER EVER do something unless you know you’re 100% ready.
Now my bf is a negative association for me. I can touch myself and be fine, but if he sticks it near me, I dry up instantly. All over again.
I know this was a big mental thing now that I’ve quit birth control for 2 months to test it out. I convinced myself I’d be better off because I’d get some of my libido back, I’d be less dry, etc. Those did happen. I got a small bit of my libido back. I was less dry. But, my bf suggested sex without lube. I didn’t think it was a good idea, and went with it because I’m a huge pushover and do still feel guilty about how down there has been such a thorn in our relationship. BAD BAD BAD idea. Why? because I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, I wasn’t ready, I was slightly nervous, and therefore, my vagina said NOPE NOT HAPPENING. And now I’m in the same boat I was in before. I expected sex to hurt because it did when he suggested no lube, so it did. Last time, same story even with lube.
I stopped having sex with him again.
And he ended up suggesting a few days ago in the shower after I vented my frustrations that I felt inadequate, and frustrated that I’m back to square one. And I was slightly mad at him for suggesting no lube, even though I went with it, I couldn’t help it. I felt like he didn’t understand my situation truly if hes making suggestions I’m not comfortable with.. and it means he really doesn’t know its not a matter of proving yourself wrong, as much as hes trying to help, its a matter of if you think its a bad idea, DON’T DO IT! JUST STOP. So knowing even off birth control I ended up in the same place, I decided to get back on birth control because it hurts more to use condoms than to be kinda dry without them, like before.
So as of tonight it will be a week since I’ve gotten back on them. Especially since my libido has completely died again since the pain started happening, and the negative associations all over again. I have plans to see my dr, get an exam, test for IC if possible, and ask about other birth control options.
In the meantime, I’ve been moody as expected. But instead of just being hostile when starting my bc again, the first two days I was extremely depressed about my issue downstairs, and couldnt get myself out of bed both days. I was crying off and on both days. And severely dehydrated myself. I was drinking plenty, but crying more than I could replenish. So I ended up mildly dehydrated. I was a little irritated downstairs but not terribly. Even so, it definitely turned me off of the idea of sex. My bf decided after our talk about how frustrated I was and how I was kinda mad at him, that he would try something else to try to help me. we got in the shower, he went down on me. I did get wet, but i didnt get turned on really other than physically. I did get wet, I definitely didnt complain. but because I got wet he assumed i was good to go and stuck it in. he was wrong, but I was a pushover again, and let him try. after he stuck it in, I proclaimed, “YEAH NOPE” and he pulled back out and stopped. Now I was irritated in there again. He was under the impression he had to get me used to having a penis inside me, and if he did that I would get over this condition. Thats not how it works. Regardless, hes trying to help, and in the bedroom because he knew it got me wet to start with and i didnt have negative associations with oral, he went down on me again. I was less irritated downstairs because natural fluids on the inside are good for that. And he decided to tease me otherwise. doing things he normally doesnt that he knows I like, he just hasnt had the energy. It was awesome yes, but i panicked when his junk got near mine, and I didnt know if he was gonna stick it in or not, and it just didnt end very happily. He was teasing me and thought he was making progress, and instead ended up witnessing first hand what I was talking about.
He didn’t really understand before that night just how messed up this issue is, and just how worthless his efforts were, until he saw in mere seconds, me drying up and tensing up. Even if i havent been diagnosed, no one can tell me I dont have this condition. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Anyway. YES what I said works, ONLY if you stick to it.
The second you have doubts. STOP.
If you cant see it ending well, you’re likely to spasm again, because your vagina knows, and your vagina will sabotage you.
Please don’t be me and be a pushover. If you’re not comfortable, dont ever do something. It will ruin all your progress.
As of yesterday, the day after he stuck it in in the shower, I’ve started to get uti symptoms all over again to top it all off. Mild, every other bathroom trip, but this is definitely happening again. I used a test strip, leukocytes are the darkest purple. I’m fighting something.
FML.
Please be smart fellow sufferers.