25 and Frustrated UPDATE

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  • #22013

    So I have a new boyfriend now that I’ve been dating for 4 months now. We’ve maybe had sex now a total of 12 or 13 times now give or take. Every time has been successful penetration wise but not without difficulty. It is still painful and difficult with entry every time, but after a few minutes and give or take the position everything is fine. The initial tightness happens regardless of my mood, lubrication or amount of foreplay, and I now get plenty of foreplay. I stopped doing my exercises due to a hectic schedule but I’m thinking maybe I should start again. I am beginning to wonder if this is just how I am though. On the plus side, penetration is possible. And I’ve learned a few things in the process. Just curious if there is anything else I could do to help.


    Hello TayB25,

    Thanks for writing to us, and congratulations on all the progress you have made! You are totally correct that you should continue your exercises. Maintenance dilation is very important to successful pain free intercourse. We recommend dilating at least 3 times a week (and intercourse does count as dilation). Not sure if you are dilating right before intercourse, but we recommend that as well, until you find there is no pain at all.
    Best of Luck!


    TayB25 – this is amazing news! So proud of you for sticking with dilation, and so happy to hear you’ve found a partner who is being patient with your exploration of sex and how you can enjoy it. We are all so happy for you.

    My top advice (since I can’t tell if you’re already doing this based on your post): USE LUBE!!! One of the many damaging false tropes about sex is the perception that women are always primed and ready for sex (especially sex that comes as a surprise without much foreplay), which is just not true. I use lube every time I have sex and would recommend it especially to people who are still dealing with vaginismus – this helps you separate general unlubricated discomfort from muscle spasms.

    And YES, keep dilating! Even if it’s for 5-10 minutes 3 times a week. Believe me, just keeping in the habit works wonders.


    Hi TayB25. Huge CONGRATS on your success. I completely agree with Nicole and RGQ that maintenance dilating helps so much with the initial penetration problems. I used dilators for a little while in advance of intercourse and lots of lube and I felt like it helped a lot with this issue with the hubby both after overcoming vaginismus and also after getting back into it after the birth of our son. Another thing that may help is to insert and remove the dilator several times in advance as well as sort of an exercise. My hubby and I also incorporated using dilators as a fun part of our foreplay and doing this removing and inserting and it helped as well. Hope this helps.

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