25 and Frustrated

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    Just found this site in hopes I may find some answers. Not really sure how to start my story so I guess I’ll start when I was younger. I wanna say maybe around the age of 7 was when I started having any kind of sexual interest (i.e I liked boys and wanted to kiss them sort of thing). This grew into my teenage years and around maybe 14 I’d say I “peaked” sexually so to speak (i.e my desire to have sex was not that of any other typical horny teenager). Got my period at 12 and didn’t try tampons till much later. I remember my first attempt not necessarily being painful, but just not being able to get one in. So I tried sporadically over the next few years with the same result. I could maybe get one in, not far, and when I pulled it out it was painful. I can only think of one successful time where none of this occurred and it wasn’t until I was 21. As for sex, before recently I maybe had a few sexual encounters that only included things like oral sex. There was one time I tried mutual masturbation with a guy. When he inserted his finger, it borderline burned the farther he went, but I didn’t think anything of it since I wasn’t use to any kind of penetration. Fast forward to now. Two years ago I started dating a great guy. Until then I never had a relationship that I felt comfortable enough in to have intercourse with them, but he was different.I waited until I was ready, maybe a little over a year into the relationship. I set up the perfect mood, time and place for my first time. When the time came, my then boyfriend tried to penetrate me, and surprisingly he couldn’t enter. Me being a science major I thought, maybe I need to relax a little more. We continue with foreplay and try again. He told me it felt like he was hitting a wall. I got frustrated after a few attempts and gave up. I had time to think about possible scenarios and the next day I came to the conclusion that maybe I was just “too tight”. I was after all a virgin. So I bought a toy the smallest yet reasonably sized one I could find, just to see what would happen. Trying to use it was difficult. I was SUPER tight no matter how physically relaxed I felt, and it hurt. From then my now ex and I just kept trying ever so often, with no success. I kept trying to use the toy (not as often as maybe I should have) when I had time and every time it was just uncomfortable. I did some research and found that Vaginismus described everything I was going through. I talked to my doctor who prescribed me to a gynecologist. She asked me a bunch of questions about my sexual history and did an exam. I guess because the speculum went in (painfully I might add), she effortless concluded that I did not have Vaginismus and needed to relax more. To which I thought, just how much more do I need to be relaxed? Sleeping? I accepted this and tried my own methods.
    In my research I read that people overcome this with dilation therapy. Since I already had the toy I gave it a try. I’ve been doing this since January as often as I can, which isn’t often enough as I’d like, and currently using a size more accurate to the male member, however it is still difficult on insertion. However I believe I am meeting with success? After doing my kegels (10 for 10 seconds each) I leave it in for 20 minutes. After the kegels it no longer hurts, as if my muscles adapted. I’d still like to reach a point where it doesn’t feel uncomfortable upon entry. Amy advice is much appreciated.


    Hi 25 and Frustrated,

    I do think your story sounds like you have a low level vaginismus, and high pelvic tone. There are different levels of vaginismus, and just because you could tolerate a speculum exam, doesn’t mean that your vaginal muscles aren’t still in a hypertonic state.

    It sounds like you can insert a dilator that is as large as a penis, but still having discomfort.

    I think that you have a few options at this time:
    1. you can purchase an even large dilator or dildo and continue to work up in size. We find that sometimes continued dilation past the size of a penis will help with ease of intercourse. I would also dilate immediately prior to trying penetration with a penis.
    2. you can try pelvic floor physical therapy. Sometimes finding a PT that can help with internal massage of the muscles will help further relax the muscles.
    3. intravaginal valium suppositories can help relax the muscles. This is a prescription and you would need to find a provider who could prescribe these for you.
    4. consider coming in for the botox procedure. Botox injections into the muscles will help relax them further and will help decrease the initial resistance significantly.

    Keep up all the work, you are doing great!

    Hope this helped



    Hi Tay!
    Good for you for going the lengths to research and find help. hang in there! We’ve seen so so many patients get to the other side of this.


    Hi TayB25! I just wanted to tell you to keep at it! It’s really impressive how much dilating you’ve been able to do on your own, and it’s awesome that you can get a penis-sized dildo in. I’ve gotten the botox procedure and done dilation after that, and one thing I wanted to add is that it makes a huge difference if you’re able to dilate every day. I know how busy people are, but real progress happens when habits are formed, and even 5-10 minutes a day (maybe when you first wake up or right before bed?) works wonders. When you dilate on an irregular schedule, the muscles have to re-stretch every time, which is probably some of the burning and discomfort you’re experiencing. But keep at it, whatever you do, and let us know how it goes!


    Hi Tay. Huge, huge CONGRATS on doing the dilating. This is seriously awesome. One thing that helped my hubby and I in the early days of transitioning and early intercourse was using a vibrator that I had that was a little larger than him prior to intercourse. We used this like a dilator and incorporated it into our foreplay prior to intercourse. It really, really helped with making the initial insertion less painful. I hope this helps and am here for you!!!!



    You’ve gotten so far on your own, you should feel so sososososo proud of yourself! Congrats!

    I’ll reiterate a couple of the things that have helped me so much (that other people also wrote):
    – get one more larger dilator/dildo to work up to in size. This should give you the confidence that a penis will fit 🙂
    – dilate prior to intercourse
    – be consistent with dilating (I used to skip several days and, yes, I felt much more discomfort when I got back into it)
    – get a vibrator!

    Good luck and keep up the good work! I’m confident that you can have pain-free intercourse and we are all rooting for you! 🙂

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