32 years old, married 9 years, and still have yet to have intercourse

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General 32 years old, married 9 years, and still have yet to have intercourse

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    Hi everyone,
    I’m so glad there’s a vaginismus forum!
    I’m 32 years old, I’ve been married for 9.5 years, and I still haven’t had intercourse. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and it was a shock to me on our wedding night that I couldn’t have intercourse. I had figured out that it was vaginismus during the first year of our marriage, and worked hard with dilators to at least allow his penis entry by our 1st anniversary. But then I stopped trying. I tried off and on over the years again with dilators, and have had the success of penis entry, but nothing more than that (no actual intercourse). It’s caused me years of shame and hopelessness, and I’ve always felt alone, defective, and like my husband got screwed by marrying me.
    Now it’s dawned on me though that I’ve been the one sabotaging this all, and that’s why it hasn’t worked. I needed all those years to work through my past trauma (raped at age 3 by grandpa, molested by mom, and molested by brother). My body memories needed time to fade away. All those years when I was trying to push myself to heal faster, I just needed the space to mend without a time frame or limit put upon myself. Thankfully, my husband and I have had some good non-penetrating sex over the years – but more importantly than that, we’ve grown so close through this difficulty. We’ve gained the intimacy I needed in order to truly let down my guard and allow intercourse to happen. I used to think that it was just a matter of my muscles being physically retrained, but it’s been way more mental, emotional, metaphysical, and spiritual then I would’ve ever thought.
    So now I’m back at it again with the dilators. This time I’m also adding some pelvic floor releasing techniques and overall relaxation techniques. If anyone else has any additional tips for me, I’d be grateful! Especially those who have been at it for a long time 🙂


    Hi Peace8. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and want you to know I am here to support you 100%. I had severe vaginismus all during my 20s and into my early 30s. I could not insert a thing, even the smallest size tampon. For me, I successfully overcame after having the Botox procedure and then doing progressive dilation. I found that I could dilate afterwards as the wall of resistance that my husband and I had always experienced was no longer there and it made insertion, removal, and reinsertion possible for the first time. I think it is amazing and something that you should be so proud of that you are able to successfully use the dilators and are now adding the pelvic floor releasing and relaxation techniques. I have used the Pure Romance dilators as well as the Glass dilators and love each of these as they have the handles that made it so much easier for me to successfully dilate. The Pure Romance ones were also a softer silicone material and I found that I could liberally use lubricant and it successfully stayed on both of these dilator sets. I have used YES lubricant and have loved it and it is now for sale in the US. Dr. Pacik has written the following concerning dilating tips: “Most women with vaginismus have spasm involving the entry muscle. The higher muscles may be tight but usually not in spasm. Therefore once one gets past the entry muscle, about one inch (2.5cm), the dilator practically “falls in” and the rest of the dilation process becomes easy. It is also helpful to do a series of Kegels, with complete relaxation of the pelvis on the 5th Kegel, and then insert. A Kegel is a purposeful contraction of the pelvic floor. Think of having to pee and tightening the pelvic floor to prevent urine from escaping. This is a Kegel. By doing a series of strong Kegels (5-10) and each time releasing, then resuming again, one tires the pelvic floor which can make dilation easier. Also the use of a vibrator has been shown to help relaxation when dilating. Always use lots of lube.” I also wanted to share a great thread for relaxation techniques (see below). I hope these help. For the vets reading this, please, please share your thoughts. Melissa and Dr. Pacik, do you also have further thoughts here. So importantly, please, again, know that I’m here for you and I look so forward to reading your future posts.



    Thank you so much Heather34, very helpful!!


    Hi Peace8, welcome to the forum!

    Thank you for your brave post.

    I think returning to consistent dilation is a key component. I also like the Pure Romance dilators, so if you don’t have that set, you might want to consider investing in those dilators. They are a soft silicone and can be more comfortable for dilation than plastic dilators. If you have never tried sleeping with the small dilators over night, you might want to give that a try. I am not sure if you are having your husband dilate with you, but you can also add that in.

    Working through past trauma will also be very important, it is unclear from your post if you have worked with a therapist in the past. But that might also be extremely helpful.

    Meditation and Guided Imagery can also help get your body into a very relaxed state prior to dilation.

    I think it is awesome that you and your husband are still having non intercourse sex and connecting intimately, that is so important. Intercourse is only one way to have sex, so don’t forget about all the other ways to experience pleasure.

    Hope this helps.



    No problem Peace8. I think it’s so awesome that we have this Forum as an excellent place to connect and talk about vaginismus as it is often kept so quiet. Now, we can speak of it and all support each other in a private yet extremely helpful place. I love what you wrote about adding pelvic floor releasing techniques and overall relaxation techniques into your dilating. For others who are reading this and also going through dilating but who may be too shy to post, could you describe what has helped you to relax while doing your dilating? I absolutely love what you wrote Melissa about meditation and guided imagery as a means of getting your body into a relaxed state prior to dilation. I did a Google search and found an awesome link to the 7 Best YouTube Guided Meditations. http://www.mindfulmuscle.com/5-top-guided-meditations/ Some of the descriptions of these meditations include:
    “Blissful Deep Relaxation Guided Meditation
    I like this guided meditation because it has sounds of ocean waves in the background. This is nice because it puts me into a calm state by itself. Also, there is a wonderful integration of breathing exercises that sooth and relax. You may find yourself feeling weightless at some point, which is quite nice.”
    “Breathing Guided Imagery Meditation
    Many meditations tell us to breathe deeply, but what does that mean?
    I like the way this begins by simply demonstrating what deep breathing means. The meditation guides you to put one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest. This shows the correct method of diaphragmatic breathing, which increases the amount of oxygen that goes into your lungs.
    Beyond that, this meditation does a nice job of guiding you through imagery to stillness. You are then given about 10 minutes without a guiding voice to allow you to float in silence. “The Seat” meditation is an effective way to connect with your breath and find a place of stillness inside.”

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