All Things DILATING (2)

[Bragibbs]

Hello Ladies,

I am a male partner supporting my loving girlfriend through vaginismus. We had hit a brick wall when it comes to dilating. But reading your comments and suggestions really helped; we took notes :)! Thank you for all that you have shared.

As a guy, I truly appreciate it. It gives me a different perspective and helps me to be better able to help my partner :).

[recessivegenequeen]

Bragibbs, we are always happy to hear that we can be of some help to people affected by vaginismus – I think partners are under a special kind of strain, so please do come to us if you have other questions along the way or just need encouragement!

[melannw]

Hello,

I’m new here and new to the whole process of dilating. It was only recently suggested to me by a pelvic floor physio that I saw at the BC Women’s Health Centre (for chronic pelvic pain) in Vancouver. I am having a hard time deciding which product to buy. This was what the physio suggested:

https://secure11.securewebexchange.com/laurelprescriptions.com/cgi-bin/shoppingcart/shop.cgi/page=vaginismus.html/SID=1468497156.627

I really don’t have a lot of money and was wondering if this is the best product for the price or if there’s something better at reasonable cost.

Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

M

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Melannw! I haven’t used that set so I’m not sure how it works. I see it doesn’t have a flared base, and also that it’s made of paraffin wax, which seems kind of odd? I’ll wait for one of the doctors to weigh in definitively, but I’ll say that the set I used was true romance dilators and that they run for $99 US. They’re the ones the Maze Clinic gave me, so they like them there:
https://www.pureromance.com/shop/sex-health/vaginal-dilator-tapered-silicone-dilators

I totally get money being tight, but at the same time I wouldn’t necessarily advise just going for the cheapest dilators you can find. If they don’t work well, you may just have to shell out again for good ones.

[endofmytether]

I’m using the FEMMAX dilators and have moved pretty quickly through to the 3rd one which I can now insert easily. However, I have been stuck on the 4th one (largest) for quite some time now. I always start with the no 2, then no 3 then onto 4, but I just can’t get it past about a third of the way in, and today I spent a long time on it and have been left very sore inside (sorry for the detail!). It’s like I just can’t push it any further. I have tried a couple of positions but no joy. Any tips please?

[Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C]

I am not super familiar with the FEMMAX dilators so I looked them up online. I’m wondering if the size difference between the 3 and the 4 is just too much. It might be helpful to get a dilator between those 2 sizes.

[endofmytether]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I think you could be right about the size difference. The end is not very tapered either so quite a square end. It would be difficult to order just one dilator though and even harder to gauge the correct size! I may have to invest in another set – any recommendations?

[recessivegenequeen]

I totally had this problem with the Pure Romance set – the difference between the largest and next-to-largest size was immense so I had to use an intermediate dilator I got at the Maze clinic. I’ll defer to the doctors on which set would be best to mix in with yours, but this is a very common problem! Some milestones are just harder to hit than others at first.

[endofmytether]

I’m afraid I have another question! I feel I’m progressing well with the dilators but I notice that many women on here have slept with a dilator in and the thought of that completely freaks me out! Is it absolutely necessary to do that or can I get over vaginismus just with the everyday dilating that I’m currently doing?

[recessivegenequeen]

Endofmytether – you absolutely DO NOT have to sleep with a dilator inserted if you don’t want to! I had a lot of trouble with this at first (there was one night I HAD to sleep with it in after I got the botox procedure), but it is very much an optional step. Some women like it because they feel like they’re getting a lot of dilation time in, but being consistent daily is far more important than the length of the session. I personally didn’t like sleeping with a dilator in because I sleep on my stomach and the angle of the dilator made that impossible, but even without doing that more than the night I had to I was still able to have intercourse after daily dilation. If it freaks you out, stick to daytime sessions – your mental comfort is super important!

[endofmytether]

Thanks recessivegenequeen, what a relief! This just felt like another massive hurdle I had to overcome. After my post I did try to sleep with a small dilator in but it was impossible for me as in certain positions it was just too uncomfortable and I became quite distressed with the whole thing. It seems strange that I can now tolerate the largest dilator and be pain free with numbers 1 to 3 but I found sleeping with one so hard! Anyway, I dilate for around half and hour to an hour every day and I’ll continue with that. I’m also having a 10 minute consultation over Skype with a Licensed Thrive Consultant & Psychotherapist in the UK who says she has a ‘different’ but highly successful programme for vaginismus. I don’t expect any miracles but I thought it wouldn’t harm to speak to her. I’ll let you know what I think.

[endofmytether]

Hi, me again. I have kept up with the daily dilating and I can now manage all the sizes without pain so I feel quite proud of myself! However, even though I expect some discomfort I still find the feeling of movement with the dilator really weird and I can’t imagine intercourse ever feeling pleasant. I move them around in various ways in order to face my fear and that has definitely helped, so now I need to start thinking about transitioning to sex which I know will be another hurdle, so wish me luck!

The other interesting thing I’ve noticed since I’ve started self-treatment again after many years is the emotional changes in me. I don’t know whether anyone else has experienced this but (especially in my case after many years with vaginismus) all my pent-up anger has surfaced now and I am outraged about some of the so-called medical treatment and ‘support’ I’ve had in the past from the medical profession and the fact that this condition is still hidden. I have an urge to speak out to the world about how cruel vaginismus is and the extent it can affect all areas of your life; I suspect there are still many women out there who keep it secret and live in shame who need to know they aren’t alone and help is available.

[Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C]

Congratulations on all of your hard work. Keep working with the dilators, and keep moving them in and out to help get used to that feeling. Sex is different, you are aroused and having fun and your body responds differently. But, there is a transition time. And that is work too.

As far as your anger, I don’t blame you for feeling that way. You were let down. Not enough people talk about vaginismus or even know how to treat it. Maybe write some blogs about it, and continue to post your successes here. The more we talk about it, the more hope we can give someone else suffering in silence from it.

I wish you continued success in your journey!

[endofmytether]

Thanks Cathleen. We actually had intercourse today (and today’s my birthday!). I dilated first with the largest dilator for about 15 minutes then we tried with me on top – obviously I needed to be in full control! It didn’t hurt but it was awkward because I asked my husband not to move or suddenly grab me etc so it was difficult for him to keep momentum. He also said he was afraid to be too hard in case he hurt me. I know these are typical problems during transition and we have been at this stage many years ago but unfortunately we didn’t progress much further. It actually felt a lot softer than the plastic dilators and we used plenty of lube, which my husband noticed took some of the feeling away.

Anyway, it’s progress. I know we still have a long way to go but it was encouraging.

[mazemelissa]

This is still a huge step!
Everything you described in this encounter is normal.

Intercourse at first is very mechanical, not super romantic. Often partner can have trouble keeping erections, as they are afraid to hurt their partner, and they don’t want to thrust as vigorously as they need to, or penetration into the vagina is too slow.

What might help is having your partner insert some of the dilators for you, maybe some of the smaller ones, so you can learn to give up some control, and would give him some confidence that he wont hurt you.

I’d practice more motion with the dilators, swift insertion and thrusting in and out to get used to the feeling of intercourse.

You can try coconut oil rather than traditional lubricant, as that is less messy and wet, and might be a better feel for your husband.