Choosing not to treat vaginismus

[donnaa]

Just want to share my story with you guys.

I’m currently in a relationship with someone I adore, love and worship. He’s a truck driver so I don’t see him a lot, but when he’s in town he lives with me for a few days in my apartment.

I was diagnosed with vaginismus a year ago, but I deliberately didn’t do anything about it for a multitude of reasons. The major one is that I don’t have the money to pay for the treatment. The second reason is that I absolutely want to give my partner sex. I’m sure he’d understand when I told him I had vaginismus, but in the current phase of my relationship I don’t want to do that. I really can’t imagine us having no sex anymore because I need treatment, because despite the pain, I feel it’s an important piece of our relationship.

When we have sex he needs to “push through” to get in, but I told him I’m just a bit tight down there and that he shouldn’t pay attention to me. He usually lasts only a few thrusts so the pain is manageable, although it really hurts.

I wonder if I’m the only one who isn’t ready yet to inform their partner about their vaginismus, and who wants to keep the “magic” that everything is okay alive, especially in the beginning of a new relationship?

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi donnaa – I think a lot of women with vaginismus will tell you that it is a REALLY hard thing to open up about, even with a partner. I was the same way when I was still dealing with vaginismus. I understand that it probably feels especially daunting when your partner is in town so sporadically and you want to make the most of the time when you get to see him.

You deserve for sex to not feel painful. Women as a gender are raised to be deferential and giving as a gender, and this often extends to how we feel we need to act in the bedroom. We want our partners to have a good time so we will often disregard or even try to hide any pain and discomfort we’re feeling. But this strategy often isn’t sustainable in the long term because if you’re not enjoying sex with your partner (or if it’s actively hurting you), you’ll likely develop an aversion to having intercourse that can affect the intimacy of your partnership overall.

Part of what’s scary about sharing you have vaginismus is that it can make you feel very powerless. If this is something you feel like you’re approaching being ready to talk about with your partner, one strategy that might help you feel more in control is to create a plan for treatment (or even start trying to seek it, for example by ordering a dilator kit) and when you tell your partner about your vaginismus, let him know that it’s something you’re working on. This puts more of the power back into your hands by pursuing a treatment plan, and it demonstrates to your partner that this isn’t a problem that has to define your relationship forever. You can even show him success stories from this forum to help him better understand what to expect.

Only you can know whether treatment is something that you want to pursue and when you might be ready to do that, but there are a lot of vaginismus treatment options and I’d highly recommend exploring it so you don’t have to be in pain indefinitely!

[Heather]

Hi donnaa! Recessivegenequeen said it all! You deserve an incredible sex life! You should not be having to go through this pain and I’m so sorry that you are. Vaginismus is so inconvenient. If you’re up for dilating, I wouldn’t knock it! You’re able to insert a penis and handle a couple strokes so you’re able to accomplish insertion which is actually really huge for Vaginismus! I purchased the Pure Romance dilator kit. A bunch of lube. And then you would want a consistent schedule. More days of the week than not. And never push your body if it is asking you to rest! They range from the size of your pinky, to 51/2 inch penis I believe. I know it’s around there, which is average size for most males. But they do sell a bigger size separately. The idea is to be able to stretch bigger than your partners penis so that your body is like, oh! We can handle that because we can handle a little bit more! So it’s a comfy insertion. You would start with the smallest and insert it. Leave it in for a minute, or until you feel comfortable enough to take it all the way out and put it back in again. From there you would start slow strokes, making sure you don’t take it all the way out this time. I used to complete my dilating session and then leave it in there and watch a movie so my body would get used to penetration. I wasn’t able to insert anything at all, that’s why I had to get the BOTOX procedure. But you absolutely deserve pain free, mind blowing sex! Let us know if you have any questions! There is also an entire section dedicated to dilating with a ton of great info!