Conquering Vaginismus On Your Own

[marina]

Hi there, my name is Marina(clearly). I’m a 20-something single woman, never inserted a tampon, never had a successful pelvic exam, never had consensual penetrative sex, never masterbated by penetration, never experienced being given an orgasm, and have never stayed with a partner for more than two weeks before being confronted with “hey, why won’t you talk about sex? Is it something I did?”. If this sounds familiar, first, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. And I’m ready for change. (And sex.)
I decided last week, after ghosting a man because I was getting too attached, that 2019 would be the year I have pleasurable sex.
I’ve been trying to have sex since I was 16. Every time with someone that I truly liked and wanted to have sex with. The only pressure placed on me was the overwhelming fear that I wouldn’t be able to do it because of “the wall.” The wall hurt so bad. It came every time, every single time, anything made contact with my vagina. So I gave up and vowed to remain single and abstinent until the wall went away. (At this time, I didn’t know I had Vaginismus. I thought it just wasn’t time for me to have sex.)
Fast forward three years, I was drugged and raped. In my broken little mind, I thought I had been cured. After receiving a clean bill of health from my local PP, I decided to try to have sex thinking that the rape must have opened me up. I was wrong. Just as before my lover was greeted with a painful wall. I was devestated and reality kicked in. This problem is serious and it’s causing actual damage.
I’ve been to several gynecologists, all of which told me it’s just stress, or that I haven’t found the right person, or that I need to bear through the pain in able to eventually have good sex. I refuse to accept these answers.
Sex shouldn’t take hours to talk myself into trying, I shouldn’t be crying while trying to insert my finger in my vagina, my vagina shouldn’t burn after two attempts to put my lover’s penis in. This isn’t normal.
I found Maze Women’s Health forum and have felt so overwhelmed to know that there were other women out there struggling alongside me. Women who, like me, haven’t been able to have a normal, healthy, sexual, passionate relationship due to Vaginismus. It’s isolating and sad- we shouldn’t have to live like this. So I want to document my journey via this forum to hopefully inspire other young single(or not single) girls like myself to defeat this SOB. Because I will defeat it. 2018 was the last year I suffer with Vaginismus.
I’m currently staring at the package of dilators I purchased. And I’m gathering up the courage to start the fight. Wish me luck- and to whoever’s still reading, I’ll let you know how the first dilator goes.

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Hi Marina,
Thanks for posting. So glad you found this forum. Dilating is the key to overcoming vaginismus. We are here for you every step of the way. Let us know how the first dilator goes.
Best of everything,
Helen

[marina]

Want to apologize in advance for TMI.
Hi reader(s)- so after a few more days of staring at my package of dilators, I decided to swallow my fear and open the box. Upon discovering the dilators’ characteristics, I immediately put them away. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wasn’t expecting an assortment of rock hard plastic tubes. I was actually frightened by what was to come.
So I made an effort to lock myself away in my house, sit down with a few Pornhub favorites and try it out.
Now before, I was never ever able to masterbate with even a finger- no matter how much I wanted or attempted to. So this time I didn’t allow myself room for failure. I was getting that smallest dilator inside my body, no matter how uncomfortable.
It was painful getting the dilator past the wall, as expected. I kept it pressed up against my vagina and waited. I sat there for about five minutes until it finally, as I orgasmed, relaxed and the tube inched in. It was weird. Slight burning, pressure, and a weird warmness. I hated it at first. I felt awkward and it immediately made me nauseous. There was something literally inside my body. Slowly but surely, I was able to slide the dilator in more and more until I reached the lip that indicated the handle of the dilator.
At this point it was incredibly warm, the pressure was nearly unbearable, and I really had to pee. But I thought “no. I’m doing this.” I kept the tube steady for about ten minutes. Instead of not thinking about it, I purposefully focused on it. I repeated to myself, “There is a four inch tube of plastic inside your vagina.” Eventually, the burning went away. I decided to do some Kegel Exercises and I rolled the tube around very gently. I still felt weird and nauseous, but it no longer hurt. I could feel my body trying to push it out, so I don’t know if that’s normal or not, but I kept it propped at the lip on the handle.
A few minutes of the rolling passed, and I began moving the dilator in and out, in and out, in and out- just as a penis or finger would. It felt very warm. Unfortunately, I didn’t get aroused by this so I’m slightly discouraged, but even though it felt uncomfortable, it didn’t hurt. I kept the tube in for about 30 minutes while I watched a show on Netflix.
So the first dilator was a success, despite me being extremely uncomfortable and incredibly turned off.
I’m studying the largest dilator now. It’s going to be a while before I’m able to use it easily, or have normal penetrative sex, but I’m a little bit more confident than I was yesterday and that’s all that matters.
I will update anyone reading on my progress with the first dilator.

[Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C]

Congratulations on making it through your first dilation session. Well done. Dilation is an exercise, keep going with it! It is going to be hard, but the results will be worth the effort.

[recessivegenequeen]

Marina – congratulations on beginning your journey! This is a huge step and you should be very proud of yourself. Getting used to the sensation of having something inside you is probably the weirdest part of handling vaginismus, and it WILL get easier over time. Also – you shouldn’t feel bad that you don’t find the dilators arousing. That’s not really their purpose, I see them as more medical in nature. Once you get more comfortable with inserting things, I recommend getting a separate vibrator for purposes of actual pleasure. The dilators are meant more for the stretching and working of the muscles than actual enjoyment.

I know the biggest dilator seems huge right now, but you will get there! It’s a process that takes one day at a time. You can do it!

[Sks823]

marina,

Congrats on your success with dilators on your own – I am so so impressed (I bought dilators and was unable to use them on my own)! Hopefully you’ve continued with your progress. If not, there are resources (like pelvic therapy/Maze appointments) to help you.

All of us on the forum are rooting for you!

Cheers