Emotional Issues When Dealing with Vaginismus: Anger
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December 17, 2015 at 2:11 pm #9410Heather34Moderator
Post-procedure, Dr. Pacik has said so many times “You have to catch up emotionally to where you are physically!” This was very true for me post-procedure as it was for so many others on the Forum. On the Maze Women’s Sexual Health website, these emotional issues that arise after becoming physically free of vaginismus are discussed and are extremely helpful.
“As you overcome the vaginismus, learning to control the muscle spasms, manage the pain, you start to let go of some of the fear and terror of the pain. As you start to accept that your body is normal, you might start feeling angry because:
• You can’t believe people are making you change. On some level facing this issue was a decision you made, but sometimes you might feel like “Damn it, I was fine the way I was before.” I don’t want to have to be like everyone else! I don’t want to change the way I am in order to have a relationship. I was fine, fine, fine and I don’t want to give up who I am!”
• You might feel scared that now you will be expected to do something you haven’t done before. For example, if you’ve been avoiding dating because of your vaginismus, you might now feel like suddenly your last excuse to yourself is gone and now what? Now you have to start dating. If you are in a relationship you might feel pressured to have intercourse now that you “can,” and you don’t feel ready.
• You might feel angry that treatment is taking so long and is so much work. First of all, have some patience with yourself. Changing your vagina is a big deal. You are not crazy. Try to get a handle on what is going on with yourself, and accept that the road might be a bit bumpy.
Now, here are some things to think about. Focus on the ones that resonate with you. Everyone is different and the things that bother (or help) one person might well not bother (or help) you. So think about which of these ideas might make you feel better:
• You don’t have to change one little thing about the rest of your life just because you can. Fixing the vaginismus does not mean you have to start dating, get into a relationship or start having intercourse. It means you CAN change those things if you want to, and if you do decide that those are things you want, you can make a decision, either by yourself or with the help of a therapist to change those things. One is not necessarily a byproduct of the other and you are, in the end, the only one who really has control over those secondary changes.
• See if the anger is really turned inward and try to take the time to see what exactly you’re blaming yourself for. You didn’t ask for things to be this way and you couldn’t really control the outcome. Vaginismus is not something we “make happen to our bodies” or that we are responsible for creating. It’s not our fault.
• Try to share your fears and concerns and anger with your health practitioner. We can handle it. And it’s much, much easier for us to help you if you’re honest with how you’re feeling, even if what you’re feeling is anger at how long the whole damn process is taking!”
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