Epididymal hypertension and vaginismus

[rachid]

I want to apologize for my terrible English, it’s not my native language so I’m sure I’ll make many mistakes.

As far as I have understood, it’s okay if males post here on this forum too, so I want to contribute a few words.

I have the impression this forum seems to have mainly American visitors, and I thought it might be interesting if I explained a few things on vaginismus from another viewpoint which comes from another part of the world.

I want to tell you something first about my background. Both me and my wife are religious. In our culture, this means that sex before marriage is not allowed, so she was my first bed partner. Furthermore (and this will be important later on), one of the biggest sins you can do in our religion is to masturbate. The reason behind this is that all sperm has to be used to procreate, to get kids. It cannot be ‘lost’ during masturbation. This means the only way a male is allowed to ejaculate, is through intercourse. I know this may sound stupid or strange to outsiders, but this is a very important and sacred rule which gets a lot of males in trouble when their wife has vaginismus. The only time we can touch our genitals is when we use the bathroom or when we take a shower.

My wife was also the first female I saw naked. Yes, course I already saw pictures of other nude women when I was a teen, but she was the first one I saw naked in real life. You can probably imagine how that feels for most men in my culture, after fantasizing for years about how it would be to make love to a women… when that moment is finally there, all you can think is: yes, finally! You’re basically looking forward to that moment from the day you are born. But unfortunately that moment never came. We tried, but it was so painful for my wife we had to stop. She was so tensed up I couldn’t get in. That same night I started noticing a strange, uncomfortable feeling in my lower pelvic region. It was a kind of pain I never had before, but I tried to ignore it as much as I could and it finally went away.

During the next days a pattern emerged, which I recognized only weeks later: each time we tried to have sex, it was not only my wife who was in pain, but the pain came back for me as well. And each time, the feeling lasted longer and longer. I don’t remember anymore how many times we tried, but after a few weeks we gave up and I asked her to go to a doctor because I was afraid something was wrong with her. And I was right: the doctor said she had vaginismus and that she basically was unable to have sex. From my side, things started getting worse and worse night after night. Whenever I thought I was feeling better, simply seeing my wife naked before she was going to bed or in the morning, was enough to trigger the bad feeling again. It felt like a depression.

So on my turn, I went to see a doctor as well. The verdict was epididymal hypertension, a condition caused because an ejaculation is held back for too long. My body basically became a bit overenthusiastic each time I saw my wife naked, and it was preparing itself for an ejaculation, which never came. It’s a harmless condition but it does hurt and can have an impact on your emotional well being. Looking back to what happened, it makes sense. I think most males here on the forum who have a partner with vaginismus, simply masturbate to get rid of the sexual tension afterwards. That’s something I can and will not do, so there was no way the tension could escape. After a few weeks I learned how to handle the feeling better and I could even “force” my own ejaculation to occur handsfree by kissing and touching my wife and “pushing” my own body over the edge. A few hours later the epididymal hypertension disappears automatically.

I talked about what happened to my wife and the effect it had on me with a family member who is well known in the religious community and he gave me the names of two other couples who had the same issue. We had a talk with them and those men had exactly the same condition as I have. So it’s something that regularly happens to men who don’t masturbate and can’t have a release during sex. I never read about this here so I thought it would be information that could be useful to other people.

In the mean time my wife is seeing a female doctor to help her with relaxation exercises and I hope things will work out for us during the next couple of months. It’s certainly not my intention to say that men suffer more than women, I only wanted to added this condition can occur in males when your partner has vaginismus.

[kiadenmark]

Hi there Rachid, thanks for your story. It’s refreshing to read another point of view, and to see how in large parts of the world religion still has a giant influence on someones sexuality.

I think epididymal hypertension is something almost all men can relate to. My husband has this as well, for instance after a long session of kissing and touching each others bodies. He can easily resolve the problem by masturbating. As far as I get it that’s out of the question for you. But as you’ve discovered as well, even when you don’t get relief, your body takes care of business when the pressure gets too high and an ejaculation will occur automatically (either during a nightly dream or during sexual activity). I understand this is not an easy subject to talk about with a partner who has vaginismus, cause it adds an extra layer of complexity on top of the issues she is already dealing with. But l agree we should have the courage to also talk about the issues vaginismus can cause (indirectly) in men.

[recessivegenequeen]

Thanks so much for sharing your perspective with us here, Rachid! It’s helpful to remember that couples and partners are affected differently by vaginismus based on their backgrounds. We often give men the same advice here (to masturbate or have their partners stimulate them when intercourse isn’t possible), but everyone has their own priorities and methods of coping. I’m glad your wife is getting help and that she received the correct diagnosis right away so you weren’t left in the dark about what to do. Please let us know if you have questions along the way – we are wishing the best for you and your wife!