Frustration and vaginismus

[rabbit]

The topic from Annelies raised a good point which I almost forgot about (getting old I guess) and I’d like to know if this played a role in others as well.

Although I knew penetration was not possible, I still had what my therapist calls a vaginal ‘desire’. I don’t know if you guys know what I mean but in my case that feeling was very obvious. As soon as I was making out with my partner and I was in the mood, I got this strong desire to feel something inside of me. I could have dragged my partner onto me when I had this. 🙂 And knowing that was impossible, only added to the frustration.

I also recognize another thing Annenlies wrote about: touching each others bodies only adds to the excitement (and frustration). I don’t know if you guys have that as well, but sometimes my sexual excitement was so overwhelming I felt cramps in my lower abdomen. It became painful to be excited basically. So I started avoiding that. Which didn’t help my vaginism… I guess this is the part where an orgasm would help, but if you’re unable to have one, well… that isn’t the best feeling on earth.

Anyone with the same experience?

[sunnysideup]

Not me, but my roommate/best friend. After her boyfriends came to visit her (boys weren’t allowed to sleep over) she always sat next to me in the living room and put a hot cherry pit pillow on her stomach.

She kept doing that for weeks and I once asked her why she did that and she explained to me she was anorgasmic. When she had sex with her boyfriend she couldn’t have an orgasm, and this would give her what she called “blue labia”, which apparently is pain you get from being excited too long without sexual relief.

So yeah, it’s a thing. You’re never too old to learn 🙂

[lizzybear]

There are some valid points made over here…. and I have the impression this is kind of a taboo topic to talk about, so thanks to both of you for your openness.

I currently have vaginismus and I also have issues reaching an orgasm. I’ve got the feeling I can get to the edge, but I don’t seem to actually get an orgasm, no matter what I do. And yes, vaginismus patients can definitely have a sex drive. It’s not because we have issues with penetration that we can’t get sexually excited.

I do recognize the feeling you guys are talking about: when I’m on that brink for too long or my partner stimulates me till I get there few times, this quickly turns into frustration and even pain. I never knew what that was until I heard about this in Orange is the New Black, I don’t know if someone saw this on Netflix? Apparently it’s a common thing! It’s the equivalent of blue balls in men. I wish I heard about that before…

[recessivegenequeen]

Even if you have vaginismus, it’s still totally possible to be aroused (as everyone here has described). It’s definitely harder for a lot of women with vaginismus to have an orgasm though, often because being aroused is negatively associated with the pain of attempted penetration, so all the feelings and anxieties around that stimulation can make you too distracted to have an orgasm.

If you’re younger and haven’t had an orgasm yet, one possibility is that you haven’t gotten the right stimulation. I highly recommend getting some kind of external vibrator to use on your clitoris – it’s often the case if you’re with less experienced partners or haven’t spent a ton of time exploring your own body that you just haven’t been exposed to the right sensations to cause an orgasm yet. Maze has a guide on buying the right dilator here:
http://mazewomenshealth.com/how-to-choose-a-vibrator-video-series/

[rabbit]

Well, in my case I’ve tried vibrators but still couldn’t come. It’s frustrating to hear someone say they have a solution (which is usually: ‘buy a vibrator’). And while that might help some women, involuntary the other group will feel even more depressed after hearing that kind of ‘advice’. I know most people are simply trying to help but it’s not a good solution for everyone.

[recessivegenequeen]

You’re right rabbit, it doesn’t work for everyone and catchall advice can definitely feel hurtful if it doesn’t actually work for you (sort of like people with vaginismus being told to “drink a glass of wine and relax.”)

I recently read Bat Sheva Marcus’s book Sex Points (she’s the clinical director at Maze), which has a large focus on issues with orgasm. If you haven’t been able to have an orgasm before I recommend checking it out – it discusses a lot of less common issues and solutions:
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Points-Reclaim-Revolutionary-Multi-point/dp/0306873877