Got rid of vaginismus, but other issues came up… tips and a question

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi abby22 – thanks SO much for sharing your story, this is super informative and talks about a part of the problem a lot of people don’t know as much about!

To start with your question, this kind of thing is VERY common, for all the reasons you mentioned. Men who haven’t been able to penetrate their partners before often have issues with erections when the time comes, sometimes because they just aren’t used to the intensity of penetration and also sometimes because they’re afraid of hurting their partners. It’s an unexpected hangup that often lengthens the journey to penetration and I wish it was more talked about.

I think this isn’t discussed as much because often women need to be hyperfocused on their own bodies and progress at dilation when receiving treatment – it’s often a time when the male partner generously takes the backseat to support his partner, so any issues he might have are often overlooked until the time to perform comes. When I was doing dilation, my partner at the time had issues for a little bit with having an erection because he was afraid of hurting me, and we also had to deal with a separate issue earlier in our relationship because he could only have an orgasm when it was his own hand finishing him off (which turned out to be because he had gotten too used to his own grip when masturbating).

I’m glad you brought this up – I bet lots of women are experiencing this right now but have no idea it’s a common scenario when treating vaginismus!

[coldasice]

Thanks for bringing this up.

To Maze: why not create a section about this on your website and help bringing this out in the open?

In general: did you know male sexual dysfunctions are even more common than vaginismus? Almost every single guy has issues with sexual dysfunctions at a certain point in his life, but we rarely talk about this (or when we do, we usually laugh about it).

For most types of dysfunctions (loss of erection, not able to get an erection, ejaculating too soon or too late) special exercises are available you can do with your partner. My advice is to talk about the issues your partner has outside of a sexual context.

[recessivegenequeen]

It’s very true! Maze actually does have a separate website for men’s sexual issues, but it would probably be nice to address that on the women’s side too as it can be tied to vaginismus treatment. Here’s the Maze Men’s Health site:
https://www.mazemenshealth.com/

There’s also a section of the forums about vaginismus as it affects men, but it’s not used very often, which I think reflects the fact that men with sexual issues might feel even MORE stigma seeking help.

At the end of the day, most men AND most women deal with either painful sex or sexual performance issues at some point in their lives – this should be a WAY more normalized part of our larger conversations around health through adulthood!

[redrose]

Most women have found a way to get around their vaginismus in their marriage or relation, at least temporarily, and usually the alternative is masturbation (in each others presence or one partner doing it on the other one). And when you’re like my husband and never had sex before with another partner, that means they had NO other way of stimulation besides masturbation, for their entire life. It’s a HIGHLY underrated issue that causes problems in almost ALL couples once penetration is allowed.

The ejaculatory reflex might be triggered at the wrong moment, causing premature ejaculations or – perhaps even worse – guys having a hard time finishing at all. Sometimes the intensity of stimulation in the vagina is so different when compared to the tight grip of a hand, guys don’t feel enough and can continue forever without ever getting an orgasm. Or they get tired, get flaccid, give up, etc… Others can’t stand the warmth/moist and ejaculate as soon as they penetrate the vagina, or even faster, when thinking about what is about to come is already enough to trigger an orgasm. The entire spectrum is possible.

My therapist warned me this could happen and thanks to her we were able to work things out, but I’m not sure this is info that every practitioner shares with their clients.

[Heather]

Hi abby22!
This is a GREAT thread. And it is definitely not spoken about enough!! Even during my own treatment with vaginismus, I wasn’t informed that my partner could develop a sexual dysfunction. In the beginning, my husband had a difficult time staying erect because he was so scared to hurt me. After seeing my in tears multiple times before. There’s a lot to it, like redrose said, the possibilities and causes are much too large to pin point exactly. I’ve read a lot about premature ejaculation, my friends fiancé suffers this. And just like vaginismus, it’s very treatable. Inconvenient as it is, you have already overcome so much, that this will be a breeze for you two. There’s so many tricks out there you could try at home together. There’s also delay sprays or numbing creams found at sex shoppes. Of course the uses for these products would be temporary, just enough to get him acquainted with sex and build up more of a tolerance for the stimulation. I’ve read that they try antidepressants for PE because it dulls the hormones in association with sex. But those kinds of meds can come with other side effects. I’m so sorry you both have to deal with this at all, but together you’ll over come it 🙂 You both deserve the best sex life together and I really hope this is resolved for you guys soon. Best of luck!

[recessivegenequeen]

It’s very true! Maze actually does have a separate website for men’s sexual issues, but it would probably be nice to address that on the women’s side too as it can be tied to vaginismus treatment. Here’s the Maze Men’s Health site:
https://www.mazemenshealth.com/

There’s also a section of the forums about vaginismus as it affects men, but it’s not used very often, which I think reflects the fact that men with sexual issues might feel even MORE stigma seeking help:
http://mazewomenshealth.com/forums/forum/vaginismus/vaginismus-for-the-men/

At the end of the day, most men AND most women deal with either painful sex or sexual performance issues at some point in their lives – this should be a WAY more normalized part of our larger conversations around health through adulthood!

[recessivegenequeen]

It’s very true! Maze actually does have a separate website for men’s sexual issues, but it would probably be nice to address that on the women’s side too as it can be tied to vaginismus treatment. Here’s the Maze Men’s Health site:
https://www.mazemenshealth.com/

There’s also a section of the forums about vaginismus as it affects men, but it’s not used very often, which I think reflects the fact that men with sexual issues might feel even MORE stigma seeking help:
http://mazewomenshealth.com/forums/forum/vaginismus/vaginismus-for-the-men/

At the end of the day, most men AND most women deal with either painful sex or sexual performance issues at some point in their lives – this should be a WAY more normalized part of our larger conversations around health through adulthood!

[Anonymous]

Your post is so useful for me.