Hope is on the Horizon (Dialating)

[Rachael]

It all started Friday the 11th (and my post procedure day 11 ironically). I had mastered #4 but I was getting very depressed and frustrated. #5 was always painful to insert, sorely uncomfortable to deal with. This was just day after day of misery. I could not sit anywhere anytime I used it. Even my softest chair was only bearable for a few minutes. Always feeling like I was asking my body to do too much. Feeling like I would never achieve my goals. That maybe I was beyond fixing. Too tight. That too long of a time I had been like this. Perhaps this was irreversible for me. Perhaps …….this was just the way it will be…… forever. Matter of fact, it felt like forever since I felt beautiful, sexy, or even aroused. The daily torture of dilating (which is what my mind started to think of it as) was not helping the matter. I kept thinking, even if by chance this does work, I can’t imagine ANYthing feeling good down there, there was just always pain, whether a little or a lot. My beloved husband was excellent at keeping me on target. Saying things like “But look how far you have come. 11 days ago, 4 would not even be possible let alone 3 or 2. Yes 5 has pain related to it. But it’s not the kind of pain that you can’t handle. and I’m proud of you” what he was saying was don’t give up. I’m the first to admit. I’m a quitter. If things get to hard, I give up. I think that was where a lot of the frustration was coming from. I didn’t want to quit. This was my last chance. This HAD to work.

So I decided to conduct an experiment that my mind knew would fail, while my heart clung to hope it would not. Being very uncomfortable and miserable standing for an hour working on my laptop (at home thank God)I charged up the We Vibe Tango. For those of you who don’t know this is a small vibrator that Dr Pacik office sells. He had claimed in our post procedure meeting groups that it’s been known to help while dilating. I’ll admit. My first thought when he said that was..ARE you CRAZY!!! Apparently your are under the delusion I’m an over achiever!
Well anyway… I digress…follow this link to see the one I’m referring to.
http://we-vibe.com/tango

Let me remind you that the pain of stretching was unbearable. Dr Pacik had told me I was in the top 5 % of his tightest cases. To Not rush it and to have patience. There was also this pin size sharp pain just inside the vestibule that Dr. Pacik said may also be related to pelvic floor dysfunction (Great!) I had never been able to have any penetration at all. EVER. So you’d think I’d be pretty happy about #4. I was for 9 days. But 5 seemed like a mountain in comparison. I was even looking online for a 4 1/2.

So….I waited for the Tango to charge and decided on my lunch break I would see what happens.

HOLY CRAP!!!!
I was not expecting what took place and I’m NOT talking about arousal.

As soon as the Tango made contact with skin, the pain instantly abated dramatically. When it came in contact with the dilator it erased every negative sensation I was experiencing up to then. I mean gone. Not a one on the scale. GONE!!! What Scale??? Again I am NOT talking about arousal. Yes. I’m still a woman. Yes I was aroused. But what stood out more than THAT sensation was that lack of the negative ones. No pain. Not tightness. No pressure. No pinch. I noticed as soon as I took it away, it all came back. But that was OK!!
I still was amazed. I never thought that would happen. SEX is painful. First few times will always be painful. That was the programming I knew. This was NOT ..in anyway ..Painful. Not to mention I have never in my LIFE experience arousal with something inside me. I almost wept.
The sensations was overwhelming. The emotions were overwhelming. The shattering of years of what now felt like delusions were rocking my brain to its core.

So where to from here… I knew there was one more mental hurdle to get over. An orgasm. That would surely be painful. Wouldn’t it? Those muscles down there would be contacting like crazy. Screw it! (pardon the pun) but I needed to start reprogramming and “stretching” my brain and psyche. What if I can’t come to completion ……. the anxiety was building again.
I mean we are talking about re writing 20+ years, for that matter, re writing every orgasm I ever had felt. Before building panic could take over and stop me in my tracks, I went for it.

To my amazement, in time, it felt good enough to allow me to do some slow gentle trusting with the dilator. Talk about unchartered territory. When it finally happened, I was astounded at the sensation of the muscles contracting AROUND something for once. I noticed some pain through the contractions.. but the sweet flood of endorphins mellowed it away. All this was accomplished with the We Vibe. My new friend. LOL.
I was plenty sore by then but also elated. In total I had made it through an hour and a half with #5. That had yet to happen too.

Forgive me if this was too much TMI. But it was a MAJOR breakthrough at a time when I was beginning to think this may not work for me. I now make use of the Tango to insert 5 went it is being stubborn. Just a few gentle touches to get me to relax and accept it. Once in, I can go about my day. When ever the it feels uncomfortable, I give it a 2 minute tease to relax. I figure this is a smart thing to start incorporating with the dilating. Hell, we’re not getting this problem fixed just to say we did. There is an end game for all of us. The Same Goal and there should be nothing to be embarrassed about.

Played around with it and #5 for fun on Saturday again. Jim was very impressed. Needless to say things became very TMI then. But no penetration just enjoyed each other again.
Things are getting so much better every day. Sunday (yesterday) we were busy all day with yard work at his parents. So I didn’t’ get to start dilating until late at night. Because of the great accomplishments over the weekend, I chose to just use number 4. Which went in and out easily. No pain, not anxiety, not even any lubricant needed.
Today I was able to start with #5. AMAZING!!! If you told me I’d be starting my dilation with number 5 on day 14 a week ago, I’d have called the “white coats” on Ya!

Funny thing though. Just getting prepared, I noticed I may have over programmed my brain *snickers*, since I started to get aroused even before I got #5 out of the box.

Hang in there Girls, There’s Hope on the Horizon if you are struggling with dilating.
I say to you… give it a try and see for yourself.
Ps this is not a sales pitch for Tango. You go get whatever works for you. Just telling you to toss some good vibrations down there and see what comes of it. (again… pardon the pun)

[Janet Pacik]

Rachael, Your post brought tears to my eyes as I read it. I am so happy for you and thank you very much for posting in so much detail. This is such a big achievement for you! Congratulations. Your commentary will help so many other women dealing with the pain and anxiety of the #5 and the #6. Vibrators are a wonderful and pleasurable tool in helping women with vaginismus dilate and as an added bonus to achieve an orgasm. Thank you for taking the time to post!

[Becca]

Rachael, I have to agree with your post! 🙂 I have just a regular old vibrator that my husband and I got years ago, and when I was struggling with the #5 and *especially* with the #6, I used the vibrator and had the same experience. It immediately helped everything relax and all the sharp pains and discomfort I had been having went away. It was nice to know that it could be in there without pain, and same as what you mentioned, so refreshing to see that something could actually feel good while it was inserted. I think a lot of this (post procedure) really is about re-programming our minds after suffering SO long with such horrible pain and discomfort. Thanks for sharing your post, I am sure it will be an encouragement and help to many others! 🙂

[Dr. Pacik]

It is my patients who taught me about the benefits of using a vibrator before and during dilation. It aids in relaxing, and an orgasm is even more relaxing. I am delighted that the vibrator actually also reduced the pain of dilation which will be of great value to our many patients who are in the various stages of dilation.

[Meghan]

This was incredibly encouraging… and exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you! 🙂

[Nakitalab]

Rachael, thank you so much for sharing. I’m going to order one ASAP! I have the Lelo but for some reason I’m not comfortable using it internally. Looking at the Tango looks much more doable. Thanks again for sharing!