I feel helpless

[Hope]

Hello. I am 25 years old and i am suffering from Vaginismus. I was 19 years old when i tried having sex for the first time with my boyfriend. I just could not do it. He tried so many times but i pushed him away everytime. Long story short we ended up breaking my hymen i bled a little so we knew that i was no longer a virgin but we did not penetrate, the hymen just broke as he thrusted at the very opening of vagina (just a tip).
I was confident that now when my hymen is broken I will feel no pain in having intercourse again. We tried after a month again and i had the same problem i pushed him away. Its been 6 years and i have same problem. I discovered this is called Vaginismus when i was 22 years old.
As i searched about the treatments, i tried inserting my finger in but i could’nt even get my finger in for 1 year. In 2023 i finally got 1 finger inside i first time felt what it is inside of my vagina. But here I got confused that i was not getting any feeling of pleasure as i inserted my finger. I felt nothing. Girls do masterbate with finger and i was feeling nothing.

Last month my boyfriend booked a nice luxury hotel for me he has been supportive since the day 1 but i feel sad for him. We discussed maybe i will feel comfortable in a good atmosphere and will be able to penetrate when relaxed. That night we tried 10 times to have sex but i still could not. I could feel my boyfriend was disappointed but he still supported me. I am just sick of making him feel disappointed. Sometimes i just want to die. We both love each other madly as we are in a healthy relationship for 10 years but there is just this one thing that we are not able to achieve.

I made up my mind that i will make everything right in 1 month no matter what it takes. I ordered a vibrator dildo its 4 inches long and 3 inches in diameters. I started with a back side of toothbrush i used a lube with it and i got it fully inside in 4 seconds and i felt 0% pain it was 4-5 inches long and half inches in diameter. So it was easy for me. Next i tried my makeup brush it was a little thicker than my toothbrush. 5 inches long and 1.5 inch diameter. I got it fully inside me as well with a lube easily. After that i tried inserting the dildo but i could not insert that. I felt like my vaginal enterance is small or unable to fit a thicker size and if i forcedully pushed something will break inside of me. I felt pain i could not do it. I was disapponted. I tried using Neo-cain ointment numbing cream it works great on any part of my skin it numbs it nicely withing minutes but as i used it inside my vagina it burned so much that i had to wash it right away.
I think this cream is not for internal use maybe. I am confused are the numbing creams supposed to burn when applied on vagina or not?

Now i am stuck i dont know what to do. I feel like my vaginal opening is small it can only take 1 inch diamater inside. I am okay with the length but i am afraid of the diameters. Any thing thicker tha 1 inch wont go inside. I have made up my mind to get myself able to have sexual intercourse next month so i can feel free because its been 7 years and now i just wanna get out of it.
Please give me suggestions what can i do to achieve my goal.

[Persevere]

@Hope Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this difficult situation. I have been in the same place 3 years ago and it felt like I could never get out of it, but I did, and you will too.

What you need to do is to try progressive dilation. Please don’t jump from a 1.5 inch wide dilator to a 3 inch wide dilator. Find an intermediate size like 2 inches or 1.8 inches and when you are able to insert that easily without any pain then go to the next size like 2.2 or 2.5. You have to take small steps. The reason it hurts is because your muscles down there spasm every time you try to insert a dilator wider than 1 inch.

Regarding numbing cream, I used Lidocaine 5%. I’m not sure about the one you mentioned but lidocaine itself didn’t cause any burning but dilation did. On some days it was very painful and burned a lot. But you have to keep going. You’re training your muscles so they will ache and burn. Don’t push yourself too much. Listen to your body and take small steps.

All the best! You will get through this