Im scared out of my mind

[Hansen09]

I have posted a few times over the last few years. I have been married for almost 5 years to a very supportive husband. A few months ago I saw an OBGYN that put me on Ativan to try and help me use dialators. After trying this for 2-3 months I was only able to use the smallest 3 in the pure romance kit. It was a huge step since I was never even able to touch myself previously. Then to our surprise about 3 weeks ago we found out that I am pregnant. The stories of getting pregnant without “full” intercourse are very true. Don’t get me wrong, we are very excited but at the same time I am terrified. I can’t even have sex with my husband and now I have to push a baby out of me in about 7 months. I have already had a few hospital visits and those were horrible experiences. One doctor made me cry in front of his student. It’s embarrassing and so hard to explain my situation over and over again. I have a new OBGYN that I see tomorrow. I am hoping this one will be kind and understanding, unlike most I have seen so far. I’m crossing my fingers for me and this baby. Has this happened to anyone else?

[Heather34]

Hi Hansen09. First off, congratulations on your pregnancy. This is wonderful news. I am so sorry for what you have experienced with past Doctors and I hope and pray that your OB/GYN tomorrow will be better. Please, please let us know how it goes. A sample script to bring to the visit that may help includes:

“The pain that I am experiencing caused by vaginismus occurs only with penetration. It starts as soon as my partner attempts to insert his penis and usually, but not always, goes away after he withdraws. The pain is often burning or tearing and it feels like he’s hitting a wall. In addition, vaginismus causes extreme discomfort when inserting tampons or having an internal exam.”

Also, please see the thread: “Explaining your condition to a gynecologist” for further tips:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=579

In addition, I wanted to share an excellent final post with you too from a woman who was pregnant with vaginismus:

“I have vaginusmus too and pregnant with my second. I found a doctor that is knowledgeable about this. If you can’t I suggest to take some medical articles to the doctor. I have had biofeedback therapy to overcome this. Check if your hospital does that. My first was a c section because of the anxiety issues I was having. Insurance covered it. My doctor uses a lidocaine gel for Pap smears and they are doable. She also uses a baby speculum and let’s me insert it myself. I did all of my swabs myself. The doctor instructed me how to do it. The was no internal testing during my pregnancy, only before and after. I inserted the vaginal ultrasound thing myself. Once inside the doctor was able to direct it. There are pelvic pain clinics in most big hospitals that can help you with this. Talk to your doctor if she is not familiar with the condition.” http://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12005397/possibly-tmi-i-have-vaginismus-i-m-terrified-of-my-prenatal-appointment

Sending you hugs Hansen and please know we are all here to support you.

[KatieG07]

Wow!!! I wish I could of gotten pregnant all these years I’ve tried and my hubby couldn’t get all the way in!. I’ve had a NP. Tell me at the OB office. Oh keep trying sperm can travel even on the edge of the vagina which didn’t work for us! I can have exams and only with the pediatric tools. I can also use tampons yet takes a while but with. Very slim ones I eventually get one in! It’s tough after all the months of trying and nothing and getting my period each month sometimes late and thinking I might be pregnant but not just late prob from stress. Maybe. After my 6/9 procedure all it will take is a little dilation and my hubby will be successful sooner then later ! I’m 32 I feel my clock is ticking and I want kids so bad. It’s hard seeing family and friends go to bed dream of getting pregnant and bam waking up the next day pregnant. I’m excited for my procedure. Really not nervous at all. Most girls of here are scared and nervous me nope. If I know there is success in the end in excited and happy about it! Congratulations to you. I know you fear pushing the baby out but could you always go the route of c section?

[23years]

Hello all. I have the big V too but can relate to a lot more of what you say about conception issues as well because even though I have the big V, my DH had zero percent morphology (shape of sperm) that would not allow his spermatozoa to penetrate my egg. So we had to go through four years of infertility treatments and an embryologist had to inject my egg under microscope with my hubby’s sperm and then the embryo grew in a Petri dish before being “transferred” by catheter back into my uterus with the hopes that it would “hatch” and “implant” on my uterine wall. So not only the stigma of the V but the stigma of infertility and people getting pregnant all around you, what should come naturally, wasn’t for us. So we felt broken in our sex life and our ability to conceive as well. It’s a tough road all of this. Us women have to go through SO much. I can tell you that I forced my OBGYN to do a c-section. I was having some vascular problems at the end of my pregnancy where my a**wouldn’t stay in my a** (long story) and I went to him arguing that with this medical issue, my vaginal issues, how large I felt, I wanted one. He was taken back and probably wouldn’t have but I demanded he write a letter stating he could ENSURE 100% that my pushing a baby out of me would NOT result in a vaginal/anal tear and cause me life long problems. Well no one can ensure that so he agreed. You know, trust your gut because my daughter was born 9 days early by elective c-section and she was NINE pounds! So trust yourself and your bodies! They work for us. It’s not the other way around. Tell them to put things in writing if they don’t agree with your requests. Maybe this will work for you too but nobody should have to worry or be anxious about the big V and having a baby if they don’t have to because having a child is taxing enough! Good luck ladies and if anyone needs my help, message Janet Pacik and I give her permission to give you my contact email. Good luck!

[Dawn]

Hi, Hansen09. I have to apologize that I do not come onto this forum frequently enough. I just saw your post. I had a very severe case of vaginismus but was able to successfully overcome it due to Dr. Pacik’s amazing work. I was married for 12 years before having the procedure (with no penetration prior to procedure). Long story short, I have been cured. Don’t get me wrong. I still have to dilate before any kind of ob/gyn exam and still tend to get nervous before any kind of exam. After my procedure and once I was able to achieve full penetration (which took several months), I immediately underwent fertility treatment (I am 39). Luckily, we were successful on the first try. I will say that the thought of physically birthing a child terrified me. However, what helped me was to focus on all the positives and fun aspects of having a child such as the great gear and just reading books about all aspects baby. I knew from the start I was going to get an epidural no matter what! I was determined not to feel a thing. Once I was brave enough, I started reading about epidurals and the birth process and of course, went to birth classes offered by the hospital. And surprisingly, I started to relax about it. I focused on positive thoughts – I was going to get that epidural and would feel NOTHING while pushing. Or, I would have a c-section and feel nothing. I was going to have the PERFECT birth experience, I kept telling myself. I came to the realization that even if there were to be some pain, it would pass, just like anything else. Unfortunately, once we go into labor, we lose control over our bodies. No matter what, that baby is going to come out and your body is going to handle it. Our bodies CAN handle it, no matter what. Again, this is what I kept saying to myself. Now I’m not one of those people who has ever told anyone about my vaginismus. However, I will say that anyone who is or has been pregnant will tell you how they too, are/were scared to death of the birthing process. So talking to others also helped me realize it’s not just me, it’s not just about the vaginismus. My son was born in 2013 via c-section (unplanned). So I suppose I was “lucky” in a sense. But I will tell you I was shocked to find that once I went into labor, I did not panick. I did not fear the pushing. I still did not think I would feel pain. I was convinced it would all work out. Now, this took a lot of convincing over the 9 months. But I do think you are capable and can do it. Trust me when I say it. And if you have to, keep changing docs until you find someone who either understands your situation or can sympathize with you. It helps to go to an ob with a good bedside manner. I know it’s tough. I’m still not exactly thrilled with the entire practice I go to, but there are 2 or 3 docs I have had decent experiences with at the practice. I actually found a phenomenal doc I really liked prior to pregnancy and unfortunately switched from her practice only due to the fact she did not deliver at my preferred hospital. The only other thing I might suggest is sharing what state you reside in and maybe by chance, someone on here may happen to live in the same area and can suggest a great doc. You never know. I know you posted this awhile back, so I hope you see this. I wish you luck and know that we have all been there. You can do this, I promise. Keep looking for the right doc, he/she is out there. If you have any questions or want to talk/rant about pregnancy or whatever, please feel free to ask! Again, good luck! You will be great!

[Hansen09]

I am now 25 Weeks pregnant and things have started to get better up until this point. I have tried my best to focus on this baby (healthy boy). I found a doctor who has heard of this before. She didn’t even try to do an exam when I went for my first appointment and put all of my worries at ease. Recently, I had some contractions and some lower pelvic pain so they are doing tests now. Its still way too early to have him so they will be doing an ultrasound to check my cervical length. From what I researched myself it needs to be done transvaginal and the last time this was attempted it was not successful. Its so hard to deal with the looks and even the comments from professionals that I need to just understand me. I had to give a q-tip sample to test for a certain hormones that the baby releases before delivery…just to see if he is trying to come early. I did my best to focus on a picture in the room and go to different place in my mind but it was still painful. I want so badly to be a “normal” pregnant woman but it is so hard to overcome this. I cried and felt like passing out after just doing that when my doctor asked me if she could do a finger exam to check on things. The room felt hot, my vision was spotty, and my hearing was even starting to go. I knew I would pass out so I refused the exam. I feel guilty that I can’t even do what is needed for my baby. My doctor is trying to be understanding but at the same time I don’t feel like her or anyone else I have seen in the past ever “really” understands. I’m scared to have this baby but ultimately I know my body will do what it needs to, modern medicine will come to my rescue, or a c-section will help me through this. My husband has been so supportive and I don’t know how I would do this without him. He stands up for me when I am scared and too afraid to open up about all of this. Thank you for all the replies. I hope that everything goes smoothly and be able to have a story to tell about how I got through all of this.

[Heather34]

Hi Hansen. I am praying for you and just know that everything is going to go so, so well. Sending you prayers, positive thoughts, and hugs!!!