Is this my fault?

[Egg123]

I’m dealing with a complex issue involving vaginismus and urethral sensitivity, and I’d really appreciate any advice or shared experiences from the community.

**Background:**
I began treatment for vaginismus using a set of 4 plastic dilators as recommended by my physiotherapist. I didn’t research into different types of dilators as I trusted my healthcare provider. Initially, I progressed well until I reached the largest size (fourth dilator), which unexpectedly caused pressure on my urethra. I continued with this size thinking it was normal muscle discomfort and that it would resolve with persistent dilation. It was 4/10 pain and my PT said 3-4/10 was fine with dilating so I thought it was normal. In hindsight I definitely overdid it before I realized something was wrong and then stopped. For context I had no pain at all with the smaller dilators so I didn’t really have any context as to what dilation discomfort should feel like except for pain I’ve had with intercourse.

**Complications:**
After experiencing consistent pain, I consulted my GP who suspected a soft tissue injury. The pain subsided after two weeks, and I cautiously resumed dilation with smaller sizes. Unfortunately, the pain returned, leading to a cycle of pain that would temporarily disappear and then reappear with even the smallest thing aggravating it. This ongoing issue led me back to my physiotherapist who, after an internal release session, suggested that the problem might involve a muscle reaction. The pain went away but eventually came back with dilating, and my PT has come to the conclusion that it’s a nervous system problem.

**Current Situation:**
Despite interventions, I continue to experience chronic urethral pain. I’m currently seeing a pain specialist and have started medication. Looking back, I regret not stopping dilation sooner and wonder if clearer communication with my healthcare providers or earlier intervention might have prevented the chronic aspect of my condition. I feel like I should’ve seen my PT straight away after it happened and been more clear about it specifically hurting the urethra. I feel like I just kinda got swept into her hypothesis that it was the muscles tensing up. It was about 5 weeks of on and off pain and my GP’s advice that made me go back to my PT. I was told by a different doctor to just wait it out and stupidly I thought I should cancel my PT appointment because I didn’t want it to get worse with internal work from her. I feel like my actions all culminated into this one big issue I have now that I could’ve avoided if I wasn’t so stupid. I feel a mixture of frustration and guilt about how I managed the early signs.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Egg123 – I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you and continues to provide so much pain and discomfort. I hope you won’t blame yourself too much because part of what makes vaginismus so difficult for the people who experience it is that certain types of discomfort are part of the treatment, and it’s unusually difficult to describe the type of pain you’re experiencing to someone else or know for sure if what you’re hearing about is what you’re feeling. You couldn’t have known the soft tissue damage would happen and it’s unfortunate that your medical team wasn’t more helpful. Your feelings of frustration are valid. I hope your current treatment strategies work and that you feel better soon!

[Egg123]

Most of the people treating me don’t think it’s a soft tissue injury, but that I might have had a pre-existing sensitivity and had an unusual reaction. I feel like if I had figured out something was wrong sooner maybe I could’ve prevented the pain from becoming chronic. I just kept dilating thinking I was doing the right thing. I had no pain with any of the smaller dilators so I had nothing to compare it to. Maybe we could’ve switched to a smaller dilator or a silicone one if I had figured out earlier what was wrong or described better what had happened.

I keep asking my physiotherapist and she doesn’t think I resumed dilation to soon after my pain went away at first, but maybe if I had waited longer or seen my physiotherapist sooner it could’ve been prevented. I also think that the last time it aggravated I should have been more careful and seen my physiotherapist because she told me to use the second then third dilator in the same session which was fine but a few days later the second one was a little more uncomfortable but I used the third anyway not thinking anything was wrong. This made my pain come back for good. I think if I had seen my physiotherapist or not used the third dilator again maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t think anything was wrong because I had successfully used the third dilator a few days earlier I feel like all my decisions were bad 🙁