Is this my fault?

[Egg123]

I’m dealing with a complex issue involving vaginismus and urethral sensitivity, and I’d really appreciate any advice or shared experiences from the community.

**Background:**
I began treatment for vaginismus using a set of 4 plastic dilators as recommended by my physiotherapist. I didn’t research into different types of dilators as I trusted my healthcare provider. Initially, I progressed well until I reached the largest size (fourth dilator), which unexpectedly caused pressure on my urethra. I continued with this size thinking it was normal muscle discomfort and that it would resolve with persistent dilation. It was 4/10 pain and my PT said 3-4/10 was fine with dilating so I thought it was normal. In hindsight I definitely overdid it before I realized something was wrong and then stopped. For context I had no pain at all with the smaller dilators so I didn’t really have any context as to what dilation discomfort should feel like except for pain I’ve had with intercourse.

**Complications:**
After experiencing consistent pain, I consulted my GP who suspected a soft tissue injury. The pain subsided after two weeks, and I cautiously resumed dilation with smaller sizes. Unfortunately, the pain returned, leading to a cycle of pain that would temporarily disappear and then reappear with even the smallest thing aggravating it. This ongoing issue led me back to my physiotherapist who, after an internal release session, suggested that the problem might involve a muscle reaction. The pain went away but eventually came back with dilating, and my PT has come to the conclusion that it’s a nervous system problem. Once the pain had gone away, I returned to the second dilator out of four at my PTs request. Then after a week, she said to increase to the third dilator and to use the second and then the third in the same session if I was nervous. I did that once and it was fine. I did it a few days later and the second dilator was slightly more uncomfortable. And I had just done the third dilator a few days prior so I don’t know I didn’t think anything of it and went to the third which caused instant pain. Prior to this none of the smaller dilators had ever caused pain with insertion.

**Current Situation:**
Despite interventions, I continue to experience chronic urethral pain. I’m currently seeing a pain specialist and have started medication. Looking back, I regret not stopping dilation sooner and wonder if clearer communication with my healthcare providers or earlier intervention might have prevented the chronic aspect of my condition. I feel like I should’ve seen my PT straight away after it happened and been more clear about it specifically hurting the urethra. I feel like I just kinda got swept into her hypothesis that it was the muscles tensing up. It was about 5 weeks of on and off pain and my GP’s advice that made me go back to my PT. I was told by a different doctor to just wait it out and stupidly I thought I should cancel my PT appointment because I didn’t want it to get worse with internal work from her. I feel like my actions all culminated into this one big issue I have now that I could’ve avoided if I wasn’t so stupid. I feel a mixture of frustration and guilt about how I managed the early signs.