Its Mechanical now ..

[subodhw]

Hi,
I am a guy with vaginismus partner. To start with, i love my wife she is a wonderful person and she loves me a lot. All this started after our marriage after we dated for some time. We got to know about her situation on our marriage night, i was hitting on a wall and felt confused if i was not doing something right. On the honeymoon we did t have sex and whenever i tried she cried in pain. I was broken, hurt, angry and felt rejected. I started reading online and got to know about vaginismus, purchased dialotors and started exercising. We went on doing this for couple of months my wife never showed intrest i had to perform the excercises on her mulyself as she wouldnt do her herselt. I was even more broken doing dualators excericese on my wife and thought what i was doing in my life. I fell into depression but i continued. I took her to gynac who suggested operation, we did the operation. we tried after a month she is in severe pain. After the dialators i was able to go in but she screamed as if it was a knife. She started hating it and i can understand why. We have intercourse once a month now which is full of pain and anxiety for her and she hates it. even when we do it its only one sided, she has no intrest or fun and i feel its mostly mechanical. There is no intimacy or fun left, its just an painful errand now for which she has to do once a month and get over with it. I have been devasted in the whole long process. There is no place for passion and intimacy. She too has been through a lot of frustration and is now fed up of my complaining. Theres a huge emotional gap between us which i believe that cannot be filled ever. Please help.

[recessivegenequeen]

Subodhw – I’m so sorry for all that you and your wife have been through. As someone who had vaginismus for 10 years, I don’t have to imagine the stress and disappointment this has inflicted on your marriage and on you personally.

For your wife to be treated for vaginismus, she has to WANT to be treated. She has to want to reclaim this normalcy and to build a better sex life with you. This is the hardest part, but it doesn’t work without her desire to improve because it’s such a psychological problem. You can’t push someone with vaginismus up a mountain; they have to climb. That being said, the first thing you can do is to show your wife these forums or the Maze website and have her read about treatment options so that she sees what options are open to her. A lot of people with vaginismus believe that there’s no alternative, and it can take time to adjust to the idea that her whole life doesn’t have to be this way, but knowing the possibility exists can make someone more open to the idea of treatment.

Another thing I would suggest is that you stop having this painful, mechanical, errand-like sex once a month. I’m sure it feels like something you’re doing so your sex life doesn’t disappear entirely, but in reality it’s probably widening the emotional gap between you since you know it makes your wife so miserable and it’s likely continuing her association between sex and pain/anxiety/feelings of inadequacy. Instead, try to reclaim some of the actual pleasure of intimacy, even if that means stepping all the way back to the beginning. Do things you BOTH like, even if that’s just kissing or massages or oral sex or whatever that looks like. Embracing the possibility of having pain-free penetrative sex means inviting in new kinds of intimacy, which is a feeling you can start building now, even before your wife explores treatment options. I believe you can bridge this gap that’s come between you, but it will take patience and time. Good luck and know that there are people here supporting you if you ever have questions or need help. You can do this!