Just recently diagnosed with Vaginismus

[MerryBerry]

Hi Everyone.
Got married a few years ago but we didnt try to consume our marriage. It was mainly because I was scared of this whole process. I have never really liked the idea of having sex. I enjoy cuddling with my husband but that is all.
There is no prior abuse/harrassment background that has caused this. It may be because i always disliked the fact how a woman is always objectified and these basic issue with how any abusive word starts with this thing that might have caused me to drift away from this thought.
So two months ago, after my family’s immense pressure of not having a baby after 4 years of marriage, was when I told my husband that I was ready.
He is supper supportive. Very nice and very humble. he has always prioritised my needs above his. After we decided to do it, my husband told me to lets insert a finger first so that im more comfortable with the idea.
The following day, we inserted a finger. Initially it wasnt going in. it hurt alot. So we stopped. and I cried because of this failed attempt.
2 days later we tried with the finger again after reading about it online that foreplay is important.
I’m in may late 20’s and I still dont know what feels good to my body. I dont normally find any sensation on my boobs. they only thing that feels good is when he rubs me down there. So the whole process of foreplay also didnt help in arousing me. but when he tried, first finger went in smoothly. We kept it inside for some time and then removed it. later we tried inserting the penis but it didnt do in at all. couldnt even enter the whole it was outside the whole time even when he was pushing it.
This actually gave me a scare and a mental breakdown. I consulted with a doctor and she told me its vaginismus. and since my country doesnt have dilators, she told me use candles.
This idea didnt sit well with me and I thought to continue inserting fingers.
the next attempt was 1 day later when my husband could successfully insert one finger. then i asked him to add another one.
the second finger could go in about two inches in depth when i felt huge pressure on my pee area. almost like that place will burst, I asked him to take it out. and when he did, there was some blood. which kind of scared my husband and he told me to first consult a doctor.
After that i booked another appointment with another gynac and she also says its vaginismus. She told me to be relax be calm and just do it. she was very sweet she listened to everything for an hour. That is when i realised that telling this to someone actually helps me relax.
Then I had my periods. After my periods ended, yesterday me and my husband tried again.
When he inserted the finger, it hurt. not as much as the first time but it did hurt. after keeping it inside for 5mins, it slowly began to hurt less.
Then we decided to again penetrate with his penis. He tried to insert it in. it didnt go. I;m not sure now why it didnt go inside at all. maybe that we are using too much lube thats sliding it away from the whole.
i felt that very small part of the tip actually went inside. but like 1cm only. but when he would try to pressure it inside, it would come out and slide upwards.
after this, i inserted two of my fingers immediately . and the went in 2inches. the didnt go in further it felt like there is no space for them to go in.
and then we stopped trying.
I dont know if its vaginismus or what. but why me? why when every other woman around me is enjoying it, can go it in one go, then why cant I do it? this thought is killing me inside and the fact that my husband is the most sweetest person and he is unable to feel the pleasure.

[moonismine]

Hey! Same boat here. 5 years in and still have not managed to get over the vaginismus problem.

We went to a sexologist who is an expert in these issues. Gynaes are not specialists and they don’t really know what to do with us, especially if it is not life-threatening.

Went for 6 – 7 sessions of the physiotherapy about 3 years ago where the clinician taught me how to stretch my pelvis area for 15 – 20 mins and then carefully insert my finger in carefully. 1 finger first then 2nd finger. We were supposed to do it ourselves without our husbands so we get comfortable with our own body. No dilators needed.

But we got busy and I didn’t follow-up. So we’re still stuck. No plans on having kids.

My other friend who had it already had a kid. The act of giving birth might help loosen the muscles down there perhaps. I think if you really want a kid, there are many ways to be impregnated without having a penis inserted in you. E.g. use an apparatus to collect the semen then have it inserted in you at a fertility clinic.

That being said, low libido and not having happy-hormones inducing sex can be a marriage killer when you are childless, let alone with a child in the future. So think carefully.

[MerryBerry]

Hi Moonismine,
Do you advice going to a sexologist for this would help with the problem? I’m from Pakistan and its really hard to find one here. and I think the fertility clinics here donot offer treatments other than IVF.
The first doctor I consulted with, was apparently the only female sexologist in my country and it was a virtual checkup since she live half way across the country. she did recommend me something called Vaginal Botox. The word scared me as I thought this would lead to some sort of disability.

Now I’m seriously thinking to visit her in person, and share my concerns with her. Maybe she can advice me better. A part of me really wants to do the intercourse as well because I think its a failure on my end when every other woman can easily achieve it. I thought obeying parents, getting good grades and getting a good job was all that was counted as a success untill I faced this issue. Now I feel like I have achieved nothing in my life and everything I have doesnt matter when I cant do this basic thing.

[MerryBerry]

If I summarise the issues i’m facing is:
1) Penetrative sex is completely impossible because the vaginal opening is not stretching/expanding to accommodate it.
2) 1 finger goes in smoothly for 4 inches. Two fingers cant go in further than 2-3 inches and it gives a stinging like feeling down there with small amount of blood.

I dont know where to go from here.

[moonismine]

Hi,

To be honest, I think she can’t do much if you can’t do a frequent or monthly visit for the physical therapy.

Don’t blame yourself too much, it won’t help with anything. Some people have get good grades and make their parents proud and they have cancer young. It’s really no one’s fault.

The pelvic floor muscles need to be stretched regularly. If you’re serious about it, you can ask the sexologist to guide you on how to stretch it through exercises that she can show you via a Zoom call and you HAVE to do it everyday for 5 – 30 mins until your body and mind is used to having something in it (it will take weeks and months).

Visiting my sexologist regularly didn’t do much for me because I was not consistent in my exercises. I stopped going.

Botox does not cause disability. It contains a compound that somewhat disables your body from feeling or controlling the muscle so hopefully a penis might be able to enter without causing you pain. Some people get botox on their back muscles to relief back pain. You must not think of it as the same as the aesthetic procedure people use to remove wrinkles. It is also temporary so it might be a quick fix to consummate your marriage but not helpful to enjoy sex in the long run.

[Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-C]

Hi MerryBerry, I’m so sorry you are going through all of this, but glad you found this forum for some support. Here at MAZE, we treat vaginismus regularly. There are a few options we recommend based on a patients situation. Home dilator therapy can be very effective, working through a series of graduated dilators and gradually progressing up to the size of a penis. But we generally find patients do need a support from a provider going through this process. You mention not being able to get dilators in your country. They are sold through the mail, is that not a possibility as well?
In addition to dilators, we sometimes use vaginal valium to help relax those muscles.
We do offer the botox procedure here as well. For patients out of town and unavailable for frequent follow ups, that tends to be a really good option. We do the pre and post procedure visits online, so you just have to be in person for the procedure and the follow up the next day. It is a very safe procedure where we inject botox into those vaginal muscles while under anesthesia, as well as some numbing medicine. We do the initial dilation under anesthesia as well, and then work with you with the dilators after you wake up. It has a very high success rate.
Please feel free to ask me any questions, or call the office if you have any further questions about the procedure.