Lost hope

[bosox2004]

Hello All,

I am new to this site but know I am in desperate need of some support, advice, and encouragement.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We both grew up in strict, Christian homes and were taught that you wait until marriage for sex. We did wait; imagine our hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration, shock, disbelief, and a wide range of other emotions when we couldn’t have sex! Thus began the beginning of this nightmare.

As soon as I returned from our discouraging honeymoon (we were so bored that we actually watched MOVIES on our honeymoon – really??? who does that??!!), I went to my gyn for help. The first thing I had was a hymenectomy which didn’t work; had my ovary removed because there was a cyst that I was told may be causing pelvic pain; tried numbing cream and every other sort of cream out there; Valium suppositories that weren’t covered by insurance and and could only be bought at an apothecary (we ended up not buying them); dilators that hurt and weren’t flexible at all; physical therapy with biofeed which made me feel violated; relaxation techniques; and a slew of other things that DID NOT WORK. It also does NOT help that I am very small (5′) and my husband is big (6’4″); I worry that I’m too small down there because he is HUGE.

My husband and I recently moved from 1500 miles away from our friends and families and have had a chance to really sit and talk about this condition. For 5 years we have put on a front and tried to pretend we were happy and we’re tired. We just want to be free from this huge weight and be normal. We have for the first time in our relationship talked about divorce which just breaks my heart. However, there is no denying that this disease has impacted EVERY area of our lives and it feels like there’s nothing left. We are emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, psychology drained and don’t know if our marriage can be saved.

I have my consultation with Dr. Pacik on 18 November and as much as I want to be hopeful, I find I just can’t! I have had too many disappointments and I just don’t know if this will work! Hubby is EXTREMELY skeptical and almost doesn’t want anything to do with this treatment.

I have the below questions for anyone who has been through this procedure:

1. What if this doesn’t work and hubby is still too big and I’m still too small?
2. What if this DOES work but there’s no spark/emotional connection left and we end up divorcing anyway because hubby decides he still can’t handle this anymore?
3. What are the side effects of Botox treatment?
4. What if this DOES work for me physically but I can’t get past the mental issues I have that have been caused by this?
5. What if the dilating/stretching takes forever and we get frustrated and quit?
6. Did this help heal your marriage in every area?
7. Were you able to go on and have kids?

Another thing I struggle with is the spiritual side of all this; prior to this, my faith was very important to me and I truly wanted to live for God. Since I truly believed that the Bible taught you wait for marriage for sex, I can’t understand why He wouldn’t bless us with this. Sex is a very important part of a marriage and a sexless marriage takes it toll after a while. I can’t help but feel let down, betrayed, angry, hurt, and a wide range of other emotions with God right now; I know these are not right emotions to have but it’s so hard NOT to when you have done everything you were taught to do and then you sort of get screwed. I have prayed and cried more about this than anything else in my life and I have never received help from Him. We spoke with our pastor this weekend and he seems confident that God will heal me. I so badly want to believe that God can do ANYTHING including healing me and saving my marriage but I’m really struggling right now. Did anyone ever feel these emotions and the below:

1. Did you ever come to understand why God made you go through this?
2. Was there ever a moment when you knew God was going to heal you and your marriage?

As you can see, I’m at a pretty low point right now and need any help/encouragement I can get right now. Our families know nothing about this struggle and we’re not comfortable right now talking to them; however, they will be completely devastated and shocked if we split up. I know we need to focus on our happiness and not their happiness but it still plays a part in our decision.

Thank you for reading this and “listening”.

All the best to everyone else battling this horrific, painful problem. I hope and pray that all of you find healing too and that your marriages survive these painful, hard times.

[kelseroo]

I can definitely understand how you feel- My husband and I watched a ton of movies on our honeymoon too;-) I was also brought up in a religious household and waited until marriage for sex. There are a few things that have really helped me when it comes to the spiritual side of this. These verses helped me to see that

1)God NEVER causes wicked or unjust things:
James 1:13: When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.”
Job 34:10: “So listen to me, you men of understanding: It is unthinkable for the true God to act wickedly, For the Almighty to do wrong!”

2)This did not happen because of anything that you or I did wrong.
Ecclesiastes 9:11: “The swift do not always win the race, nor do the mighty win the battle, nor do the wise always have the food, nor do the intelligent always have the riches, not do those with knowledge always have the success, because time and unexpected events overtake them all.”

3) God may not completely remove our trials, but he can give us the strength to endure them:
1Corinthians 10:13: “For God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” (I like to replace the word “temptation” with the word “trial”)

4) God cares for us and will help us.
1Peter 5:7: “While you throw all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you.”
Psalms 34:18: “Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

I hope that helps you, don’t give up!

[Nakitalab]

Hi bosox2004, I am so very sorry for all that you have gone through. I can totally relate to many of your feelings. I was raised in a Christian home as well. I am 53 years old and suffered with Vaginismus since I was a teenager trying to use a tampon. I have been married over 32 years and had the treatment a year ago this month. For the first 15 years of our marriage I was not able to have penetration. It was extremely painful both physically and mentally. I couldn’t understand why God was punishing me. I felt so undeserving of my husband and many times I told him that he should just leave me (even though that was the last thing I wanted him to do). We decided that I needed to find a different GYN, that there had to be a solution to this. I had a episiotomy and scar tissue was removed as well and was sent home with dilators. I was scared to death of the dilators and tried to use them with minimal success. The episiotomy did seem to help a little bit but having intercourse was extremely excruciating. Using lidocaine helped a little but it was still extremely painful. My poor husband felt like he was raping me every time. It was awful. Of course my libido went out the window as well. I suffered with depression for many years. But stumbling across Dr. Pacik’s website and this Forum last year was a huge blessing. I couldn’t believe that others suffered the very same thing that I did. It was heartbreaking but at the same time I felt like I wasn’t all alone anymore in my suffering. Even though I had a gut feeling this probably wouldn’t help me since I suffered with it for so long, I did feel a little bit of hope for the first time in a very long time. I had my procedure a year ago this month and am happy to say that I am able to make love to my husband with no pain. I still can’t believe it. And I promise you, it can happen for you too. I followed Dr. Pacik’s dilation program of dilating twice a day for an hour and sleeping with the small sized one every other night. Now, I only dilate when I go in for a GYN appointment and right before intercourse (which I do for confidence as I still have a lot of mind stuff to work on). My biggest challenge is getting my mind to catch up with my body as Dr. Pacik would say. Because I suffered with Vaginismus for so long its going to take a little bit more time for this ole gal, but I’m not giving up. My confidence and self-worth have increased so much. My libido is getting better with the help of “aids”. I truly believe that God has us go through challenges in life so that we can help someone else someday who is suffering with the same or similar situation. I no longer am mad at God. Although I didn’t understand His plan for me, I do know that I want to be there for anyone who suffers with Vaginismus. I don’t want anyone to go another day thinking they are alone in their journey to be free of Vaginismus and that they can have hope again.. My heart breaks when I read each one’s story and I just want to come through the computer and hug them (you), console them (you) and assure them (you) that you can be free of Vaginismus. I so love the verses that kelseroo posted. I am here for you bosox2004. You are in my prayers! Please let me know if you have any questions or if you just want to talk, I’m here for you!

[Becca]

Hi Bosox — First of all I want you to know that I completely relate to your story and your feelings. My husband and I also waited until we were married to have sex and it has been an incredibly frustrating and disappointing thing for us. 🙁 I have also wrestled with why God would allow us to suffer this way, and how he could allow it to continue for SO long. Reading your story, made me want to tell you a little more about my life.

From the time I was born until I was almost 20 years old I suffered from extreme, chronic constipation. It was so bad that I had to go to the hospital for it multiple times. I constantly felt sick, had a horrible immune system and was physically, miserable all the time. My parents did not do much to help me other than give me enemas, stool softeners, and laxatives – stuff like that – none of which really did much for my body. Thinking about all of it now still makes me cry, it was just so miserable. I remember countless times laying in bed awake at night, crying, thinking that I was going to die from being so sick and asking God over and over again to heal my body and take this away. Years, I spent crying and asking God to heal me. I lived in fear every day that I was going to die because I knew how sick I was and my parents (and my doctor!) didn’t seem to think it was big deal. They didn’t think I was really as sick as I was. I used to always tell myself, I just knew, if I hadn’t gotten real help for it by the time I was 20 years old I just had this feeling I was going to die from it. I finally found a GI doctor that would really help me five months before my 20th birthday, and she said I had the worst constipation she had ever seen. Thankfully, I was finally able to get diagnosed with what was wrong and get on the proper medication to help me. God FINALLY answered my prayers, it only took 20 years of being sick and miserable. I remember when I was young and suffering, so distraught that God wouldn’t help me, I couldn’t understand at all what good could come from it. I couldn’t see it when I was in it. But looking back now, God has used that suffering for so much good in my life. I KNOW He allowed it to happen for a purpose. I wouldn’t have the faith I do now if I hadn’t spent so many years crying out to Him, depending on Him. I know that He has used that in my life so that I could encourage others, so that I could help others through similar problems. I have known a few friends whose babies had really bad constipation problems – and because of *my* story they fought for their babies and made sure to get them the help they needed so they wouldn’t suffer the way I had.

I tell you all of that to tell you, God can use your story too. All of us, we all have our own stories of our journey and our struggles – and He can use it, and He will. It is so hard to see when we are in the middle of the struggle, to understand how could a compassionate, loving God allow me to be so miserable? Look at the story of Joseph – how his brothers sold him into slavery, and yes, he did have many years of suffering, but in the end God used him for an amazing purpose and turned his suffering into something good. (Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.)

There is a passage I love, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4,8-10

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God…..We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.”

Anyways, I hope that is an encouragement to you Bosox, know that we are all sharing this similar struggle and we can all fight through it together!

I am praying for you! *hugs*