Making the switch

[sunnysonya]

I’m a vaginismus patient and I’ve been following therapy for almost a year and a half. My pelvic floor therapist thinks I can start trying to have sex next month, which is good news after all the effort I’ve put into dilating.

Just like me, my partner never had sex – I mean sex with penetration – in his entire life. So we’ll be doing it for the first time next month. Which BTW sounds crazy after being together for over three years!

My therapist warned me that often males who start having sex on a later age run into some problems. They are used to a certain type of (manual) stimulation to reach an orgasm, which feels totally different when compared to vaginal stimulation. As a result, they can have penetrative sex, but they will never reach a climax (or when they do, it takes a lot of effort or time).

What I’d like to know is if there are ways to help making the transition from manual to vaginal stimulation easier. Are there certain things we can already start doing now? Any tips and tricks from the pro’s here on the board?

[mark2021]

I hope you don’t mind I’m giving you a male perspective on this?

What your therapist told you is correct – a large percentage of men will have issues ejaculating from vaginal contact if they never had this kind of stimulation before.

You can un-learn that though (I’m not even sure if this is even a correct English word). The key is to let him to stop masturbation completely, and to stop stimulating him manually/orally as well. So he basically can’t have an orgasm anymore for a while. Nothing. No exception. You can already start doing that now. He’ll probably get a few nocturnal emissions, but that’s okay, that’s his body getting rid of the excess semen.

When he’s allowed to penetrate you, ONLY do that, so still no masturbation or stimulation. Even if he can’t finish because he gets too tired or has troubles keeping his erection, DON’T stimulate him to an orgasm. Wait a few hours and try to have sex again, or do another attempt the day after.

You will see that his body will start to make the switch in a few weeks. The more you try, the easier it will be for your partner to ejaculate from vaginal stimulation. It’s important your partner doesn’t resume masturbating for at least a few months though. Good luck!

[sunnysonya]

Thank you Mark. Much appreciated. I’ve talked it over with my partner, and I’ve shown him your reply. He is willing to give it a try!

[expatient]

I’ve been reading along here for a few weeks and I’ve finally found an excuse to create an account on the forum 🙂

I’m an ex-vaginismus patient (well… not sure if I really am, since I’m still struggling from time to time).

If there is ONE thing I would tell vaginismus patients, THIS is it. Me and my partner were totally unprepared to tackle the (male) issues that arise when you’re finally able to start having sex. After reading what other women wrote about their experiences, I know we were not the only ones, but boy, patients need to be BETTER informed on this!

I’m not sure why this is not common knowledge. At least, I never heard about it before. Basically it boils down to the fact that guys get used to manual stimulation to reach an orgasm, and after a few years this becomes the ONLY way they can have a climax. They are so used to this type of stimulation they can’t come in other ways. This is exactly what happens when you’ve got a partner who never had sex before (as it was in our case).

When I had sex with my partner he couldn’t come and lost his erection while we were having sex. I remember thinking it was all my fault, that I wasn’t “sexy” enough and more of that nonsense. We went to a sexologist, who quickly realized what was going on. He had the same advice as most of you have written here: we had to stop manual stimulation (and masturbation) immediately. The only way he was allowed to have an orgasm was through vaginal intercourse. Which of course didn’t work the first few weeks. Another vaginismus patient I met online gave me the tip to wear panties, and slide the panty to the side before you start having sex. This gives a bit of extra stimulation on the base of the penis. After a month, my partner was able to have his first orgasm and this really caused a mental switch to be flipped! During the following weeks, we were able to have sex without my underwear and things started to work out fine.

Not sure why I’m writing all this, my partner would kill me if he knew 🙂 But I’m (still) really disappointed my therapist didn’t tell me this could happen once I started having sex.

[recessivegenequeen]

Thanks so much for sharing your advice, mark2021! I definitely had this same issue when me and my partner were finally able to have intercourse – he just wasn’t used to the sensation and couldn’t have an orgasm without using his hand to finish himself. The fix for us was just the same – my partner stopped masturbating and before too long he relearned stimulation through vaginal intercourse. I hope it helps that so many of us have had the same issue and the same solution!

[sunnysonya]

@recessivegenequeen Thanks for your support. May I ask how long he abstained and if he resumed masturbation again after he was able to have an orgasm during penetration?

[recessivegenequeen]

Of course! I think it took him two or three weeks of abstaining completely for him to be able to orgasm from intercourse, but I noticed a difference very quickly just when he stopped masturbating in terms of his engagement in sex. He had just gotten SUPER accustomed to his own extremely firm grip to orgasm so once he deprived himself of that, he started to be able to respond to other sensations. He eventually started masturbating occasionally, but less frequently, and would try not to masturbate if we were planning to have sex later that day.

[sammy2021]

I ran into the exact same issue with my boyfriend, who had no sexual experience when I ended my therapy. I must say that it didn’t want as smooth as in @recessivegenequeen’s experience. I think he abstained for 3 or 4 months before he finally was able to have an ejaculation inside of me. We got the advice from our sexologist and he told us it usually takes several months, so I guess you were lucky 🙂 What did the trick at the end was lots and lots of foreplay and teasing. Once he was able to come inside of me for the first time, it became a lot easier for him.

[sammy2021]

Checking in to see how it’s going with @sunnysonya and her partner.

[recessivegenequeen]

Sammy2021, I think we definitely did get lucky – and it may have been a few more weeks than I remember, it was awhile ago now. But it was definitely not more than 6-8 weeks i think, there was a distinct feeling of a breakthrough once he actually stopped masturbating in the same way he was used to. I think it also depends for the man how much psychological baggage he’s carrying around about not being able to orgasm. I was lucky in that my partner was very optimistic and willing to try things without too much shame. It’s different for everyone but necessary for so many partnerships where the female partner has been dealing with vaginismus!

Yes SunnySonya, I hope you’re doing well! Please feel free to share or ask any questions you have.

[sunnysonya]

Thanks for asking! That’s very sweet of you guys. My partner is currently still abstaining from masturbation and we’re hoping to start trying to have sex in a week or two.

[recessivegenequeen]

Glad to hear it Sonya! I hope all goes well!