May Newsletter: The Mixed Emotions of Mothers Day

[Nakitalab]

Hi ladies. Difficult emotions can rise during this time of year. The May Newsletter is now available and the topic this month is Coping with Mother’s Day and Infertility (referenced on the website at:)

http://us3.campaign-archive1.com/?u=1dd4a9a73c9f83aac77198b21&id=92a1c707fe&e=c214ca335b

For many of us Mother’s Day is the hardest day of all when we suffer from infertility. For me it definitely was. Last year I posted the following. I hope by sharing it again and by reading this month’s newsletter (referenced above) it will bring some comfort to those of you who are struggling with getting pregnant and/or infertility.

Mother’s Day was the hardest day of the year for me when we were struggling with infertility. Going to church was especially hard as they handed out flowers to Mothers and the sermon was all about being a Mom. I remember thinking how unfair it was that my husband and I could not conceive yet there were thousands of unwanted pregnancies every year. And what about all the children in the world who have parents who don’t love them and abuse them both physically and mentally. Why were they allowed to have children when loving couples like my husband and I who wanted so desperately to have a baby and could provide a loving home be denied what everyone else takes for granted. I remember that I had studied everything there was to know about conception and when someone I knew became pregnant I would think…do they really know what a miracle it was that they were able to become pregnant? The average person has no idea what a miracle it truly is for everything to be lined up perfectly in order for that magical moment when conception takes place. Something I learned is that you need to take care of yourself and honor your feelings….especially on Mother’s Day. If it is too hard and painful for you to go to church on that day, please don’t go. God totally understands what you are feeling and going through. He is not keeping score as to whether or not you attended church on Sunday. Pamper yourself on Mother’s Day instead. If you feel like staying in your pjs all day and watch movies…do it. If you want to be in the outdoors and enjoy nature, do it. If you want to go out to a fancy dinner and celebrate your relationship with your significant other…do it. Most importantly take care of YOU. Everything you are feeling is real and valid and its ok to not do things that will only cause you more hurt feelings. Please take care of YOU this coming weekend. My heart goes out to every woman who is going through this. Please know that I am here for you. Let your feelings out. You can share with me and others who are going through this here on the Forum. You are not alone. Please honor your feelings this weekend and do something that will make you feel good about you. Sending you lots of love and support.

If you did not receive the newsletter and would like to be added to the mailing list for the VaginismusMD Monthly Newsletter, please sign up on the VaginismusMD home page http://www.vaginismusmd.com.

[Janet Pacik]

Thank you so much for sharing this again this year. This is such an important message. We feel the pain of our patients when they have gone through the Botox treatment program and still cannot conceive. All your advice is so valuable — thank you so much!

[KatieG07]

I really liked reading this. I feel sometimes with all my coworkers and friends announcing their pregnant and posting baby pictures on Facebook can be hard for us. My goal once I have treatment is to hopefully start trying and get pregnant sooner then later. I hope I don’t then go down the path of having more infertility issues. Mother’s Day can be hard for me but I like to celebrate those great moms in my life. (My mom, sister who has 3 kids and is an amazing mom, my mother in law and husbands 2 Grammies & friends) Its also my husbands birthday so that helps too. It can be hard for us ladies who have dealt with Vaginismus for so long. I do have my days where it is hard. I have 4 friends expecting this year and whenever I see them post online their excitement or talk about baby this baby that I get sad. I always have this voice in the back of my head saying that I caused this vaginismus issues for my husband and I it’s my fault. And I know I shouldn’t think this way. We are going to fix this and get through it together. He’s a great guy for sticking with me through it all. I actually am attending my best friends baby shower on Sunday. I’m really excited for her as she felt with infertility issues in the past. I’ll admit when she told me she was expecting i ran into the bathroom and cried for like 10 minutes. Thinking why can’t this be me. It’s not fair. All these negative thoughts went through my head for a while. As the months went on they kind of died out and that’s when we learned / researched about having vaginismus. Now I look at this in a whole new way. Maybe after treatment I’ll become pregnant. Keeping positive about it really helps! Plus my sister knows what I’m going through so after just having her 3d boy she and I get together a lot so I can have my baby fix. I love it the minute I walk in her house if she’s not feeding that boy is in my arms. (Shhh don’t tell my step sisters I’m the favorite aunt) I’m just staying positive now (I’ve been told by dr. Pacik since I can use slim tampons and get exams done by my gyno using the pediatric tools I’m one of the easy patients) so there is hope!!! I can’t wait to start trying and hopefully sooner then later it will all fall into place for us 🙂

[KatieG07]

Nakitalab I feel the exact way you do!!! I was nodding my head smiling reading your comment saying yes…there is someone else with the same feelings I have!!! I’m not alone 🙂

[KatieG07]

One more thing sorry I thought of after posting. Miracles do Happen….Believe in Yourself. Until that day comes my husband and I will enjoy our life together as a couple do all the things we probably wouldn’t be able to do as easy if we had kids.

[Becca]

Thanks so much for posting this, Nakitalab! This is something that has been SO painful and hard for me through our journey with vaginismus — watching all of my friends and family become pregnant and feeling like I would never have the opportunity. It is especially hard for me the closer the person is to me. Both of my husband’s sisters are pregnant right now, my cousin is pregnant with twins and two of my dearest friends are also pregnant. It is a hard place to be when you want to feel so happy for someone but you just feel so heartbroken and sad for yourself. I agree, that is is OK to feel the way we feel. We all need to learn to allow ourselves to feel our feelings, they are valid! I have started distancing myself (for a short amount of time) from the women in my life who are pregnant. I don’t want to suck the joy from their pregnancies, but I know for myself, I need time to adjust to it and cry it out for myself.

You definitely aren’t alone, Katie! I think this is a very common thing for women suffering with vaginismus.

[Heather34]

I wanted to bump this topic as I love the comments and level of support from our Forum. In the past, a husband who’s wife had vaginismus also wrote:
“I am the husband of user leonielee. I am new to the forums and just wanted to introduce myself. My wife and I have been dealing with vaginismus for five years. I wanted to join a community that would have an open discussion about this condition with others who can relate to our situation and our struggles. For example, today is Mother’s Day, which my wife finds extremely difficult. How do you all deal with this daily struggles?”
Dr. Pacik replied:
“Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Mother’s Day is a holiday of struggle for many of my patients. I know from speaking to you yesterday that you care a great deal about your wife and you as so many of the husbands I come into contact with are princes in terms of the love and undying support given to your loved one. Perhaps there is no answer. Perhaps the answer is that at least through this Forum women are able to understand that hope for a cure is a reasonable expectation and this can be the driving force of feeling empowered. Together as a community we can make this condition more well known.”