My name is Phil

[philphil]

It certainly feels weird writing this as a male on a vaginismus forum, but I think what I’m going to say might help other couples.

My name is Phil, I’m 32 and I never had sex in my entire life, yet I’m married to a gorgeous wife I love very much.

The only thing that’s a lie in that sentence is my name. 🙂 The rest is, unfortunately, 100% true.

None of my friends know we haven’t been intimate, not even my own parents. After football, I like to drink a few beers in the pub. All my mates tell me that “my wife is hot” and how lucky I am to have her. I nod, smile, take a sip of my beer and think to myself: “if only they knew”.

Whenever something is inserted into my wife’s vagina, the muscles in her vagina start contracting, making penetration impossible. This goes for my penis, but also for vibrators, gynecological instruments, tampons, whatever… her opening says: “¡No pasarán!”, without exceptions.

She tried following pelvic floor therapy and had to do exercises with dilators, but that really wasn’t her thing. I’ve always respected her opinion and never forced her into sex, since I’m sure that would result in the opposite effect. So now I’ve basically ended up in a sexless marriage.

Still: I think we have a good, satisfying sex life.

“How on earth is this possible Phil, when your wife has vaginismus?” Well, I guess it all depends on what you call “satisfying”. I had to let go of the wish to penetrate her during sex. I’ll probably never know how that feels. But – here it comes – there are other ways to have sex. Yeah, I know, it’s not 100% the same, but sometimes you have to accept the fact not everything you want is possible. Acceptance adds maturity in a relationship.

The way it works for us is nothing new since others have written about it before here on the forum: we are EXTREMELY open towards each other concerning our sexual needs. Since I’m together with my wife, I haven’t masturbated ONE single time behind her back or without her being present next to me. I honestly think that’s the best thing you can do when ‘real’ sex is not possible. I know another couple and they’ve basically destroyed their sex life by letting individual masturbation take over – they hardly share something intimate anymore.

Is this easy? No, it’s freaking HARD to do as a guy. I used to masturbate whenever I wanted to before I met my wife. Now I simply tell her whenever I feel the need. It’s not a guessing game, I literally tell her when I need to ejaculate, and either she’ll help me or I’ll do it on my own. When we’re both in the mood, we usually take things slow and kiss, cuddle, undress, tease and stuff like that. When only one of us feels the need, it’s a quick & dirty job. Either way, it’s not the same as a normal couple being intimate, but it surely FEELS intimate, as in “I’m not doing that in front of everyone”.

The moment my wife would say: “hey, whenever you’re in the mood, do your thing but I don’t wanna know about it”, I’m pretty sure our sex life is over and done, like it is the case for my friend.

[mazemelissa]

Hi Phil,

I really love that you posted on this forum.
Getting the insight of the partners is so important. This condition affects partners in so many ways as well.
There are lots of ways to have sex, not just PIV intercourse, and it is a reminder for all those suffering with vaginismus, that you can still have a great sex life with your partner even if intercourse is not happening.

[recessivegenequeen]

Philphil, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us. I’m sure that not being able to have intercourse over the years has been challenging, but it’s great to hear that you still have an intimate sex life with your wife. I think a lot of men partnered with women with vaginismus would greatly envy what you have (and actually probably a lot of married couples who CAN have intercourse too!) There are a lot of ways for intimacy to depart a partnership and it takes work and communication to still be able to be satisfied by each other. I hope that you feel pride in having that connection. And. you never know what will happen in life – your wife may find new motivation to pursue dilation, the botox treatment, or other methods later in life. We can never know how things will turn out, but it’s great that you are supportive to your wife and skilled at making your needs known so they can be met.

[philphil]

Thank you all for your comments! Really means a lot to me.

[recessivegenequeen]

We’re glad to hear your perspective! Everyone’s experience in life is different and there’s a lot we can all learn from each other.