My story

[Mary85]

So never in a million years did u think I would be posting in a forum like this but it’s a huge indication to me on how far I’ve come.

I want to speak out because even if it only helps one woman, I would prefer that one woman to not have to suffer anymore.

My story- I’m now 28,married for a year and a half but been with my hubby for 9 and a half years. What a gem he is! Honestly, yes it’s hard for woman suffering through vaginismus but I can only imagine how hard it would be on the other end.

I went through many reasons for my issue before being properly diagnosed-you need to relax, maybe get drunk and a forced examination were just some of the things I went through. I could not even insert a finger/tampon and even the thought would make me feel sick. I used to have panic attacks and would ‘disassociate’ (learnt that from my therapist!) in anticipation of pain. I wouldn’t even know my low point as I feel like I’ve had so many. I had never told a soul thinking I was weird, abnormal and I was the only one in the world going through it. I thought I was too young for sex and that was why it wasn’t working. As I got older, I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t married and religiously shouldn’t be having sex. Ahhhh the amazing things the mind can lead you to believe! Its almost humourous the amount of reasons I came up with!

Thankfully, I had an epiphany one day and realised I was putting so much stress on myself and my relationship, I needed to act. Ironically, in my everyday life I would describe myself as a go getter, someone who pushes herself to achieve her goals and yet sex had always alluded me.

I finally went to a woman’s centre and the doctor immediately recognised the issue and referred me to a sex therapist (thank god because I was traumatised from my forced examination years before). After seeing the therapist, everything started to change. I could not physically use the dilatory at first (I started 2 sizes smaller than the kit and thought I would never succeed).

I stress this was all OVER TIME! I’m talking several years-I needed to undo all the psychological stuff that had built up over the years. It then became obvious that I was getting stuck on the bigger sizes and just 2 months ago I had Botox injections.

Yipee! I thought I was done and dusted but no. I am now seeing a physiotherapist and resumed with different dilators and do these every day (except those days I really just can’t). I am up to the size 5 and getting used to this-I’ve realised I can control my brain and relax myself which is so huge for me as I always felt out of control. We have not attempted intercourse yet but are so close and I can’t wait! I want to be able to say I beat this beast and I got through it-for me that day will be HUGE!

I guess I wanted to post here for a specific reason. I wish I had gotten the right help from the start as it would have been much easier that way. Although I still have days where I feel like I’m failing, I think back to that tiny little tube I started with and think I’ve come a long way. I mean that little tube would freak me out, massive, uncontrollable panic attacks to it now going in with no effort at all. My physio even inserted her finger last week which is big for me to do since I’m not in control of it.

So, as to not bore you further, I’ll leave you with one last thought. If you’re anything like me, it seems like a never ending process but you will get there! It might be that you need to deal slowly with the mental stuff first and then move to the physical and learn how to manage those separately. Most of all though, don’t give up and seek high quality help and support.

This forum alone is a real blessing so I thank all those involved in setting it up. Good luck to all of you out there-let’s best this thing together!

[Aimee Goldman, RWHNP]

Mary I am so happy that you are doing so well. It is wonderful that you took it upon yourself to get help.
So many of our patients have suffered in silence before they get the help that they desperately need.

Having Vaginismus is both physical and emotional. Working through both of these is key to success.
Good luck on your journey and keep us informed of your progress!

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

Mary, thank you SO much for posting this. I’m sure it’s giving many people hope, but is also a huge source of comfort as well. As you so eloquently articulated, vaginismus is one of those conditions where people walk around feeling shame and broken…like a weirdo who has this odd condition. Whenever I encounter people who look at me like I’m crazy when I explain vaginismus, I emphasize that statistically, we all know people who have had vaginismus- they just don’t talk about it.

Thanks again for sharing your story with us!

[recessivegenequeen]

Congratulations to Mary for having come so far in dealing with vaginismus! I know how long a road it is, and how hard it can be just to feel relaxed when having to interact with your vagina. You’re doing an amazing job – keep up the great work! All of us on the forum are rooting for you.

[Heather34]

Hi Mary. I absolutely loved reading your story and you have done so, so, so well. Dr. Pacik and I created this Forum back in January of 2012 for so many different and important reasons, one huge one being the reduction of isolation. Now, women with vaginismus do not have to feel like they are the only one going through this. Your post is so inspiring and I love what you wrote: “don’t give up and seek high quality help and support.”