My story (and I’m not proud of it)

[blueclouds]

I ended up on this website because a good friend of mine told me I had to take a look here (she knows I was a vaginismus patient). I must say you did a really good job. Very informative website and forum!

It’s far from easy for me to write this down, first of all because English is not my native language, but also because what I’m about to tell you is something I’m not particularly proud of.

I’ve been what many people would call a ‘difficult’ teenager. By the time I was 16 I was drinking, smoking, taking drugs and totally neglecting school. When I was 18, my parents kicked me out and I had to start working at a bar to pay for the rent of a small one room apartment I was able to find. But luck was on my side – I thought. A few months later I met a guy at the bar. He seemed nice, we had fun (he paid for lots of things I couldn’t afford) and we became a couple – until we had sex for the first time.

What happened that night influenced the years to come. We got stoned and ended up in bed. However, I was so tensed he couldn’t penetrate me at all, it felt as if he was hitting a wall. He slapped me and he said he had the right to have sex with me cause we were a couple and that I was taking something away from him, and while he was slapping me he kept on pushing his penis in. It was horrible. I noticed blood on the sheets when he left and I broke up with him that same evening.

From that moment on, I reversed the roles. Instead of me waiting for someone to seduce me, I began chasing men and quickly became known as someone “easy” to have sex with. In reality, the only thing I ever did was manually please them for a while. They even didn’t finish. According to my psychiatrist, I wanted to punish all men because of what happened with my first boyfriend. That might have been spot on. I couldn’t have sex, they couldn’t have sex either and I pretty damn made sure they didn’t finish.

What I never told him though, is that I discovered in the mean time I was indeed physically unable to have sex. I could hardly insert a finger. Tampons were impossible to use. Sex was a big no-no. Orgasms were impossible, no matter what I tried. Honestly, I felt like a complete mental wreck. But I did seduce over 100 men, and secretly enjoyed telling them I wasn’t using BC and I was allergic to condoms. None of them ever saw me naked, while I have teased the hell out of them. They all left my apartment being more horny than before, and that felt great even if it was definitely the worst period of my life. It gave me power over them, I guess.

Things changed when I met someone who didn’t seem to fall into my trap and refused to go upstairs with me, even when I insisted. He was different. He was genuinely interested in what I had to say. Week after week we grew closer. I became madly in love with him and moved into his house a few months later. He was also the one who made sure I stopped using drugs. I would have done anything for him.

When I (finally!) had sex with him for the first time, I was SO ready his penis slipped into me by accident, without even knowing what was going on. I remember thinking: it fits! But I ended up in pain almost immediately, it was as if my entire vagina was on fire.

To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. I even didn’t know what it was. Took me over a year before I was able to finally have sex with my partner and I now deeply regret what I did to all those men when I was young.

I’m posting this here because behind a success story, you can sometimes also find a less glorious part of someones life that is not always told. I’ve used my vaginismus against other people, instead of facing my own problems.

[coldasice]

Blueclouds, after reading this I want to give you a big hug because you seem to have gone through a lot in your life. Thanks for posting this.

Your story reminds be a lot of a diary/book I’ve read a few years ago, written by a girl that was raped by her uncle when she was 14 or 15. She did more or less the same thing as you did: share the bed with as many guys as she could, without actually having sex. Her “revenge” was to masturbate those guys but never finish them and kick them out of her house afterwards before they had the opportunity to come. So unless you’re the author of that book, you’re not the only one who came up with this idea.

I hope you’ve feeling better now.

[recessivegenequeen]

blueclouds – thanks so much for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you – I think you’ve spoken of something that’s probably deeply true of many of us, which is that beneath the stories of our journeys toward healing are actions we’re not proud of. You were hurt badly and it’s understandable that you channeled the pain you felt into retaliation against men. I’ve felt similar resentments toward them while I was dealing with vaginismus that I’m not proud of now, but it often takes moving through treatment and feeling more normal again before we can reckon with those feelings. I’m glad you are examining your past actions and I hope you find peace in the path you had to take to get where you are. Understanding the actions we aren’t proud of is part of what makes us better people for the rest of our lives.

[Heather]

Hi blueclouds!
What an incredibly brave person you are. Your story is deep and touching. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that. That is a lot for one person to go through. Congratulations on overcoming SOOOOOOOOOO much!! You are incredibly strong and resilient! Please, feel free to offer some of your own advice in another tread about how you cured your vaginismus. Your story could really help reach someone in need. 🙂 Thank you so much for trusting us with your story.