Hi Julia_FL – I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’ve been through. I had the same problems when I was younger and wasn’t able to be penetrated by anything. The fear and anxiety all makes it worse too; you’re brave for enduring the things you’ve already been through.
The severity of your anxiety can have a big effect on how you decide to move forward with treatment. A common first step is to get a set of dilators and see if you’re able to insert the smallest one on your own (there’s a lot of information here on the forums and on the internet about how to use dilators). If you can’t use the dilators on your own, you can see if there’s a pelvic floor therapist in your area to make an appointment with – they can often help with the tensing and anxiety. A general talk therapist can be helpful too as you begin to untangle the relationship between your body and fear.
If you aren’t able to use dilators on your own, you have other options as well – the Maze clinic’s botox procedure is what I used and it’s extremely effective even for the most severe cases of vaginismus. You have a lot of options to explore and the important thing is that now that you know what’s going on with your body you can begin to explore treatment options to figure out how you want to proceed. Let us know how it goes!