No experience

[elisabeth2233]

Hi there,

My name is Eli. I’m 37 years old.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 17, and vaginismus a few years later. Due to both conditions, I’ve never been able to meet a partner. Now that I’m gradually getting better, this is definitely something I want to fix.

However, I’m literally NOWHERE when it comes to men. I have never kissed a guy, I have never seen nor touched a penis in real life, I have never had sex. I’m drowning in this over sexualized world and not having enough experience is a huge issue at this point.

I’ve heard there are sex workers who can help patients like me, but I’d like to know more about them. What do they do, how do they work, where are they? Is this something you guys know?

Eli.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Eli – thanks so much for posting here and sharing your story! I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through, both as a result of your endometriosis and dealing with vaginismus. It’s so great that you want to work on it and meet a partner.

To learn a bit more about the intersection of sex work and vaginismus, I highly recommend this thread on our forums to learn more:
/forums/topic/sex-workers-and-vaginismus/
(paste this piece of text after the homepage of this website in a web browser – the forum doesn’t like me posting URLS right now!)

I think a lot of sex workers who work in this space get connected with clients through sex therapists or pelvic floor specialists, so if there’s one of those in your area, contacting them might be a good next step.

I also wanted to say something that I wish I had known when i was dealing with my vaginismus (which I wrestled with for almost 10 years before eventually getting treatment). I felt a lot of insecurity at not being able to have penetrative sex and usually didn’t handle that anxiety very well, but in reality you have a lot of power over whether or not you share your lack of experience and how you contextualize it. It may feel like people can take one look at you and see that lack of experience, but I’d bet anything that isn’t the case. People look for comfort and confidence, and if you’re interested in trying to date or kiss some people, they’ll likely never know your past unless you share it. Whether you choose to is up to you, but it’s totally valid to try going on dates and seeing how it feels before you share the experiences you’ve had. There is no wrong approach, but if you lead with confidence and the knowledge you are doing things how you want to, you will likely be surprised at the ways you can start to explore this side of yourself.

[mark2021]

Hello Eli. My name is Mark, and I’m one of the sex workers who “learns” vaginismus patients to have sex. I usually work with sex counselors or pelvic floor therapists. I’m not sure there are colleagues doing the same in other parts of the world though, so if I were you, I’d ask my PT if he or she knows if there are sex workers available to help you out.

I’ve been working with 30, 40 and even 50 year old vaginismus patients, who never had sex in their entire life. You’re not alone. As in your case, some of them have never kissed a guy or seen a penis before. So we start by showing them how things look like, how a penis feels – a bit of a biology lesson really. I show them how an ejaculation looks like, they can feel, taste if they want, play around with my penis, try things out at their own pace… after that, we try to do the same on them, so we explore the vulva, vagina, clitoris, try to discover what feels good, try to give them an orgasm, etc… and at the end, if the client wants to, we can have sex, which is usually a VERY emotional moment for older women. I recently worked with a 38 year old patient and she cried when she had her first orgasm while we were having sex.

If you have insecurities around intimacy, I think a sex worker is always a great investment.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Eli – thanks so much for posting here and sharing your story! I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through, both as a result of your endometriosis and dealing with vaginismus. It’s so great that you want to work on it and meet a partner.

To learn a bit more about the intersection of sex work and vaginismus, I highly recommend this thread on our forums to learn more:
https:// http://www.mazewomenshealth .com /forums/topic/sex-workers-and-vaginismus/
(delete the spaces in the URL and then put it into a web browser – the forum doesn’t like posting URLS right now!)

I think a lot of sex workers who work in this space get connected with clients through sex therapists or pelvic floor specialists, so if there’s one of those in your area, contacting them might be a good next step.

I also wanted to say something that I wish I had known when i was dealing with my vaginismus (which I wrestled with for almost 10 years before eventually getting treatment). I felt a lot of insecurity at not being able to have penetrative sex and usually didn’t handle that anxiety very well, but in reality you have a lot of power over whether or not you share your lack of experience and how you contextualize it. It may feel like people can take one look at you and see that lack of experience, but I’d bet anything that isn’t the case. People look for comfort and confidence, and if you’re interested in trying to date or kiss some people, they’ll likely never know your past unless you share it. Whether you choose to is up to you, but it’s totally valid to try going on dates and seeing how it feels before you share the experiences you’ve had. There is no wrong approach, but if you lead with confidence and the knowledge you are doing things how you want to, you will likely be surprised at the ways you can start to explore this side of yourself.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Eli – thanks so much for posting here and sharing your story! I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through, both as a result of your endometriosis and dealing with vaginismus. It’s so great that you want to work on it and meet a partner.

To learn a bit more about the intersection of sex work and vaginismus, I highly recommend this thread on our forums to learn more:
https:// http://www.mazewomenshealth.com /forums/topic/sex-workers-and-vaginismus/
(delete the spaces in the URL and then put it into a web browser – the forum doesn’t like posting URLS right now!)

I think a lot of sex workers who work in this space get connected with clients through sex therapists or pelvic floor specialists, so if there’s one of those in your area, contacting them might be a good next step.

I also wanted to say something that I wish I had known when i was dealing with my vaginismus (which I wrestled with for almost 10 years before eventually getting treatment). I felt a lot of insecurity at not being able to have penetrative sex and usually didn’t handle that anxiety very well, but in reality you have a lot of power over whether or not you share your lack of experience and how you contextualize it. It may feel like people can take one look at you and see that lack of experience, but I’d bet anything that isn’t the case. People look for comfort and confidence, and if you’re interested in trying to date or kiss some people, they’ll likely never know your past unless you share it. Whether you choose to is up to you, but it’s totally valid to try going on dates and seeing how it feels before you share the experiences you’ve had. There is no wrong approach, but if you lead with confidence and the knowledge you are doing things how you want to, you will likely be surprised at the ways you can start to explore this side of yourself.

[recessivegenequeen]

Mark, thanks so much for sharing your experience here – the work you do is so valuable and eye-opening. I wish this was a more well-known and appreciated service since I think it could benefit so many women!