No support System. What do I do?

[diercl48]

I posted previously about how I was scared my boyfriend would leave me. The day after I posted how wonder he was he left. The day before he said to me I don’t take us for granted, you make me happy. Well, make it through this to breaking up with me because of this. I really don’t know what the point is of continuing this and I feel like less of women. The end of the rainbow was getting to share the experience I have prior with this amazing man.I just wish this could have gone quicker I finally had time but it just wasn’t enough. I wonder if I should do this so it’s not a barrier in my next relationship. With COVID god knows when that will be and ill never know and that petrifies me the thought of trying this with anyone but Jason petrifies me. I wish I could tell him that, the position he’s left me. His fear and impatience leave me in the balance. What way should I go? Should I keep on this journey alone or should I wait until I have a person in my life so I won’t be scared?

[Sks823]

diercl48,

I’m so so SO sorry to hear about your troubles and struggles with vaginismus and your previous partner :(. I definitely relate to this – before seeking treatment, sex put such a difficult burden on my relationships and I’m sure some relationships ended as a result of it 🙁

However, the right person will be patient and NOT break up with you because of your vaginismus.

I definitely, DEFINITELY think it’s a good idea to continue to go on the journey alone. I don’t know for sure, but I think having a partner during treatment doesn’t really help THAT much – I know you might receive some extra encouragement and more reason to keep going when treatment gets tough, but you can get that from elsewhere like this forum, or opening up to friends/family.

I think vaginismus is becoming slightly more mainstream, so I personally don’t think it should be an embarrassment to talk about it to a close friend or family member. If there’s anyone you feel comfortable talking to about sex, you can mention you have a health condition that has been making sex painful recently, and you are using dilators to make it less painful. You don’t have to admit to anything else besides that. They might not understand, but they may be encouraging and supportive.

Of course, even if you don’t go to friends/family for support, you CAN ABSOLUTELY 100% do this journey alone. There is a whole sub-forum within these forums about that:

http://mazewomenshealth.com/forums/forum/vaginismus/vaginismus-and-the-single-patient/

Feel free to look through this and find many posts that are similar to your situation!

Good luck and please try to stay positive. It is such a difficult year, but imagine you can have at least one positive accomplishment coming from 2020 – overcoming vaginismus on your own!

[Heather]

Hi diercl48
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really think you should continue this journey. Not for men but for YOU! Vaginismus is terrible to deal with and I completely understand why you feel like less of a woman. You are not, but those negative feelings are exactly why you should continue your treatment. As for your fear, I think you should just take your sweet time with this and be easy and gentle on yourself. There’s no rush! Have you thought of seeking help from a physical therapist? I think that might make you feel safer and more comfortable to dilate. You can do this!!

[recessivegenequeen]

Diercl48, I’m so sorry to hear what happened in your relationship – I think almost all of us who have suffered from vaginismus have had some experience with losing a partner who stopped wanting to deal with the problem. It sucks what your boyfriend did, especially when you were putting in real work to work on the problem. A truly supportive partner would have recognized you WERE making progress and invested in your growth.

Like all the other women here, I strongly encourage you to keep going with dilating! Not for a man and not even just so you can have sex, but because it will give you confidence and take away some of the feelings of being less of a woman that have made you feel limited. You’ll be able to date with more confidence if you feel more in control of your vaginismus situation, and then it can be something you share with partners on your own time as YOU want to. I know it can be hard to motivate to do this on your own, but I think you’ll be so glad you did when you meet someone who deserves that kind of intimacy with you.

[diercl48]

I am still dilating, and I have been working with a PT lady since the start. I found out I had this when I went in to see a fertility specialist. I have been on chemotherapy for years and wanted to check that out. I got this news! I took a break because it’s emotionally a lot, but I’m getting in to see a psychologist, and my mom is as supportive as she can be. She doesn’t pry just tells me she doesn’t know how I find the strength to do this. She listens with an open ear and an open heart. I went to the gyno the other day, and it didn’t hurt as bad, and I told her. When she sees me break down in tears, she asks if there is something she can do. Part of my frustration is I have a rare form of muscular dystrophy, and I’ve been through therapy for PTSD, and I came out stronger. I have epilepsy by no sense of the word has my life been simple. I am not whining, but my frustration comes with three things I’m so used to being strong enough that I don’t just break down, and I don’t need someone and was able to before. I know what I am missing.
But on the positive side, I don’t feel pressured or like I’m rushing to get this done. I feel like it’s okay to go on vacation and take a break for two days. I have a wonderful friend who helps me laugh. I also am doing this because I want to go into my next relationship, confident that I can have fun! That I can connect and want to!

[Heather]

Diercl48,
That’s amazing that you’re working with a PT! And yes you have been dealt a lot, and you are strong! And yes it’s perfectly okay to go at your own pace. There’s nothing more effective for your body, than not rushing! You can do this! And I really hope you enjoy your vacation! 🙂

[diercl48]

I hope it’s okay to post on here its nice to get a bit of support and not feeling isolated. People can only do so much because they don’t understand. I have decided to continue this journey. As much as I hate it and it’s hard I’m trying. My PT lady is getting a bit frustrated I’m not making enough progress. But if I dilate nightly I am on the floor in a ball crying. I feel like I failed after I did all that work for my PTSD and now I still need help. It took me months to realize my problem was a wound I had not found. I have a psychologist to help me work through this. I’ve done it once, ill do it again!!!

[recessivegenequeen]

diercl48 – so sorry to hear about the setbacks you have had. But you are absolutely right – you are strong and brave!!! A big part of the vaginismus treatment journey is that sometimes the path is winding and even moves backward on the way to going forward. Your treatment is also never the only thing going on in your life. It is possible to be waylaid by other stresses and busy periods, to have to figure out new ways of making this work in your life. But the biggest key is to keep going, and you are an expert at that. It’s so important to remember that you have made progress before. Some days dilation and physical therapy will be harder than they were a day before, but it’s important to recognize those little milestones and remember that if you’ve done something once, you can get back to that place again in time.

Your resilience is the thing that will bring you your success, and you’ve proven you have it in spades. You can do it, you’ve shown us that much, and we are here for you every step of the way. Many women have gone through what you’re experiencing. You are never alone.

Good luck and please let us know how you’re doing as you proceed! We’re here for you!

[diercl48]

Update!!

Two things, I started going back to school at the age of 31 and that is part of why finding time for this has been so hard. But I ended up making it on the dean’s list making it worth this process taking painstakingly long! Second things I started seeing a psychologist to help me work through this and having someone to talk to and a safe place to talk about this and cry freely makes this seem not so overwhelming and scary. I see some hope! If anything getting on the Dean’s list showed me that I am stronger than I thought.

[Heather]

WOOOHOOO!! SO proud of you!! You’re taking the right steps in the direction to success!! How is your vaginismus as of recent?

[diercl48]

I want to thank you guys for really supporting me through this. I cry and I get angry but knowing that I have a safe place to come and ask questions or even just say im frustrated helps me. Since seeing the psychologist I’ve been able to use my dilator daily. Before I was using them but not daily I was trying to “fix” myself instead of heal so I could be with my boyfriend that I was still in pain. I’ve been trying to be gentle and move upsizes at my own speed, not to the point where I feel like I’m purposely hurting myself.

I’m finally size two but it’s a tight squeeze lol I figured it can’t get stuck in there so I don’t have anything to fear trying the next size. I can use the third size but not all the way in. I slipped back and then with my psychologist I was able to get a good routine.

[recessivegenequeen]

It’s so great to hear you’re making progress at dilating, diercl48 – and congratulations on making the dean’s list! As you’ve already experienced, treating vaginismus can be a long journey that includes temporary slowdowns along the way since our lives seem to keep moving even when we’re working on that particular problem. Your progress is fantastic and should be celebrated – perhaps most of all that your mental framing has shifted to a place where you’re putting less time pressure on yourself and focusing on healing instead of “fixing” yourself. You’re making a lifelong investment in your health and happiness so it’s worth giving it the time and space it needs, even if it’s not on the timeline you would have originally chosen. Keep it up and let us know how it goes – we’re so proud of you!

[diercl48]

I’m having one, well many days where the world just feels bigger than me. Exams and research and this isn’t really the most appealing thing to throw into my day. I’m not sure I can keep doing this. Right now it just seems pointless, being alone and me being so busy. It takes an hour out of my day, I have other PT that needs to be done that in the long run is more important than this. I have a bad hip. My final appointment is in two weeks and I’m waffling. I just have to decide if this really does matter. Some days I feel like just suck it up and deal. Move on with your life and sometimes like today I think how much longer!!! Or I just cry because i’m alone and feel deflated. I’m done with all the PT exercises ill see her I use my dilators but I always forget those.

[Jennifer Dembo, LCSW]

Hi diercl48,

We all have these moments – minutes – days – weeks, etc. And the pandemic has done a lot to magnify our experiences both good and bad. I want to honor all of your incredible work and success and acknowledge the aggravatingly hard times, too.

Only you can decide what is best for you, so be true to yourself. I will say, however, that maintaining flexibility to whatever extent you can will serve you not only now, but in the future. And while we can’t predict what life will look like down the road, we at Maze do know that consistency is your best friend when it comes to dilation treatment. You can decide to stop at anytime – absolutely. Just know that you may have setbacks when it comes to the stretchiness of vaginal muscles if dilation isn’t maintained. Of course, it doesn’t mean you can’t return to treatment at some later on. We just like to promote the idea that knowledge is power, and want you to make a decision based on information.

No matter what road you choose – soak up the things that bring you joy, and appreciate all of your progress! Healing is never a straight line, and with careful consideration along the way, you’ll arrive wherever you need to be.

[recessivegenequeen]

Jenifer is totally right in all that she says – dilation is demanding of our time and mental energy, and thinking back on the past few years of my life, there are definitely times it would have been too much for me to manage with the other things on my plate. The timing of when I was able to process and treat my vaginismus was a time when I had both the time, the motivation (in the form of a committed and encouraging partner) and access to the Maze Clinic and their botox procedure, so everything needed to line up. Part of me wishes I had done it sooner, but you can’t make yourself ready before you are.

What’s most important to remember is that you HAVE made progress and you know it’s possible, so make sure you remember you have options when you DO feel like you have the bandwidth and motivation to take on your treatment. These options will still be open to you and we will still be here for support on the forums if you need us!