Not really sure what to do

[HeyyitsNix]

So I’m only 19, I’ll be 20 in a couple months. Here’s a little backstory: I guess to start, when I was around 3 or 4, (I don’t remember) I was sexually assaulted my my father. Growing up I always knew what sex was and It always freaked me out. When I was around maybe 9 or 10 I got the talk, and though I pretty much knew everything already I still didn’t want anything to do with it. I got my first boyfriend when I was 17, before then I had absolutely no sexual experience. I kissed a boy maybe a decade prior but it didn’t really count. Even when I was dating this boy I made it clear sex was off the table. But this is where it really starts. When I was a freshman in highschool I had a huge crush on this boy. Like I fell in love with him, and I won’t bore you with all the details of that but long story short after 6 years and a lot of back and forth we are friends with “benefits” and I put that in quotes because I can’t bring myself to have sex with him. I love him very much. And he has been my first for pretty much everything else. When he tries to put a finger in it hurts, kinda like rug burn almost. I have never been able to use a tampon. We almost had sex last time we were together and I freaked out and my muscles tightened and I had to push him back. It has really affected my life. Even talking about it for too long makes me cry a little bit. I’m too scared to even see a gyno about it because I know I’m gonna be in a lot of pain. I haven’t been officially diagnosed, and maybe this is something else I don’t know. But this is something that I think about everyday and it plagues me. I don’t really wanna be able to have sex and feel good. But I don’t see that happening. I don’t really know what to do😭

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi HeyyitsNix – I’m so sorry to hear about your assault and your painful relationship to sex ever since. I hope you’ve done a little bit of looking around these forums so that you can see how normal vaginismus is. It sucks that that’s true, but scores of women have had similar experiences to yours and have the same painful and dysfunctional relationship to their vaginas and to sex.

I know that right now it probably feels impossible that you could ever NOT feel like this, but you would be absolutely amazed at how far you can come. I was very much like you (although I had never been assaulted) – sex caused me fear and pain and no man was able to penetrate me with anything. I started to experience these symptoms when I was almost 16 and didn’t even figure out my own diagnosis of vaginismus until I was 21 after a bad experience at my college’s student health center trying to get a pap smear. My vaginismus was VERY severe and I went another 4 years or so not even feeling emotionally ready to confront seeking treatment even though I had read about different options, but when a partner told me sex was important to him, I finally relented and sought treatment at the Maze Clinic (run by the people who operate these forums!) I eventually got the botox treatment under anesthesia and 20 days after the procedure, I was able to have intercourse for the first time. Nearly 4 years later now, the lived experience of vaginismus is a distant memory – I’m able to have pain-free sex and anyone I get sexual with would NEVER know I’d ever had such a massive problem unless I told them.

It might feels impossible that this problem could ever be behind you, but I promise you it can be. I waited years to seek treatment, and while i recognize now that things take how long they take and am at peace with that, I also realize that those were years I could have been less unhappy and gotten rid of some of the guilt, shame, and inadequacy I felt for so long. These feelings do not have to follow you forever. You may never spring out of bed saying “I’m excited to tackle this problem,” but I believe you can make yourself ready and start taking the first steps down the path to healing.

There are a couple next steps I think you should consider looking into. I would recommend seeing about getting into therapy for some of the emotional issues surrounding your issues with sex, especially if you’ve never had therapy regarding your assault by your father. Therapy can also help you to sort out how you might want to proceed with seeking treatment and what your priorities are. I also would suggest calling around to some gynecologists in town to see if any of them specialize in sexual pain and vaginismus (the forums will show you that it’s sadly easy to have a bad gynecologist experience when dealing with vaginismus, but there are good doctors out there too). You could go get seen by a gyno and possibly confirm whether you have vaginismus or a different sexual pain disorder and get more information about your situation. If these steps feel too big to get started with, I would HUGELY encourage you to do one small thing and just call the Maze Clinic at 914-328-3700 for a free 10-minute phone call. One of the most important parts of my healing was when I took this step and for the first time ever was able to talk to a medical professional who understood my pain and took me seriously. This can do a lot for your soul and give you more information as well.

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story – you are already so brave and I hope you will look into treatment because you don’t deserve to live like this. There is a better life waiting for you when you’re ready.

[Anonymous]

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