“Not Supportive Partner”

[SaraKhan]

Hi,

I wonder if any women with vaginismus have similar experience to me.

I’m a 36 years old woman. I’m married for 8 years now. Due to vaginismus we never had penetrative sex. The only time we had penetration was on our wedding night when I did bleed. But since then my fear of penetrative sex gotten even worse.

We used to do oral sex,hand jobs etc to each other. But since last two years we haven’t done anything at all.

I did go to a therapist for this issue and to be fair it wasn’t very successful. Firstly because I was very reluctant and so scared to use the dialators and secondly my husband wasn’t very supportive at all and always been negative. I tried dialator once or twice and didn’t manage to get it in. My husband reaction was always “may be I wont ever be able to get over vaginismus” I was never encouraged:(
I know its all on me to fix my vaginismus but I also believe alot of negativity and discouragement create hurdles in making progress

I was devastated and felt helpless every time he said that to me that there is a possibilty I wont be able to get over it 🙁 . It put me off big time.

Few months ago my husband gave me a shocking news that he don’t love me and he felt like that since 2nd year of our marriage and he wants a divorce because he cannot take it anymore. I was surprised to hear that coz all these years he expressed his love to me . Were all those years he was lying to me?

I cried and asked him for one last chance to get over my vaginismus. Coz I believe its the lack of intimacy that has changed his feelings for me

Although he has given me one more chance but again his negativity is making it hard for me to progress.
He tells me all the time that even if I do overcome my fear and we do successfully have penetrative sex,there are chances that it will still not change the way he feels about me now.

I’m feeling so helpless and discouraged again 🙁
I keep asking myself question why I’m going to therapist again. What for and for who? I feel if I succeed this time it will not going to save my marriage
🙁
I feel helpless and heartbroken 🙁

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Hi Sara, I’m sorry to hear your story and it is a familiar one. Yes, negative speak can really get into our heads and it’s important that you know that Vaginismus is a very treatable and curable condition. I know that there’s been much disappointment with not being able to have intercourse and that doesn’t mean that you can’t find other ways to give each other pleasure. Maze offers the Botox procedure if “straight dilation” seems impossible or simply too challenging. Feel free to call us for a free consult.
I know it’s difficult – try to stay positive – you can overcome vaginismus.
Helen

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Sara – I’m so deeply sorry to hear what a hard time you’ve had dealing with vaginismus and your husband. It is such a psychological issue that not having a supportive, relaxing, and trusting environment can really affect how much you succeed. It sounds like you and your husband may need to have some serious conversations (possibly with a therapist) around how to rebuild the trust and support that seems to have been lost in your relationship over the years and whether each of you think your marriage is still salvageable. You deserve a partner who loves you and believes in you and it will be important to figure out if your husband can still be that person for you.

Treatment of your vaginismus is EXTREMELY possible, but you will have to address the emotional issues along the way. Botox sounds like a strong option for you, and it’s possible you’d have more success with dilation if there was less time pressure. Let us know if there’s any way we can help and how conversations with your husband go!

[Heather]

Hi Sara.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. And I’m so sorry you aren’t receiving much support. But vaginismus isn’t as tough as she seems. There are so many tools to overcome this! Breathing techniques, yoga stretches that loosen up the pelvic floor, physical therapists and dilating. And there are also so many good tips right here in this forum if you dig through! While your husband may not be your cheerleader, you can be your cheerleader! And we’re all rooting for you here! And as Helen said, the BOTOX procedure is always an option! I had it and it changed my life! If there is anything you want to ask, at any time, please don’t be shy. We’re here for you 🙂 You got this!