Overcoming vaginismus as a single – moral issues

[littlebear]

I’ve called myself littlebear over here, which is not my real name of course. I’m a 23 yo single female, and I’ve had vaginismus. HAD, cause I consider myself pain free after almost two years of therapy.

There is something I’d like to write about here since I know it is an issue most single patients worry about.

When I was almost reaching the end of my sessions, me and my therapist started talking more and more about how it would be to have sex involving penetration again. Normally my therapist invites the partner/husband over during the last few sessions to discuss what the next steps will be (=having sex for the first time). But when you’re single, that’s out of the question for obvious reasons.

My therapist told me some of her clients had a one night stand or paid for a gigolo “to check out if everything worked fine” cause they needed that confirmation, but she told me she was against that and recommended doing it with someone I trusted and who was aware of my situation. That would mean I’d have to wait for a few months/years before I got to know a new partner, explain my issues to him and hope in the mean time I’d still be “ready” for sex.

Here comes the unethical part of my story. One of my (male) friends was aware of my situation, partly because he told me once he knew a girl suffering from vaginismus and I revealed to him I had that too. Basically that’s how things got started between us. He was/is the only one who was aware of my situation.

After one of my last sessions (and after having a few cocktails!) I asked him to have sex with me and he said yes.

It’s hard for me to describe how it felt when I was having sex for the first time in my life, but it was so intimate tears are running down my face while writing this down. I wasn’t in love with him, I wasn’t attracted to him, he smoked, used drugs, etc (which I all hate)… but he was SO gentle and sweet and patient the whole experience turned into something extremely positive: I was able to have pain free sex, and what’s more, I was even able to enjoy sex. He took a break to let me get used to the feeling of having him inside, he moved slowly, asked me if I was okay, etc…

I’m writing this down because I know there are single patients having issues with the last part of their therapy, when theory needs to be put in practice. Having to resort to one night stands to have sex for the first time often isn’t the best solution. Probably asking a friend to help you out isn’t the best thing either, but in my case it turned out to be the best solution.

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

Hi littlebear – thanks so much for sharing your story with us!

It is so, so helpful for women who experience vaginismus to hear from others with similar challenges. It’s equally helpful for women to share solutions!

Everyone experiences the condition in their own way, and the same goes for treatment. For those who would like to have penetrative sex with a partner someday, the final challenge is intercourse (READERS: please note that everyone has their own objectives for treatment). And as you so well articulated, this part can be a real hurdle for those who are single.

You, littlebear, sought guidance and employed creativity to meet your goals. While the partner you had intercourse with isn’t someone with whom you’re romantically interested, you were both aware of the situation, you were both consenting adults, and it sounds like he was a supportive, patient and understanding sexual partner.
With a foundation of safety and consent, women with vaginismus should seek out creative ways in which to reach their goals, according to their unique needs and preferences.

Congrats, littlebear – we’re so happy to hear about your success!

[recessivegenequeen]

Congrats on your success, littlebear! And I completely agree with Jennifer – I don’t think what you did was immoral. Your friend fully understood the circumstances and your priorities and he consented, as did you – and it sounds like it was a great experience! Not everyone’s treatment path will be the same and women who are unpartnered have just as valid reasons for seeking treatment for vaginismus. Good for you for finding a solution that worked!

Also, as a point of interest, we just had a male sex worker who helps vaginismus patients overcome that final hurdle make a post on the forums – it’s a really interesting potential alternative to what you did, littlebear, in the case you don’t have an understanding friend at the ready. You can read more about what he does and how it works here:
http://mazewomenshealth.com/forums/topic/sex-workers-and-vaginismus/#post-42909