Pre-procedure anxiety

[casadyb]

My husband and I are traveling to NH in a couple of weeks (EEK!!) for the procedure, and I’m starting to get anxious! Not necessarily about the actual procedure, but about the involvement of my husband (who does want to be involved). We have been married nearly five years, both virgins when we married, and have not been able to have intercourse at all. What makes me most anxious/nervous is him being in the operating room during the procedure and seeing everything. I’m very much hoping that someone has some advice to help get over, or at least alleviate, my feeling so closed off?

Are there any other women who have been in the same situation of no prior experience before marriage?

[arose]

Hi Casadyb,
I had the treatment yesterday, and am still in Manchester just finishing off the three day programme. I’d say the involvement of your husband is a definate positive… throughout the entire time (not just the procedure itself), you will be learning more about each other, and having to let him support you through this – it definately makes you stronger as a couple, and is fun too to go on such an adventure together! He will learn a lot about your condition from being in the room whilst your procedure is being done, and from talking to the guys here and my husband, it really helps them to appreciate the reality and power of the vaginismus (and that it’s not just in your head!) At the end of the day, you’re married, and the strongest couples share everything about each other – intimacy is a risk because it makes you vulnerable, but also makes you have to trust each other more, which is a very good and important thing.

Good luck with the programme!

Arose.

[casadyb]

Thank you so much for your reply – its so comforting!! Your words could not be more true! Good luck to you and your husband post-procedure!

[sunfish7]

My treatment is this coming Tuesday (!) and I don’t feel as anxious as I thought I would…I think it will hit me once we get to the doctor’s office. I am of course scared of the actual treatment and what could go wrong physically as far as the anesthesia, etc. But I am mostly scared of the aftermath. When I didn’t know what vaginismus was and I just had it happening to me, it was awful because I felt helpless…but there was some comfort in that helplessness as this was just happening to me and there was nothing I could do. Now that there is an anwer, this is in my hands and I can do something about it, and that something is scary. I know it sounds backwards but it was easier in a way when I didn’t have any power over my vaginismus because solving this problem is going to open up a can of worms in terms of intimacy, trust, shyness, etc. between my fiance and I. All that stuff has been swept under the rug for years because we weren’t having sex and we’ve become complacent in our lack of power over the problem. Standing up and staring vaginismus in the face is terrifying.

[Heather34]

Hi Sunfish. It is so normal to be nervous about all of this stuff as I certainly was too. You wrote “solving this problem is going to open up a can of worms in terms of intimacy, trust, shyness, etc. between my fiancé and I.” This is exactly how I felt prior to my procedure as well – my husband and I had become very used to not talking about it and really ignoring and avoiding it. In fact, I didn’t even want him in the room with me at first when I was practicing inserting and removing the dilators. I did, however, get over this fear and am so glad that I did as our relationship and marriage are so much stronger because of it. While it was scary to do, opening ourselves up to each other 100% with all of this was one of the most important aspects of healing and overcoming vaginismus. Good luck with your procedure on Tuesday and I know you will do GREAT!!!!!!

[Dr. Pacik]

Sunfish, your post is profound: “solving this problem is going to open up a can of worms in terms of intimacy, trust, shyness, etc. between my fiancé and I. All that stuff has been swept under the rug for years because we weren’t having sex and we’ve become complacent in our lack of power over the problem. Standing up and staring vaginismus in the face is terrifying.” You have shared one of the deepest secrets of some of my patients who do become complacent with the status quo and never share this with their partners. I would urge everyone on the Forum to read this carefully and think about it. What are your secrets? Where have you held back?
A few years ago I was alerted to this by a patient in her late 30’s who had a “miracle child” born as a result of a onetime splash pregnancy. She wanted her child to have a sibling and so with time running out she was treated. She was successful and recently gave birth to her other dream baby. During the time I cared for her she confided that she was comfortable not having intercourse and she was not even sure she desired it anymore. She was distressed about this, feeling she shouldn’t be thinking this way.
Most of us do become complacent with what is. Change disrupts the balance and is more work. We have to pack up our belongings and move elsewhere, physically and mentally. What if the move makes us unhappy? Change represents moving into the unknown, a leap of faith that we are making the right decision. Know that you are not alone with these thoughts. I would love to hear from the others. What were your concerns? Your fears? Let’s get the skeletons out of the closet and share these deepest secrets. Then they are secrets no longer!
Sunfish, I look forward to meeting you and helping you. You will be joined on Tuesday by two other wonderful women coming in for the same thing. By the time you leave the clinic you will be a sunfish with new colors!

[Diana]

Casadyb: My hubby and I dated for 7 years before getting married in 2004. We saved ourselves for marriage and a bit more than that! After another 7 years of marriage, we were still unable to have sex. We tried numerous methods and visited several doctors, we too traveled to NH last year and 2 months post-procedure…We were finally able to have intercourse! This experience has brought us closer in so many ways! You are about to start a new and exciting journey together so buckle up!

Looking forward to hearing stories of your sucess!