Recently single

[amyct23]

Hi there,

I have struggled with my vaginismus for a couple of years and finally started receiving help and treatment for it in January. Things have taken a lot longer than I thought they would but I’ve made progress nonetheless and can comfortably insert the penultimate dilator, however, the largest one is still a big struggle for me. To make matters worse, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me this week. He says that it isn’t anything to do with this issue but I can’t help but feel that it is the reason and I feel like a complete failure. I am also so worried I won’t ever be able to have sex now as someone who is single! Even if I am able to insert the last dilator, how is this issue something I introduce/navigate into any potential sex life in the future? Just feeling very down and lost about it all at the moment and any advice would be much appreciated.

[Heather]

Hey amyct23!
I am so proud of you for your courageous work you’re doing with your vaginismus! It’s not easy but slow and steady wins this race!! You WILL get that last dilator in! But you are strong, you do not need a penis to complete your journey. All this work is YOUR work. They’re your dilators, it is your vagina, and it is your determination. This is all you! Once you get that last dilator in, you will keep a good schedule where you dilate with that big one 3-4 times a week. When you transition to sex, sex will be considered your dilating routine as long as you do it 3-4 times a week. But until then, figure out what you like and what you don’t. Take this time to learn your body. Experiment with toys and vibrators(way more fun than traditional dilating) And when you get into a relationship again, you’ll already know exactly what you like and it is totally up to you whether you tell them about your vaginismus or not. You will be okay 🙂 In the future, before having sex, I would play with some toys or vibrators. Make it apart of your foreplay because it is a much better experience when you have sex after having already prepared your body by dilating. Keep going though. Don’t get discouraged. You’re so strong and you will overcome this. Beating vaginismus is a MAJOR accomplishment. You will feel like you can tackle anything after! You can always post here, too. There’s a lot of amazing women here to support you 🙂 Keep us updated!

[Jennifer Dembo, LCSW]

Hi amyct23,

I could not second Heather’s response to you more emphatically! You DON’T need a partner to be part of your healing process. However, it’s understandable that you might internalize his departure as being related to your experience with vaginismus. Whether it is or not, you need to acknowledge this big change in your life – 3 years is a long time to have shared your life with someone. Then you’ll be able to see your path through. You’ve accomplished such extraordinary progress with dilation; remember this inner strength as it takes you to your next chapter. As Heather said, YOU choose whether or not to tell future partners, and spending the time now to get totally acquainted with what you find comfortable, safe and pleasurable is what it’s all about.

Good luck and let us know if we can be of any help as you move forward, step by step.

[diercl48]

This just happened to me. I understand how hard this is alone. As women, we sometimes forget the strength that we have. Somehow we always find the courage to risk our hearts and come out the other side okay. Find the strength that we all carry. It sits within everyone. I know that as hard as this is. You have courage, support and you deserve this. As for telling your next partner, it’s your choice! Love yourself, figure out what you like.

[amyct23]

Thanks so much for all the responses! They’ve really made me feel much better about everything. I think the main thing I am worried about is that I am not looking for another relationship anytime soon (as I was with my ex since I was quite young at 18) and so would like to engage in casual sex if at all possible. But I am worried that as someone with vaginismus that isn’t something that I’ll ever be able to do! Thanks again for all the help and encouragement. 🙂

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi amyct23 – first of all, I’m so glad you’ve been able to make it so far with dilators, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with a breakup while undergoing dilation and working so hard on your problem. That never makes it easy, but you are so brave in persisting and wanting to continue your journey on your own!

I think having casual sex is possible while still working out your dilation, but it may require a bit more transparency than is usually the case with hookups. Do you have a male friend or acquaintance you’re comfortable with who you might be interested in having a friends with benefits relationship with? That could make it feel more comfortable to communicate your position (and your interest) while protecting yourself from reactions to your condition. Another option could be to use dating apps and state your intentions clearly in messages before you meet up with someone while also letting them know you’re still figuring out what works for you and exploring sex at your own pace. I have gone the route of trying to have casual flings with people and hide my vaginismus until the last minute and it usually ended in me feeling embarrassed and disempowered – I wish I had opened up about it sooner and found people who were cool to figure it out along the way. There are a lot of openminded and chill people out there and I believe you can explore your desires with them if you so choose!

[diercl48]

How are you doing with your vaginismus and how are you feeling overall? Also, it sounds silly but if he didn’t stay when you needed him then you deserve so much better. You should be loved no matter what happens. We are all different yet all special. Rember that, you deserve to be loved with or without this!

[amyct23]

Thanks guys! These responses have all helped so much, it’s so nice to have a space to speak openly about it as I don’t have that in real life really. I’m still unable to insert that last dilator and everytime I try and fail it makes me feel worse, which in turn makes the problem worse. Thanks for the advice on casual dating/hookups too! I think I’m realising how crappy and inadequate vaginismus made me feel in my relationship with my ex and I don’t want to have to face those feelings of letting someone down until I’m confident in the last dilator. It really makes me feel like I’m not a woman (which I know is stupid) and I dread thinking that future partners will see me like that too. I’m also worried I’ll never get to the last dilator comfortably, I really seem to be at a stalemate.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi amyct23- I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with that last dilator! Would you say it’s larger than your last partner’s penis? Something I was a bit surprised about was that I never actually got super comfortable with the largest pink dilator in the set Maze uses with its botox patients, but in reality it was WAY bigger than my partner’s penis so I didn’t end up needing it as much in my routine (although it was the one I woke up with inside of me when I got botox!)

Something Maze was able to do was give me a size from a different set between the penultimate and final dilators in the set I had, so if there’s a big size jump in yours, you might try ordering a different set with an in-between size to further ease the transition. Also, if it is indeed way bigger than your average penis, you still may be able to transition to intercourse anyway (especially if you find an in-between size).

Don’t lose hope! You’ve made SO much progress already and I know you’ve worked hard.