Relationships and Vaginismus

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

For many women, including women with vagnismus, they feel ashamed that they don’t have a partner. “Are you dating anyone?” “What about that person you were at the party with?” are common questions many single women face on a regular basis. The choice to be single for women is not seen in our society as a “choice” but rather as a result of “not being good enough, not being lovable enough etc.” The concept is that a single woman is always “looking for a partner.” But guess what? It is 2016, women can vote, own land and choose to be single. The same holds true for single women with vaginismus and I just wanted to say that treating your vaginismus is about you and for you, not a partner or a future partner. So for any single women reading this who think they have vagnismus, but feel like they should not bother treating it until they have a partner, please know there is no shame in being single and wanting to help your own body heal and, it fact it may just be more empowering than you realize.

[Aimee Goldman, RWHNP]

Well said Nicole. Seeking treatment for vaginismus is often a very personal journey. Seeking the support of family , friends and trained practitioners can be extremely helpful.
Once you overcome vaginismus you will feel this incredible sense of power. This sense of power will no doubt foster a wonderful bond between yourself and who ever you meet along the way.

[Heather34]

This is a great thread ladies. I had vaginismus all through my 20s and found it so hard to bring up to new partners. I would try with them thinking it may be different this time but it never was. I met my then boyfriend (now husband) at the age of 25 and he ended up being the one I couldn’t push away (despite trying to) and we did overcome with the Botox treatment program. I love the idea of overcoming and being free of vaginismus for you and as Nicole and Aimee said, overcoming will change so many aspects of your life. Sending support today!!!

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Thanks for starting this thread Nicole. I want to echo that treating and overcoming vaginismus is all about you and your personal journey. The Maze staff is here to help you if you want a partner!

[Florence]

Thank you for starting this thread! If anyone has read my intro on the newbie thread my failing relationship is kind of foremost in my mind at the moment and it has been fear on so many levels that has driven me to find answers. I’m not single at the moment but it looks like I will be in the not too distant future and it terrifies me that I may have to open up to someone yet again and have to explain to someone else yet again what my problem is.

I guess I was just wondering if I am alone in feeling like sex is some kind of duty I should be able to perform in order to keep a relationship from failing? I know I am right at the very very beginning of my journey so I have a lot to learn- Nicole and Aimee, you said that treating my Vaginismus should be about me and for me and it will feel empowering, but at the same time because I have only ever associated sex with pain and a whole bunch of negative emotions, the sexual aspect of a relationship not something I have ever looked forward to and have actively shied away from – I may well have a sex drive but it is buried very deep under lots of self-preservation, so I do really feel like I’m doing this in order to not mess up yet another relationship rather than to enable me to enjoy myself – if that makes sense – functionality is more important to me than pleasure at the moment. If I enjoy myself I’d see that as a bonus. I know it’s probably not the right attitude to have, and I hope that with time and treatment and therapy this will change, but I just want to know am I totally alone in thinking like this?

[recessivegenequeen]

Florence, you are not alone!!! I used to feel like lots of past relationships had failed because of my problem. Vaginismus enters a relationship like few problems do – it feels like it’s one person’s fault and that the other person (the man) is the one who’s suffering for something he didn’t cause. But that’s not the situation at all! Vaginismus isn’t something any of us chose – like so many of life’s disappointments and tragedies, it happened to us. But what we all have control over is the way we handle the struggles in our lives. Many of my past partners weren’t able to handle my issue, which means it wasn’t just me – they weren’t good communicators, or they weren’t able to be supportive, or they just didn’t have it in them to open their hearts and sympathize with a situation – those are THEIR weaknesses, so it isn’t just the vaginismus sufferer’s fault when a relationship fails. It means the other person wasn’t trying or communicating what they needed.

When I first started treatment, I felt just like you – I cared more about being functional than about finding pleasure. My boyfriend had told me that sex was important to him and that if we were going to stay together I needed to try to confront the issue. Nearly a year later, I have achieved painless penetration and reached new levels of sexual pleasure. BUT, I needed to feel like a functional sexual person before I could get there because I had so many feelings of self-doubt and dissatisfaction to get through first. Vaginismus is emotional and complicated, and it takes many unexpected turns. If wanting to be functional is your goal, that is a great thing – the pleasure will come with it once you feel self-worth and self-love.