Scared but trying to have hope

[CountryGal88]

My name is Kaitlyn and I am 22, soon to be 23. I was raised in a Catholic home where sex was saved for marriage and was to be a sacred thing. When I was a teenager though I fell very hard for a boy who was my best friend. After we had dated, he began asking me about sex (I was 17). I didn’t want to have sex, but I was afraid to lose him, so I tried. Every time I tried though I was unsuccessful. We eventually broke up. I have now been in a committed relationship for almost 2 years. I have been blessed to have a man who has been understanding and has supported me. Over the last year or so I have been trying to have sex with him, but every time it fails. It always feels like he is just too big. I feel nothing but pain and burning. Even with loads of lube and numbing lube we just tried it doesn’t help. I have never been able to put a tampon in either. I had a bad childhood experience that I never thought about until this happened. When I was little I fell in between a playset and I was bleeding nonstop for an hour so they rushed me to the emergency room. I remember being in the gynecologist office and obviously I was curious. Next thing I knew they put something inside to open me up and I felt a pain like no other. I still remember my mother throwing me down on the bed and holding me down saying it would be okay as i screamed and cried. I have been conditioned to fear sex for as long as I can remember. But now I’m at the point in my life where I need to confront this problem. I tried to complete a gynelogocal exam but I couldn’t and I think of nothing but pain. I haven’t been diagnosed with vaginismus but I have a feeling if I could ever find the strength to complete an exam they would find it. There have even been times I have been able to relax myself while trying to have sex and I just can’t get past the pain and tightness. I can’t even put a finger inside me without bursting into pain and anxiety. It’s not fair because I know its hard on my partner too. As of now I imagine myself never being able to consummate a marriage or have children. I am just lost. I also haven’t told anyone else and I am afraid to tell my mom. If I do have vaginismus I don’t think I could afford any therapy or treatment either. I can just feel myself getting more depressed with each try and feeling more inadequate as a woman and I just don’t know what to do. I feel so hopeless and clueless as to where to turn.

[Heather34]

Hi Kaitlyn. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so sorry for what you are currently going through right now. I had vaginismus during my 20s and know so well what you are currently going through. Please, please know that I am here for you always. I tried everything possible to relax and will myself to have sex with my then boyfriend and now husband but no matter what, with each try, he could not get passed the wall of pain/resistance and I felt worse and worse. I also was never able to have a gynecological exam either b/c of the burning pain. It was beyond frustrating. I tried so hard to work with dilators but could never insert even the smallest one b/c of the pain/resistance feeling that I always had. I had the Botox treatment program with Dr. Pacik in 2011 and thereafter was able to insert the dilators for the first time and later my husband. For the first time, I met a doctor and staff who did not tell me to just relax and treated both the very real physical as well as emotional aspects of vaginismus. I, too, did not tell anyone except for my then boyfriend/now husband. One idea that I have to tell your mom if you choose to is to write her a letter explaining the medical condition. This takes the uncomfortable sex talk out of it which may make it easier. Right now, Dr. Pacik is retired but he is referring patients to an excellent group in New York who also do the Botox treatment program along with counseling. They provide complimentary review of your forms and work with patients to help find insurance coverage and a means of making the treatment possible financially as well. If Dr. Pacik recommends them, they are excellent and could help so, so much. Ok, please know that I am here for you always! Please write back! Sending you big hugs today!