Sex workers and vaginismus

[recessivegenequeen]

Mark, thank you so much for sharing, that was amazing to read. What really strikes me – and what I hope other women take away from your story about Anna – is just how much work goes into reaching the penetration stage even AFTER someone has become proficient with dilators. I think so many of us who have dealt with vaginismus feel SO impatient to skip ahead to feeling like we can do “normal” things, but often like Mark has said there are so many other things we still need to learn/relearn – how to take pleasure in our bodies, how to feel safe and comfortable being naked for someone else, how to be aroused enough for penetration to work, etc. Everyone’s journey is different and some of these things will be easy for some women and difficult for others, but we can’t neglect the healing our hearts and brains need to do sometimes even when we’ve dilated and our vaginas are “ready.” Thanks so much again Mark for sharing your insights, I think they are really going to help people to read.

[juliefrance]

Thanks Mark for sharing your story. I’ve made use of a similar service during the last weeks of my treatment plan, since I was single at that time. I have nothing but positive words to describe my experience with my sex worker. He was the first guy I had sex with, but at the end that wasn’t the most important thing. He taught me lots and lots more. I had a super low self esteem and I hated my body, but somehow he succeeded in convincing me I had a normal body after all. He learned me how I had to masturbate him, by giving clear and direct instructions, something a boyfriend would probably never do. We used a mirror to discover how my vulva looked like, and he managed to give me my very first orgasm (at the age of 32!). As I said, nothing but positive words and I can recommend this to everyone who is struggling with vaginismus and needs to deal with the situation without a partner.

[sunnysonya]

Julie, your story gave me goosebumps, I could almost feel your enthusiasm and I can totally understand how this can help some vaginismus patients with a broader set of problems like lack of self esteem and sexual experience. Was it your therapist who pointed you towards that sex worker? If you want to share more details, please do since I think this is something lots of us are curious about 🙂

[juliefrance]

Hi sunnysonya,

Yes, it was my therapist who told me about the existence of sex workers trained to work with vaginismus patients. I don’t know if this is something that exists in all countries, and I even don’t know if this is allowed or tolerated by law in France. I was just given the name and phone number of someone who did this and I can tell your I was super nervous to call this guy. At the end I’m glad I did though.

As another person wrote here before, they accompany you in the process of learning to be intimate with someone. Their purpose is to take away all fears you might have, and this can be very broad, from insecurities concerning how your body looks like till not knowing how you can sexually please someone. My sex worker went step by step. Even showing my naked body to him was already a giant step at the start – I was really convinced he was going to run away when he saw my saggy boobs or my peach skin on my legs. While he touched me he taught me how things worked and how we could excite each other. At the end we had sex. That felt kind of weird and liberating at the same time. Weird because I wasn’t in love with him and it was purely a technical act, but also liberating since this was the first time I was able to have real sex with someone. He was also the first one to give me an orgasm, I never managed to do that myself. In reality they are a mixture between a pelvic floor therapist, sex ed and a psychologist.

What I really liked is that he was someone I could trust and had a lot of experience with vaginismus patients. If you’re single and you’ve finished your therapy, having to explain to a new partner you never had sex can be REALLY intimidating and you’re basically using your new boyfriend to test if everything works again. That is not the case with a sex worker.

If you’ve got other questions, I’m happy to answer them.

[recessivegenequeen]

Juliefrance, thank you SO much for sharing your story about this – I think it’s amazing that this service exists and I wish these services were more widely advertised so we could understand how to send more women their way. It’s really interesting to hear how interdisciplinary your sex worker’s approach was – he wasn’t just working on the physical/technical parts of your issue but was also discussing your insecurities and emotions to help you approach sex on every level. What an incredible service – I’m glad that it helped you so much. I do wonder if it’s legal or whether these men could ever advertise their services, or whether it essentially needs to be a referral through a therapist.

[sunnysonya]

I think sex workers aren’t legal in large parts in the world, which means most of them are operating under another flag (like massage therapists). I guess that’s the reason why they are not easy to find and/or can’t advertise their services.

What I find fantastic is that apparently having penetrative sex is only ONE of the points they tackle, and not even the most important one judging from your story. I think being single and having to deal with vaginismus is even a bigger issue vs. when you’re in a relationship, cause the first partner you’re going to meet after therapy will indeed be someone you’ll have to trust immensely and I can understand this is such a giant step for most patients they even don’t want/dare to take that step and stay single for the rest of their life. For those women having a sex worker to “learn” how to be intimate with someone can be of great help.

[juliefrance]

@recessivegenequeen Not sure about how legal these sex workers are. I was referenced to this one through my therapist. I’ve never seen an actual advertisement from sex workers myself here in France. It’s really a niche IMHO and I wonder how many single women suffering from vaginismus are seeking help. I personally know a girl who has vaginismus but she doesn’t want to do anything about it and prefers to stay alone. She’s okay with that. Only singles with the intention of finding another partner will probably seek a therapist.

[recessivegenequeen]

juliefrance, I suspect you’re right. If I wasn’t someone dating men who generally enjoy penetrative sex I don’t think I would have really been motivated to go to the lengths I did to treat my vaginismus (since there were so many more emotional issues tied up in not being able to have intercourse). It is a complicated calculation that women with vaginismus have to make, and I wish more of them knew about this sex worker option – I guess you have to be lucky enough to be referred to one! I wish they could advertise and share the value of their work more freely.

[emiliamars]

Hi Mark2021, I don’t know if you’ll see this since the thread is old but I am a sex worker as well (I do adult performing) and I have had vaginismus. I would be interested in speaking with you about the topic!

[Sks823]

Wow — this is such an interesting thread! Thanks all! Hope Mark2021 pops back up and can talk with you, emiliamars