Tips for Transitioning – Communication and Control

[Heather34]

Hi all. My hubby and I are celebrating our 1-year sex-versary (lol) on July 4th (the first time we made love in our 11yr relationship/5 yr marriage) and I thought of a couple of more tips to help those out there who are now in the process of transitioning. The things that really helped us were good communication, letting go of my need to control the situation, and allowing him to really lead and take control of his insertion and intercourse. We communicated very well while transitioning and he told me that nothing made him feel less manly (or demasculated) than having me instruct him on the proper steps to follow for this and he said it was also a turn-off as he was focusing more on my instructions and less on the joy and fun of the moment. I was so happy that he was honest and told me this as it helped me to see it from his perspective. The second element that really helped me was letting go of my need to control the situation. In order to do this, I focused on two things: a) trust, trust, trust – the more that we experimented with the dilators together, the more I mentally knew, trusted, and associated my hubby with pleasure and not pain and b) confidence exhibited by him – I knew that he had a lengthy sexual relationship in the past and, thus, knew exactly what he was doing. With this trust and confidence in him, I let him have the majority of the control and he entered very gently in the beginning and just fully knew what he was doing and how not to hurt me. Then, it was just like waking up with the dilator, I associated him and intercourse with not hurting and the more we did it and practiced, I then associated it with pleasure. Hope this helps!

[K Howard]

First and foremost, congratulations on your 1 year sex-versary! This post was VERY helpful for me as it is my main issues…not trusting that my husband will not cause any harm to me (I know that he won’t but in the ‘moment’ it just feels like anything could happen) and not having to be in control and allow him to just take the lead and for me to be present and actually enjoy the experience. This is just what I needed to read. Thank you again for sharing!

[Dr. Pacik]

Control issues are so important when attempting to transition from dilators to intercourse. This is an overwhelming moment for most vaginismus patients, a moment in time that is feared. It’s bad enough thinking about treatment with dilators, it is worse for most thinking of actually having penile penetration. It is normal for the woman who fears pain to want to have a say in how things are going when the time comes to take the leap. I think I have spent more time supporting women through this phase than any of the other details of treatment.
Though the last thing a woman with lifelong vaginismus wants is to see a strong erection, this is nevertheless needed to penetrate residual tightness of the vaginal muscles. A weak erection generally sets the stage for first time failure to achieve intercourse. It would be natural for a woman to blame herself, but actually in these circumstances the burden falls on the male. About 20-25% of the male partners in my practice have erectile dysfunction and need to take Viagra or Cialis in the early stages of intercourse. So what to do?
There are some simple male considerations that will be helpful to understand. In order for a man to feel virile and to be able to maintain a strong erection he needs to take the lead (control). He is the one that needs to set a romantic stage. He is the one who intuitively knows how to progress in turning on his woman (mother’s never teach this, it just comes natural to most men!) When the time is right, most men understand that they need to penetrate slowly to help stretch the vaginal muscles. The man needs to be in a comfortable position and it is for this reason that men will turn their women into a position that is comfortable for them. Sometimes men will turn their ladies frequently into different positions which helps them with greater arousal and ability to function. When the man strains, because a position is not comfortable for him, it is a setup for loss of the strong erection and he may become soft. Once a male becomes soft it is often hard to get back into the erectile state. “You can’t will a hard on” as the saying goes. Once flaccid, the game is over for most. The loss of an erection can be a problem with the next attempt, because now the man has lost confidence. This creates a bad cycle for the man.
So we are not dealing with “control issues” so often in the balance of a relationship. We are dealing with very basic instincts for procreation. We have learned to modify our sexual behavior so that it is well balanced and everyone is happy, but at the same time it is important to understand the fundamental instincts and behavior of a man in heat. Hope this helps.

[K Howard]

Yes, Dr. Pacik this is very helpful information and a great view point. It is definitely something that I had not really focused on before but am more inclined to consider and be respectful of and will try to keep more in mind of. Thanks again!