Vaginismus and Casual Dating

[Sofia101]

So I’m at a new chapter in my life. In my previous posts, I’ve mentioned a very understanding relationship I was in, how the guy was super patient and understanding. To be honest, I think it had a lot to do with there not being any of penetrative sex. Could we say that it wasn’t the right relationship? Perhaps.
Well, now I’m in a different place. I’ve been casually dating and what sucks is that I can’t live it how I want to sexually. At all. And it’s defeating some days because it makes me question why I’m even doing it.
It’s easy to say to not be succumbed into the modern age of casual dating and expectations of sex. I don’t feel pressured. I just want something that I can’t have for a while.
A few weeks ago, I called the Women’s Therapy Center and finally bit the bullet to make my first appointment. And then when I started looking at the cost, I cancelled. So now I’m just waiting to graduate, get a job, and finally be able to do that for myself and by myself. I was so close. But I can’t help but feel angry.

[Sofia101]

Because I’m torn between whether or not I should date, because it’s just a constant reminder that I can’t have sex, my question to my fellow vaginismus ladies is: if I see my dating with one of these men developing sexually, should I just be up front and honest? Or should I just cut every relation off?

[Heliopsis]

I completely understand why you are angry! I remember that I couldn’t afford to buy my first dilator – pretty horrible not to speak from the costs of the counceling service they referred me to. So I had years in-between buying the next dilator it was terribel. But nowadays there are quite cheap dilator sets. You could buy one and start dilating by yourself? I didn’t read your post before so don’t know if you are doing that already? How much are the costs in the US to treat it, if I may ask? I am from Germany myself and life currently in the UK were the treatment is free – you have to pay a tiny bit on top for the hard plastic dilators they prescribe (they prescribe here the Amielle – not the most comfortable but I assume it kind of does the job). However they do not offer this Botox treatment described at the Maze centre.

I would date anyway – sex is not only about penetration – and just cutting yourself of it might make you feel even worse? I always dated and if guys haven’t been patient enough I just was thinking to myself – well fine its just not the right guy and one of the positive sides of vaginismus is probably that only someone who truly likes you will stay with you – that way its pretty easy to find a nice guy. However I know its enormously frustrating anyway. I remember I was kind of attracted by a guy once and we were meeting casually and one night we were still drinking at his place and than I was about to leave and he said come on I know you would like to just stay – and I must admit I was pretty drunk – I just had to laugh a bit sarcastic – thinking to myself – gosh you don’t know how difficult that is for me… because we didn’t kiss or anything before I just couldn’t imagine talking to him – he must have thought I was a bit crazy… he never spoke to me again… But I suppose after that I accepted that one night stands are rather difficult for me so I only searched for more secure and relationships. And than I would explain that there are difficulties if it got more serious. I hope that helps a tiny… It makes me super angry as well that money is the problem for treating you – it really shouldn’t be the issue anywhere in the world :-(. I send you lots of good mood to get through this hard time.

[Sofia101]

Thanks for being so candid about your personal experience, that doesn’t go unnoticed whatsoever. It was kind of hard writing my post last night because I felt like I was coming off as a woman going through a “hoe” phase and I definitely don’t want any serious relationship right now. It’s just that I’m sick and tired of the little voice in my head saying “haha, you still can’t have sex with them”. Like that’s not even something you say to a guy if you see the relationship heading sexually. The blunt truth is that it scares men away. Especially men that barely know you. In a way, yes, vaginismus helps us see the dating world more clearly and we don’t get sucked into staying in a relationship for the sex and we see it for all the real pros and cons based on solely the individual you’re dating. But it’s still hard.

I’m at the baby stages of my vaginismus in the sense that even my own finger stings at the very entrance, so I don’t try anymore. I’ve had it for what I’ve known to be over two years but I could have had it longer. I started noticing it when my ex and I tried to have sex on multiple occasions, about a year ago, and he was just “hitting a wall” or I was in a lot of pain.

I haven’t bought a dilator kit because I just feel like I know it’s not going to work if my own finger hurts. I don’t even know how to properly use them…I’m guessing I start off with lube at the tip? But how long do I keep trying to put it in? Do I live it at the stinging entrance and do breathing exercises until the stinging goes away? What if it doesn’t go away and it just hurts? Do I still push more? Like how do know if I’m in actuality hurting myself more.

The center here in NY is renowned for treating, and even curing, vaginismus. The testimonials are wonderful and have given me a lot of hope. But the initial visit is close to $300 USD and the same for each of the 7-10 visits. That’s nearly $3,000 that I don’t have an ounce of.

I don’t want to stop the dating because who doesn’t like making out and oral? But if things start getting frisky, how do you even stop a guy and tell him “Hey, I actually CANT have sex”. What do you even say? “I have a condition”? Wrong. Scares them away and they won’t ever talk to you. “I have personal reasons I don’t have sex”? Wrong. It just might turn them off completely and you’ll end up feeling hurt and like you’ve wasted their time.

[recessivegenequeen]

Sofia101 – ugh, I’m so sorry, I feel your pain SO hard. I had vaginismus for so long that I had periods of seriously dating people and periods of casual dating, and the casual dating was such a slog. Everyone brings issues and baggage into a relationship, but often we can keep the things we’re most sensitive about concealed for awhile when we’re getting to know someone. Not so with vaginismus – the way modern dating works, sexual issues come up super quickly and it’s so hard to not feel like a freak when you can’t do what so many other people take for granted.

It SUCKS to not be able to undergo treatment for financial reasons, but if it’s at all possible, dilators can cost around $100 and are the way tons of people are able to cure (or make progress on) their vaginismus. Even if you end up going the botox route (like I did) you’ll still need a set of dilators to use after the procedure, so you could always start there. There’s tons of information on the forums about exactly how to use them, so don’t let that stop you either – we’re always here to help (to start: yes, tons of lube, ease them in slowly and be as relaxed as you can be. Burning feelings of discomfort are normal while the muscles are first stretching and they’ll pass as you make progress).

As for dating, I know it feels hopeless but there are still things you can do. First off, I will say that while you probably feel like you have a big neon sign pointing at you saying “UNABLE TO HAVE SEX,” people who meet you won’t be able to tell you have vaginismus until either they try to have sex with you and can’t or you tell them, which gives you a little more power to shape how interactions go. If you want to keep things non-penetrative or get to know someone before getting into the vaginismus thing with them, you can do that by creating dates that happen in public not near where anyone lives or by taking the lead in other ways to dictate the direction of sexual encounters (like saying “do you want to go down on me?” in a bedroom situation rather than waiting in silent panic for him to try something and you to have to explain it. If you date online, you can also do some pre-screening of candidates by putting in an online dating profile something like “looking for makeouts and light foreplay” or whatever else is true of you so that people know what they’re getting into. Finally, you also don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you don’t have sex – lots of people make that choice for lots of reasons, and you’re perfectly entitled to state that fact without leaving room for questions or negotiation. I know it feels weird, but again, no one can tell by looking at you that you have vaginismus – you can trust that information (or not) with anyone and it’s YOUR choice. Hope it helps and happy dating!!!