Vaginismus at 38

[Hope2022]

Hi Everyone,
I’m so happy I found this forum knowing that I am not alone. Just want to share my story and hopes we can support each other. I’m now 38 and was diagnose with vaginismus February 2021. I am from Southeast Asia and grow up in a conservative family where I learn that sex is a painful act and must be done during marriage. I never had a boyfriend until on my mid 20s and would never go as far as having premarital sex because I am taught to do it when married. I never used a tampon since this is not common in my country, we always use pads. My current partner of 7 years tried multiple times over the years to have sex but whenever we tried – my legs will start to shake and I’m running out of breath then when we tried to penetrate i would feel pain. We tried to ignore it over the years and found ways to enjoy sex without penetration.
Last year, I decided to visit gynecologist after a big fight with my partner. When the doctor tried to examine me, she did not even insert a finger but my legs started shaking, cant breath and i started crying – she went as far as touching the labia only bec my vagina is too tight and tense. She suggested that i should do vaginal botox(which will relax the vaginal walls) but its not covered in my insurance and its too expensive. Again, I decided to ignore it.
Last month my partner told me that I should try to have a checkup with a gynecologist. Exactly a month ago I met this doctor who examined me – she was telling me to guide her finger to insert in my opening. We were able to insert it in the opening only bec i started shaking again, out of breath and crying. The doctor said she was not able to examine me thoroughly bec she cant get inside. So she suggested to do vaginal botox. We decided to go for it, without insurance, for a fee of USD4,100 – and i am still paying for it. After 1 week, I did the procedure. The procedure lasted 30min and I was on general anesthesia. I spent 3 hours in the hospital – I remember feeling nervous but I keep thinking I have to do it. It went well, I went home after 3 hours. I was feeling lightheaded and dizzy due to anesthesia. I have slight bleeding (gone after 2 days) and little pain (gone the next day).
I had follow up checkup after 2 weeks – (botox will take effect 2 weeks up to 6 months). She told me she had to do hymenectomy (remove hymen) during the procedure and she also explained that my vaginal muscles are very tight that it feels like injecting into a bone when she administer the botox. She was also telling me that even im under anesthesia, my legs were moving (trying to close) when she tried to insert her finger. She was saying my brain was signaling my legs to close even when im asleep. This makes me realize that our brain is really powerful and can greatly influence how our body react.
At this time, she was able to insert her 2 fingers but it was very uncomfortable. We also tried inserting medium size dilator. She taught me how to insert it. At first it was very uncomfortable – I slightly kicked her. But I push myself, i keep thinking I have to do it. I started counting while I slowly insert the dilator. It was very uncomfortable and a bit pain – i feel like my vaginal is being stretched. But we were able to insert it 3 times. I was so happy, I keep thanking my doctor bec she pushed me. She even bit tough with me – telling me that i have to cooperate and that my vagina has no hymen, it has botox – i just need to be brave and do my part which i did.
Four days after the follow up checkup, we tried penetration sex but we manage to go as far as the head only bec i feel to much pain. My partner’s size is large and im only using medium size. My partner has been very supportive and encourage me to keep trying and he is also happy we made progress although we did not do it successfully yet.
Today is my 10th day doing dilation – i am doing it everyday, I started 10min and gradually progress to 20-30min. An hour ago, I feel frustrated because I was doing well but from past 3 days I feel resistance when I insert the dilator. I have to tried 2-3 times until I fully insert it – which makes me feel frustrated. I was hoping i will get better and better everyday but i feel like im goin back. I feel like i have to progress quickly bec im running out of time. I am on my late 30s (very late) im thinking of having kids, or if i can still have kids at this age? But no one to blame but me.
Im hoping to ask for tips on how to dilate effectively. I am not sure if im doing something wrong.
Im thinking to schedule a pelvic floor therapist but i dont have budget for it. Maybe something I can do on my own?
Your help is very much appreciate. Thank you! 🙂
If you have any questions regarding botox or vaginismus in general, feel free to reach out to me. We can all overcome this.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Hope2022 – I’m so glad to hear that your procedure was a success and that you’ve been making progress dilating! One of the hardest lessons for me to learn when I was dilating after my own botox under anesthesia was the one you describe – the immense frustration of feeling like you are moving backward! It’s natural to find this upsetting when you just want to get to a new chapter of your life after so many years of suffering, but this is a TOTALLY normal experience and does NOT mean you are failing at dilating.

One of the things I had to learn is that as women, our bodies change a lot over the course of a month due to our hormones and proximity to our period, as well as other health factors like whether we’re sleeping enough, drinking enough water, and so on. This means that some days, dilating will just be harder than others because our bodies have more or less flexibility, that we are in better moods, that our skin is elastic, and so on. This can be frustrating in the moment, but it’s extra important to celebrate gradual progress as we make it and accept that bad days will happen and that they don’t define our journey. Just do what you can and keep trying tomorrow, and you WILL continue to make progress.

I hope this helps – I would love to know how your dilation has been going and whether you’ve been able to overcome these challenges! Keep at it and know that this is all part of the process to get to a better sex life!