Vaginismus in Marriage

[Alyx]

Ok, I’m normally an extremely private person…but I really need some help, advice, something… Is anyone else having marriage issues due to their vaginismus?? Not that we already had a steller marriage in the first place but, My husband increasingly wants sex that I’m still unable to give him 8 months post procedure as I’m still having issues transitioning. He hates the dilators and is now saying really ugly things to me noteing that I don’t understand and I only think about myself. Now he says that everytime I dilate we need to try to transition…well I’m suposed to dilate every day sooooo…. I don’t like it and I don’t know what to do or what to say anymore… every conversation has turned into an argument. If we go a day without arguing with each other it’s a good day. The “d” word gets thrown around alot. I’m frustrated, I’m now on antidepressents, and I just don’t know what else to do… I tell him all the time that I’m not a robot and I can’t just “do it” with no emotion or when we’ve been arguing and etc… He doesn’t seem to understand that??? Somebody please help… All advice accepted… I feel ashamed that I’m even writing this. I haven’t shared this with anyone.

[Heather34]

Hi Alyx. I just read your post and want you to know that we’re all here to support you! Never ever feel ashamed about writing your feelings. Have you guys ever considered attending either sex-therapy or marriage counseling together?

Dr. Pacik has written a lot on the benefits of post-procedure counseling. I would encourage everyone to read this article:
http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/other-treatments/vaginismus-treatment-and-counselin/

Excerpts from the article include:

“Sexuality is central to one’s personal identity; pain of any kind experienced during sexuality affects self-identity. After physical pain has stopped and normal physiological function can begin, lack of positive sexual experience, self -esteem issues, and awkward or scary feelings inhibiting sexuality do not necessarily disappear along with the pain. Women with vaginismus and their partners often experience anxiety, depression, deep feelings of rejection, doubt in themselves and in the relationship, guilt, and lack of trust. A qualified sexuality counselor with additional current information on vaginismus treatment is very helpful to healing the woman, her partner, and their relationship…”

Ladies, what other ideas and advice do you have? For any members reading this who may have attended either sex therapy or couples counseling together post-procedure, what was your experience like? Did you find it helpful? Would you recommend it to others?

[Alyx]

Yes we’ve tried both marriage counseling and seeing a sex therapist. I still see a counselor / sex therapist on my own but she said she will no longer see my husband but will be glad to still work with me. We tried both of these prior to having the procedure. Post procedure he’s not really too keen on seeing a counselor…

[Heather34]

Hi Alyx. I’ve thought a lot about your question and was hoping to help you with a couple of suggestions:

1. It seems like talking with your husband sometimes causes arguing and fighting. Try writing out everything that you’d like to say to him (i.e. all of your feelings, etc.) and share this with him. I would encourage him to do the same. Then, put some quiet time aside; agree in advance to not fight about the letters; and spend some time really reading the content together.

2. Try practicing with the dilators together with your husband. I wrote in a prior post that I felt so strange about the suggestion of taking the dilators out and putting them back in with my hubby present in the recovery room right after the procedure. After I talked to Andrea, though, and realized the importance of overcoming vaginismus together, I became a lot more comfortable with doing this in front of him and also let him participate as well. I practiced with the dilators first; I then had him place his hand over mine while practicing; and then I let him remove and re-insert the dilators himself. This definitely enhanced our trust and closeness and he said that it helped him so much as he was able to see for the first time that it wasn’t causing me any pain whatsoever. When we transitioned to intercourse, I trusted him entirely with the dilators because of this time we spent practicing together and he gently removed the largest dilator and inserted himself. It was a complete success and, again, worked so well because of the trust factor for me and for him, the fact that he had already seen and, thus, knew that I wasn’t experiencing pain. I would highly recommend practicing with the dilators together to help with the transition. It may sound a little strange or foreign at first, but we found it a very important step in overcoming vaginismus.

I hope this helps Alyx. Ladies, do you have any further suggestions here as well?????