Was this inappropriate or did she actually help me?

[ihaveaquestion]

I don’t have vaginismus. My sex life is perfectly fine. However, there is something that happened in my past that bothers me and I’d like to get your opinion.

When I was 16, my mum took me to her (female) gyn because she thought I was suffering from a vaginal infection. She had an appointment and took me along and asked the gyn to take a look at me as well. I don’t think my mum wanted to do any harm, she wanted to help me. The gyn used a speculum to take a look inside, and she said my hymen was sitting in the way (I was still a virgin at that time, so what’s new?). If I remember correctly, she used a numbing cream and used her fingers inside of me to break the hymen. I hurt a lot though, the cream didn’t help at all. She said she actually helped me because I could end up with vaginismus due to this later on.

The problem is that after so many years, I still don’t know what to think. I felt incredibly violated at that time and suffered psychologically from what happened. But at the same time, that gyn might have been right, perhaps she saved me from vaginismus. Is this an authorized/normal thing to do on a 16yo girl?

[Heather]

While I don’t know the legal facts regarding your situation, I do know that hymen’s can be problematic. Maybe the doctor was thinking, if you were to attempt penetrative sex and it hurt, that you may have developed a fear around sex and associating penetration with pain. Resulting in vaginismus. But if you suffered from that experience, and it felt wrong to you.. then maybe it wasn’t the right option. I’m sorry you ever had to experience that but I am so glad you have a great sex life and no vaginismus! 🙂

[recessivegenequeen]

It’s a complicated question because you can’t know what the alternative would have been – whether you might have suffered from vaginismus or whether nothing would have happened at all, making this unnecessary trauma in the past. We simply cannot ever know what the other path would have been. Likely your mother and this gynecologist had just hoped to keep you from experiencing pain in the future, but of course a lot of people do well-intentioned things that have unexpected consequences.

If this is something that feels like it actively occupies your thoughts in your current life or just something you don’t feel you’ve moved past, you might consider seeing a therapist to work through the emotions around this experience there. Sometimes it takes us longer than we would expect to reckon with experiences we didn’t understand at the time, and there’s nothing wrong with seeking that clarity now. At any rate, I’m glad you have an issue-free sex life now – that is great!