What can I do to help my wife?

[Darin2]

I’ve got my wife the work book and everything she needs to fix your no sex life. I’ve been married to the love of my life for 14 years now. Let me say this at one time before we got married we had a amazing sex life. Then we got pregnant and due to medical problems she had to have a abortion. Then after that our sex life vanished. But like I said she was then and still is the love of my life. I have not cheated on her. Yes if I’m completely honest I have thought about it but have not and will not, still being honest I have offtend wonder if she was the one cheating because she didn’t want to have sex. That is when she told me what was going on with her. In closing I need help to help my lovely wife.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Darin, welcome to the forum! As someone who has dealt with vaginismus myself and has had many partners who have had to come to terms with it alongside me, I understand the pain and confusion you must be feeling. I think for men the challenge is feeling rejected by your partner but also feeling like you’re powerless to help her with her problem. It’s a difficult thing to go through, but I think you can help your wife.

First of all, as someone who can speak to the pain and shame of vaginismus, your wife is probably very sad and frustrated by what’s been happening with her body. As women, we want to be intimate with our partners and to demonstrate our love physically, and the embarrassment of not being able to do what everyone is “supposed to be able to do” is debilitating. You should keep this fact in mind because your wife will likely be very sensitive when discussing this issue, if she’s willing to talk about it at all, and she will need to know that you love her and can help support her if she decides to undergo treatment.

You say you’ve bought the book and the other things she needs to fix your sex life, but the most important thing a woman needs when dealing with vaginismus is the desire to deal with the problem. I had the book for years and could barely read the first few pages because I was scared and ashamed at the prospect of having to deal with my problem. It took time and a partner who was alongside me to become ready to go through the tough work of fixing myself.

You can’t make your wife be ready to fix yourself, as much as you might want to. But there are a few things you CAN do. You can talk with her compassionately about how much you love her. You can tell her that you’ll be patient but that physical intimacy (or children, if that’s still true of you) is something you want with her again. You can tell her you’ll support her, and that you believe in her. And then you can listen and ask questions to see if she feels ready and what she needs.

The truth is that she might not be for awhile. We often think about vaginismus as a physical problem with the vagina, but for a lot of women it’s a problem caused by the mind. Your wife had to have an abortion and lost a baby she was going to have, and she may not have emotionally healed from the pain of that experience. She might need more help than you alone can give (therapy, for example, or the help of vaginismus experts like the staff at the Maze Clinic). It’s clear that you love your wife, and I’m sure that she loves you too, but the change won’t happen overnight. But your support will mean everything to her if and when she feels ready to deal with her pain.

[Sks823]

Darin2,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your wife went through and are currently going through. It is clear that you want to help her get through this, and it’s great that you found this website and forum to learn more information about vaginismus and seek help through others who have been through similar situations and men in your current situation.

recessivegenequeen wrote a great response. The best you can do is continue to be loving and supportive – let her know you’re there for her and will continue to be there for her, no matter what.

I understand that you want to be able to have sex again and have a normal sex life, but it may be a bit tough to bring it up – it may be a very sensitive topic, and you both have been through a lot with the medical problems and result surrounding her pregnancy. I think it’s great that you bought her the workbook, and I would say it’s a good idea to gently discuss a path forward for her – does she want to try the workbook? buy dilators on her own? see a vaginismus specialist? Let her know that you’re there for her no matter what, and you’ll do whatever it takes to help and support her.

From this website and forum, hopefully you understand that vaginismus is completely treatable and curable – now make sure SHE knows that! Encourage her and let her know she’s not alone and she can get through this. Show her all the success stories on this forum if you think it’ll help!

Good luck! 🙂

[Darin2]

I first want to thank you for the response. Just recently my wife has gotten the dilators. But has not started to use them. I understand that all I can do is sit back and let her know I here for her and support her in anyway I can. It’s just frustrating to me that I can’t do anything to help her but to be supportive.

[recessivegenequeen]

I definitely understand this frustration, Darin2. It’s hard to have a problem you can’t take action on. One thing you can do is to help her as much as possible in finding information, because that can be an overwhelming thing to do. Read Dr. Pacik’s book yourself to understand better what she’s going through and what she would need to do to work on her problem. Show her the forums and that there are many other people suffering who understand the pain she’s in. I know how hard it is to feel this powerless, but you can the person that helps her get through this, and that will strengthen your relationship in ways you wouldn’t believe.

[Heather34]

Hi Darin. I am so sorry for what you and your wife have experienced. I think it is wonderful that she has gotten the dilators just recently. Like the other replies, by being a part of this awesome forum, you are helping her in more ways than you may even realize. Knowledge is power and the more that is read, it may really, really help. Do you know what dilator set your wife purchased? I tried using the set from vag.com that were hard plastic ones and they did not work for me. I used the Pure Romance ones that are silicone which is much softer and also have handles which makes it easier to start by knowing you can control how much you insert and it is also easier to remove with the handles. I would also suggest to liberally use a lot of lubricant with the dilators. In the beginning, I used surgilube mixed with lidocaine combo and it helped a lot for any discomfort that I felt. I also would encourage your wife or even you, as the partner, to together contact the group at Maze (they offer free 10 min consult) and see their suggestions for treatment tips for vaginismus. I ended up having the Botox treatment and overcame with this as it helped the initial pain/blocked feeling to dissipate and I was then able to use the dilators and later make love to my husband. This may also be an option for your wife as well. I also do want to suggest that she join the Forum and, even, if she is too shy to post, she can read, read, read and learn so much plus also know that she has our support in the process. I also think it would be super helpful for her to have an e-mail buddy for support who has had vaginismus and has gone through the treatment and can provide tips and support along the way. I would gladly email back and forth with her if this is something that you think she would want to do and be open to. Please know that you both have my support.