Yes, you can adress Vaginismus without a Partner

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

I was reminded today by a new patient I saw for the first time, that there is no only so much shame around vaginismus, but also about having vaginismus and being single. So many women who have vaginismus think that somehow the reason they are single is because they have vaginismus. Almost as though any potential partner they have can sense the vaginismus, and stay clear. What is more likely is that those with vaginisums avoid dating or getting very serious in a relationship as they are so afraid the potential partner will find out their “dirty secret.” But there is no need to wait for a partner to get treatment, as they will not magically make the process easier. In fact many women find that going at their own pace and getting in touch with their own bodies while addressing their vaginismus is great, as they are no on a deadline, and they know they are doing this for themselves.

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

Such a great point, Nicole. I find that being single makes us more vulnerable to insecurities and on a quest to figure out the “why” of our relationship status. For many women, vaginismus has a way of making them feel like they are on the sidelines– not just of dating, but of living a full life.

[recessivegenequeen]

Agreed, Nicole! I remember feeling this way, like I was on the sidelines because of not being able to participate in something that so many people took for granted. But to single patients, I would say it will still help you so much to seek help for your vaginismus because you will start to feel more autonomy over your sexual and romantic life. Vaginismus can make you feel like an outcast, but going through treatment for it is a way to reclaim your normalcy and agency, and will likely give you confidence to pursue new relationships!

[Vic123]

Hi, i’m a single patient for example. Today i made it through the 5th dilator, so im pretty excited, i have only one left. But i still have this insecurity, because i don’t know how my first time will work with someone that is not my boyfriend. I was thinking of calling a guy i used to meet up with. We practised just oral sex, he knew i had trouble with penetration so he never insisted, but we never talked about it because we never had a relationship, it was just beers, oral sex, bathing, and that’s it. Do you think it’s possible to have my first time with a random guy like this, explaining the gentleness and patience he need to have?.. because im not really looking for a boyfriend, i just want to have sex.
Thank you for your time!!!

[Vic123]

Hi, i’m a single patient for example. Today i made it through the 5th dilator, so im pretty excited, i have only one left. But i still have this insecurity, because i don’t know how my first time will work with someone that is not my boyfriend. I was thinking of calling a guy i used to meet up with. We practised just oral sex, he knew i had trouble with penetration so he never insisted, but we never talked about it because we never had a relationship, it was just beers, oral sex, bathing, and that’s it. Do you think it’s possible to have my first time with a random guy like this, explaining the gentleness and patience he need to have?.. because im not really looking for a boyfriend, i just want to have sex.
Thank you for your time!!!

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

Hello Vic123
That is so great, you made it through the 5th dilator! We have worked with many single patients at MAZE, and they have made all different choices on who they had first intercourse with. Think about what you need from that person. Do you want to explain vaginismus to him? Does he even need to know? Many patients have had sex with friends and it worked out just fine. There is no right or wrong answer. Wishing you all the best!

[Vic123]

Thank hoy Nicole for your response. It makes me less anxious to know there are women that actually succeded with someone ese than a boyfriend.

[Heather34]

Hi Vic!!!! Huge, huge, huge CONGRATS on making it to the 5th dilator today. I just wrote in an earlier thread tips for moving from 4 to 5. This is so, so awesome!!!! I e-mailed and became friends with another girl who was going through vaginismus treatment and was also single at the time. Prior to her procedure, she said she was talking to a very nice guy but did not want to bring up the whole vaginismus topic. She traveled to NH and had her procedure. Following this, she dilated regularly and she then was able to have pain-free intercourse with him and never had to even bring up the fact that she had previously had vaginismus. As Nicole wrote, many patients have had sex with just friends and it worked out fine. Sending you hugs today and, again, HUGE HUGE CONGRATS on making it to the 5th dilator today!!!!

[Vic123]

Jajaja yessss í saw your message, thank hoy for being so supportive, you cant imagine how helpful it is yo find someone who understands. In my country people dont talk about this, its partly taboo and partly lack of information.
Well, thank you again! Im really inspired by all of you guys that made it through.

[Sks823]

Vic123, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re doing an awesome job and have made such amazing progress.

As for your question, the fact that the guy already knows you have trouble with penetration means talking to him about being gentle, patient, etc. beforehand should be easy if that’s the route you choose to go! But there’s no “right” answer, I’d say to try with someone you’re comfortable with, and someone you know will be understanding about it if things don’t go 100% as planned (like if penetration is still a little bit difficult). 🙂

GOOD LUCK!

[recessivegenequeen]

Great job Vic123 for your hard work dilating thus far! I want to agree with what everyone else has said, especially that you don’t necessarily have to mention the vaginismus if you don’t want to. This is something that honestly never occurred to me before I got the procedure because I was so ashamed about vaginismus, but you can make requests of people sexually without needing to justify why – they can’t read your mind! For example, you can say to this person before you try having sex, “I want to be gentle our first time because I like to go slow at first” (or some variation of this) – other women, even those with no vaginismus issues, sometimes like to start slow, so you can very much dictate what it is that you want. And if you do want to tell him, you can do that too! It totally depends on what you’re comfortable with, but I’m confident that since you’ve been putting in so much effort that you’ll do great at it!