Alternative ways to still be intimate/have sex!

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Tips for Future Vaginismus Patients Alternative ways to still be intimate/have sex!

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    As Sonya wrote in her post called “Food for thought”, therapy is only one of the solutions available if you suffer from vaginismus . You can also have a very satisfactory sex life without penetration, by using other means to be intimate with your partner.

    However – as it’s mostly the case when it comes to vaginismus – I have the impression not a lot is known on this, or at least it seems to be something we rather not talk about among patients. What alternative ways to be intimate do you use? What works best? What are your favorite techniques? What does your partner like? I know those are difficult things to talk about, but I’m sure a lot of us can learn from each other and use these tips as an alternative (or in addition to) therapy.


    This forum is all about sharing ideas and tips and tricks and asking questions, so this sounds like a *great* idea Kiala!

    One thing that immensely recommend is a tip shared by someone called Blueclouds here on the forum. Lots of vaginismus patients masturbate their partner as an alternative to penetrative sex. After a while, the frequency often goes down and before you know men start masturbating again on their own behind your back. It’s easier, quicker and demands less communication from their side, but they don’t realize they are actually taking away the last intimate piece that connects both partners. So the tip is actually to ask your partner to stop masturbating and literally tell you whenever he is in the mood. This forces him to be open about his needs. You still have the choice to help him or not, but at least there is still a level of intimacy. Some women have tried it out and are as enthusiastic as I am, so I guess it’s something that deserves being on the list here 🙂


    Speaking as someone who (like most women) does not orgasm purely from penetration, even though I don’t have vaginismus anymore, I still orgasm with my partner mostly from other activities. I find that outercourse (rubbing genitals together in a way that feels good) partnered with kissing my partner and having my nipples touched reliably causes me to orgasm, and that was also my main method even before seeking treatment. It’s absolutely true that you don’t NEED to achieve penetration to have a better sex life! It can be hard for a lot of women (and their male partners) to embrace alternative sexual activities to penetration because our society has such strong coding around the fact that intercourse is “real” sex and everything else is just a warmup act. I hope that more couples will build their own personal definitions of a great sex life, because often it doesn’t have to include intercourse – and that won’t even be enough for the female partner anyway!


    Great idea Kiala!

    I remember I always was scared my partner would to try to penetrate me with his fingers “by accident” when he was going down on me. The moment his fingers came near my vagina I already lost all my sexual appetite cause I was afraid he might put his finger(s) inside, not on purpose, but more like “in the heat of the moment” or something like that. I’m not sure if you guys recognize this. What helped me was to change the position we were in: I asked my partner to sit up in bed with his back against the wall, and I positioned myself between his legs with my back against his chest. In that way he could reach all important positions (like my nipples and clitoris), without being able to penetrate me with his fingers. That thought alone was enough for me, and I now get most of my orgasms this way: while being wrapped in his arms. That feels “safer” to me.


    Bettydee, that’s a great point, I definitely had that anxiety even when I was being intimate with boyfriends when I was younger, even though we agreed not to do penetration because it was painful. Techniques like this that make you feel more in control and less anxious about unwanted pain are great to help you relax and actually enjoy those intimate moments more! Safety has always been a really important part of the sexual equation to me, probably because of my history with pain surrounding sex. This really resonates!


    We’ve been using the trick Bettydee wrote about for as long as I can remember. It’s the only way I feel “safe” enough to reach an orgasm in my husbands presence!

    Sue Bern

    Thank you for this great advice!

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